Regret, Remorse and Contrition

Working in the field of betrayal, abuse, domestic violence, coercive control – (we have so many terms for the behaviors of men that harm women) – has led to being able to observe attitudes and behaviors of those who change and correct the abuse and those who do not. There are big differences. 

In this week’s post we will look at the differences and what to expect from those who abuse and profess regret for doing so.

We’ve Known for Decades Abuse is a Choice

Despite all of the models, therapeutic formulas, countless therapists and so-called ‘recovery’ programs in this field, we have known for decades that abuse is not the result of a lack of control, low emotional IQ/maturity (an inaccurate term for this concept), mental health matters or even addiction. There will be many who say otherwise. Camps of belief and bias will likely forever divide on this point.

Despite all of the testing, studies, and literature of all types, we know abuse of one’s spouse is a choice. The actions benefit the man, they are informed by the attitudes and beliefs he holds and the presumed rights he believes he should expect from the woman. 

He exhibits abusive behavior for an economic advantage. This means more than financial, it is personally, sexually, and even psychologically economically beneficial to an abuser to exert control over his wife.

With all of this economic benefit the abuser receives from his behaviors, correcting these acts requires a wholesale change of his thoughts and his beliefs.

Removing the Benefit

Removing the benefit of an abuse act requires the acting agent to not just choose differently, but to believe he’s been wrong to act in the way he has. This is where wholesale correction is required. Without a clear and lasting change of thought, he may stop for a period, but before long the behavioral advantages outweigh the small motivation to stop.

When there is nothing backing the choice to pause the benefit, the abuser returns to those acts that reap his sought after rewards. Without the feelings of sorrow for the act, benefits become attractive again, outweighing any suggested cost, especially, the cost to his wife. The benefits ease any discomfort the abuser temporarily feels. 

As an example, a man financially and emotionally abusing his wife through fear and control of money benefits by keeping her too afraid to spend money without his permission. The actions of control and intimidation are not wrong in his thought process if his objective is weighted in his refusal to see that money is co-owned no matter how it is earned. Regret and sorrow do not occur to the man who assigns value differently to his himself than to wife.

Regret

An abusive man may have many regrets; such as regretting getting caught or discovered. He may regret that he made the decisions he made, but that does not necessarily translate into assuming the responsibility for the acts, nor does it mean it will lead to change or stopping the acts. It almost never leads to making reparation for harm caused. It is just a process of thought.

Regret is an easily dismissed position when the benefit of the act is more pronounced, regret is easily dismissed.

Remorse

Remorse is the next level. At this point of internal audit, the abuser will look at his actions with a point of deep recognition for the cost to his victim, not the cost or loss of what benefits him. He will see the woman he abused as a person, care will replace the contempt and disregard he previously had in his abuse of her. 

Remorse holds a moral or ethical component to it. At this point, the benefit of the abuse will lessen as the abuser begins to view actions against his wife differently. 

The warning here is that remorse can be easily dismissed or short lived as well. The path to true remorse can be thwarted when expected praise and recognition isn’t received, or when the cost seems too high after short effort is extended.

It would be appropriate to challenge whether this was true remorse, or just regret.

Sorrow; Being Sorry

An abusive man might feel sorrow for his actions. This is a self-faced attribute, it is often a result of the loss of something, and the perceived suffering he experiences when the victim makes the decision to leave, or requires him to provide her space in the home. This type of sorrow has nothing to do with the kind one experiences when a tragedy has occurred. 

In many abuse cases being sorry does not lead to taking responsibility. A man can be sorry about a single moment and repeat the very behavior again in the future for which he professed his statement of being sorry. That is not the deep sorrow felt in the recognition of the suffering of his spouse. Often he’s sorry for the state he’s in and wants to be released of the discomfort and burden of addressing the issue. 

To have true sorrow for acts of harm committed and cost to another person, that sorrow must move from the self to the other.

Contrition; The Real Test of Correction

To see contrition in the correcting abuser, is to see the beginning of change. When contrition is achieved, there will be remorse with sincere change in the behaviors and in the attitudes and thought ideas that produce abusive actions towards another human being. In addition to this level of ownership, these feelings of contrition will be accompanied by the abuser’s willing amends work – without being compelled by boundaries or requests to do so.

His change of heart will be evidenced in what he says and what he does. 

Contrition is a change of heart. 

Etymologically, the Latin contritus literally means “crushed to pieces.” Thus, an abusive man is crushed to pieces, not for himself, but for the person who he crushed by his abuse of her. He sees the impact depth, and is willing to return the debt owed. 

There is no forcing this change upon him so that his ‘benefits’ are returned to him. What he gains as he moves from the abusive man to the contrite man is his own integrity and character return. 

Regret, remorse and sorrow are not the same as contrition. These attributes require a completely different attention to one’s actions and attitudes as well as the long-term impact of the abuse. 

Contrition is worked on and improved upon over time as the abusive man works to rid himself of beliefs of hedonism, privilege, hegemony and misogyny. There is no space for an elevated self within a contrite heart.

Contrition Holds No Expectation of the Victim

Many of the abusers in the Center for Peace program have suggested that no matter how many times they say they are sorry, it does them no good. This suggests that there is still much work to do, and that there are conditions for how long he will feel bad about what he’s done. 

A contrite person is willing to do whatever it takes, for however long it takes without seeing this as a punishment, but as the consequences attached to the choices they made. 

To regain the trust and willingness of the wounded wife, an abusive husband must be willing to show that his words and his behavior have alignment and congruence no matter the situation, and no matter whether his wife is present or not. 

Behavior is the best indicator to an abuser’s corrected heart and character. 

A Review/Comparison

Genuine contrition is the state of feeling deeply sorry, guilty, or remorseful for a wrongdoing, typically accompanied by a sincere desire to make amends and change the abusive behavior.

• Sorrow stems from sadness 
• Regret leads to wishing wishing
• Remorse focuses on guilt.
• Contrition centers on correction and amends

One who feels contrite is more than sorry for what he has done. He recognizes that he needs to repair and is willing to put forth whatever effort is required of him to repair the damage inflicted on the lives of others.

Center for Peace Correction

Abuse correction is so much more than stopping bad or wrong acts. It is a wholesale change. It is top down and bottom up – all systems of that being. It is to correct the way one thinks so that the way one makes choices causes no harm – meaning no thought, word, or action that would harm another – as all three means can yield harm to another soul.

At Center for Peace, we offer a year-long rehab course for men who are looking for help getting through the thinking problems that keep them stuck and continue to cause severe injury to their wife. 

For more information, schedule a Discovery Call today.