A Few Abusive Traps

…and the way out of them

We’ve been living with an abuser for a while, we’ve attended groups, read books, and yet still there are times when his tactics catch us off guard.

When we are caught in the trap of the abuser it feels awful. We struggle to level set things so that we aren’t trying to defend the truth, and our well-being. Abusers enjoy the dysregulation that occurs when we are caught off guard.

In this week’s post we’ll go over a few traps and how to regain footing and avoid the abusive traps set by our husbands.

Set Up Traps

Timing is everything. To get the biggest bang out of the abuser’s trap, he needs to ensure the timing of the launch. There are few traps that work better than this one, because sabotage is just that good!

When you are heading out the door, leaving him in charge of things. You’ve already explained dinner, bedtime etc. for the kids. He’s followed along, or partially disinterested — either way, you can feel there is something about to happen. He is making it harder to leave.

Abusers who use this trap are calculating. They are looking for when you feel rushed so that at the most inopportune time, he can ask that one question, or create an issue with one of the kids or with himself. Or maybe he will just be intentionally late so that you cannot leave.

These traps are so convincing initially that it is challenging to see the calculated nature of them. It may take you several derailed plans to figure this out, but there is a pattern to sabotage, and he likely has a well-prepared good excuse for why he did what he did.

To avoid getting caught in the snare, write down as much of the instructions as possible, feed the kids early, drop kids off at his work, whatever it takes. We learn to plan around men who sabotage us. If by chance you are caught off-guard, and all your failsafe attempts were over-ridden, the most important tool for you – is not to engage in his attempts to thwart you. That is what the abuser is after. Shut down any attempt to delay your departure. Tell him to call you once you get to the car, or to refer to the instruction in the text or email from earlier in the day.

Remember to breathe – slowing down your gears helps to block the energy of his commotion that he wants you to absorb so he can derail your plans. The more he can make is miserable for you, the less you will ask him to help or participate.

The Provoker Trap

There’s an abusive husband that enjoys provoking his target wife. He knows her weak spots and vulnerabilities. He will harass or hound her until she is worn down. The trap is getting her to snap.

When you come unglued at him, he feigns shock or anger because of your tone or reaction. He will twist the order of events so that you can be made at fault. He’s very successful at this, maybe even getting you to believe you were wrong — and you apologize to him.

This trap shows up so often, sometimes in conjunction with other types of traps, and not always in private. It’s important to learn not to take the bait. When you feel your emotions elevating, shut him down – even if you need to walk away without saying a word to him. It is better to be accused of abandoning the conversation, giving him the silent treatment, or any other accusation than to land in his trap. His intention is to catch you in something that he can call abuse, or use to convince you or others that you have serious problems.

If he’s after a specific answer, get comfortable with a delay statement such as, “I’ll get back to you with my answer, I’m not prepared to respond to you at this moment.”  Having a set of replies you can give at the drop of the hat is critical when being provoked.

The Truth Shifter

Twisting the truth is a favorite among abusers. This truth shifting can show up as outright lies, gaslighting, or even telling stories to others that are just off enough that the listener doesn’t check it, but it raises questions about you just the same.

As targeted wives, we are often the butt of smear campaigns led by our abusive husbands. Correcting the story often feels like an imperative to us. The truth is, people who believe the abuser have already drawn their own conclusions. They do not seek clarification of the details presented. They already see evidence in the lie. These are the kind of people who prefer to collude with an abuser so that when they need help, they can count on the abuser to support their wrongs.  We don’t need to defend the truth. The more quiet we are around liars (and their colluders), the better.

Truth shifters are looking to up the emotional energy in these situations. If you become upset, that looks like weakness. Standing quietly firm, stating something like, “[name], you know very well what occurred. I won’t debate the matter with you.” Never give them a moment to think they’ve trapped you. You do not need to defend what is. It leaves you subject to gossip.

The Malicious Defamer

Abusive husbands who defame the character of their wives as a tactic to elevate themselves are looking for their target wife to be hurt enough to defend herself

When you argue or defend, you step right into the setup he’s made for you. You cannot rescue your character or find alignment with the facts in his disordered presentations that hurt you and make him look like the great guy.

Most importantly, your character isn’t supported by your defending it. It is evidenced by the way you, as the targeted victim, live your life. You don’t need to undo his defamation. This is the trap. Instead of attempting to correct or explain, simply respond with a shutdown statement, such as, “I will not engage in your patterns of malicious defamation of my good name and character.”

The Master Confuser

Abusive husbands are expert twistifiers and confusers. The aim of this trap is to avoid any discussion or question you’ve presented to him. Abusers will avoid a direct response, or they will ask you questions that are attacking in nature. They often respond in a way that may cause you to respond to his hurt of you so that you now become the problem. Your questions and needs are avoided and you’ve given him all the evidence he needs to validate in his twisted mind that you do not know how to communicate. 

A simple way to return to the point is to not respond to the redirect of the abuser. A proper response is, “The original question was put to you. I’ll restate it again if necessary. I won’t go further in our discussion until we address the original question/issue.”

Don’t Be Derailed

The more you practice standing strong, not angry, not hurt, just in a place of stabilized self-attending, with pre-practiced responses to the abuser, the easier it will be for you to make a civil, but controlled statement of what you are willing to do, or how you are willing to engage, before you end the interaction and walk away. 

All conversations can be stopped without losing your own civility. It doesn’t require an elevated tone – even when you don’t feel heard or when you feel manipulated. These outcomes are part of an abuser’s attempt to gain the upper hand. So don’t give away your position of strength. 

Remember that personal strength isn’t power over. It is not a game or type of toggling for positional control of the issue. It is a boundary of sorts. You don’t have to describe what you are going to do, you simply restate your query, or consent for how to continue the exchange. You do this one time, if there is an escalation of the abuse, you can say, “thank you for your time” – and you walk away.

Some Things to Consider

Not every abuser’s tactics are the same. Many have iterations of traps that fall in a category type. The more you can categorize your husband’s specific patterns, the easier it will be for you to design a response that protects you from falling into the trap.

It is important to guard yourself from the contempt and sneering expressions that may come as a result of the trap setting or your disengagement statements. These types of abuse tactics are hurtful, but calling them out is a disadvantage to you.

Explaining yourself, your whys, or your reasons will offer your abusive husband ammunition to use against you. There’s no safe way to share with him. He does not need help understanding. His fake confusion is part of his tactical weaponry. Your reasons are valid, but should be kept to yourself.

Center for Peace Services

The services we offer at Center for Peace can help you learn to strengthen yourself so that you are not in a face off with your abusive husband, rather you are defending your own dignity. Abusive traps can be avoided, it takes a bit of practice and a few guidelines for you to operate yourself in these events without losing the solid ground you need to live well.

Come join us. We’re here to support you as you live the life you value, even when others around you live in character dysfunctional ways.