Unpacking the So-Called Struggle to Change or Recover

A phrase we hear often from the so-called “addiction recovery” community is that these men “struggle with porn.”  This is one of the worst excuses used for the consumption and betrayal of human beings. Men regurgitate this lame excuse to their wives, pastors, therapists and others to garner empathy for the difficulty of making the appropriate choice to not use. 

In this blog we’ll unpack this idea of struggle and choice. We’d love to hear what you think about this phrase.

Struggle, Defined

1. to strain; to strive, or to make effort; to use great efforts; to labor hard; to strive; to contend; as, to struggle to save life; to struggle with the waves; to struggle against the stream; to struggle with adversity. To labor in pain or anguish; to be in agony; to labor in any kind of difficulty.

There are a few words in this definition that stand out as evidence this term is being used incorrectly when men say they are struggling to give up pornography. 

To struggle is to strive; to make great effort towards an outcome; to labor hard. A struggle to achieve an outcome implies there can be anguish and difficulty. It can be appreciated that those who have consumed pornography for years, wiring their brain to literally fire thoughts about pornography on a frequent basis – even in one’s sleep – are going to have to struggle hard in their decision to stop. 

One does not have a struggle “with” porn, unless the effort is to continue to use.

Trying

Trying is another one of those words said alongside a statement implying that an important change process is being worked on. Like the word struggle, trying is also a lame excuse for not putting in the real effort demanded to stop the betrayal of your wife and the consumption of human beings for your own selfish interests.

Trying almost never gets to the deep commitment necessary to make a difference. Trying leaves all the real effort off the discussion table when addressing a behavior as serious as pornography. “I’m trying” is not the phrase a wife wants to hear when she has been betrayed by years of secret pornography use. In most cases, this phrase is said when not a lot of effort is being put to stopping.

Both Trying and Struggling are Excuses

Neither terms ƒcontain the level of confidence necessary to make a commitment to your betrayed wife to something as important as stopping the porn use. 

Stopping is more than making a goal to stop. One cannot think about getting to the point of not using, while already giving himself permission to “slip” or “relapse” (Almost all SA programs will support this as part of the so-called recovery process – expecting the hurting wife to be patient and understanding.). 

A deliberate change of thought, intention and desire to not consume others is necessary. If you do not have that level of commitment, trying gives you an excuse to blame your failure on an outside source without applying any effort to do that hard work of rewiring your thinking.

To Struggle With

When someone says they are “struggling with” something, it can be inferred that the individual is trying very hard to work through the challenge. There is a plan in place, effort is extended, and objectives are being accomplished.

There are many things human beings can struggle with in this world. One of the most difficult is why a man would be married to a woman and then secretly cheat on her. For the record – pornography use is cheating! Full stop!

As wives of men using pornography (or any other sexual behavior outside of his marriage), we struggle with the impacts of this behavior. We struggle with his secrets, his lies, and his anger at being discovered.

The Point of this Post

The point of this post is not to disrespect anyone’s life struggle. As stated above, there are many things that people struggle with. Life is difficult, especially the past few years. The point of this post is that there is an abusive nature in the term “struggle” when stated by men using pornography. 

This term is weaponized. Wives are hoping beyond hope that their husband will give up this sordid behavior and treat them and their marriage with dignity and respect. When a man, who’s used porn for years, keeping much of its use from his wife, makes empty promises of stopping, while also suggesting that “he’s really struggling” or “he’s trying,” will often make these comments without any real effort or interest in stopping. He might stop for a short time, or he might get sneakier about his use. 

Without real intent, suggesting you are trying to stop, while also looking at pornography is lying. It is gaslighting. It is abusive.

Pornography Use is not an Addiction – The Choice to Use

Straight out of “Dr. Google” we can see the following statement, “There is no agreement that pornography is addictive, as the World Health Organization (WHO), the American Psychological Association (APA), and the Diagnostic Manual of Statistical Disorders do not consider it to be.”

The choice to use pornography and the frequency of its consumption changes you as a person –it does NOT change your brain. Neuroscience does not support claims that excessive pornography use changes your brain. Years of work in this field has provided this clinician with sufficient evidence that it alters a consumer’s personality, his ethics and his humanity. 

Changing your thinking about human beings, sexuality, and male privilege is the first step to dealing with pornography use. If you are dealing with this in your life and want to stop, reach out to us at Center for Peace to schedule a Discovery Call. We can help.