Social Media Trash Psychology

It’s time to unpack some of the trash that is sold as psychology on social media. We’ve been biting our proverbial tongue for a while now. It’s time to just break loose with what is legitimate and what is rubbish. So much of what people are consuming online fuels the narratives that lead to abuse, misogyny and other beliefs that men are better, different or deserving of a social pass for the egregious harms they commit upon the people they say they love.

By way of warning, some of these topics may raise questions because these narratives have been promoted by some so-called professionals, written in books, and spouted on podcasts – as if these are facts rather than merely narratives used to explain the human condition. 

Human beings like the easy explanations for our lived experience, but way too many of the current stream are not based on solid scientific theory — meaning that these theories should be backed up by verifiable data.

We all want an antidote to life — and to the allergy abusive men seem to have to personal accountability.

Let’s get into these and see what we can clear up.

Little Boy Inside Each Man – AKA the Inner Child

One of the most troubling narratives that comes out of the mental health community is this idea of needing to heal the inner child. The metaphor suggests that problems believed to be causing issues in one’s adult life stem from unresolved wounds formed in childhood.

This one really should be a whole post on its own, but we’ll hit the highlights here.

First, there has never been a proven theory suggesting we have a fixed inner child in any human brain/mind. 

Beliefs held about childhood experiences, such as approval seeking, rejection, etc. are actively recreated as narratives in the adult brain – they are not stored as a frozen or stuck experience from childhood needing some sort of remedy or processing to resolve. 

There are a lot of false ideas that people call ‘theory’ or ‘science’ that are just rubbish – no matter how much we hold on to these narratives, it does not mean they are accurate. No matter how many therapists use these narratives to help justify someone’s experience  – this does not mean they are accurate — in fact, it means that therapists have not continued to study beyond their curriculum, or searched out the literature to accurately learn what should be taught about the brain/mind and human behavior to their clients.

It is not the little boy looking for unconditional love that causes men to do the hurtful, selfish, abusive things to their wives.

There are many who grow up believing unmet needs in childhood are the explanations for so many problems in their adult lives. Many people like this because it places blame outside of them and onto a caregiver. 

The adult reality — we are all responsible for what we do with every life experience, regardless of when it happened, or who caused it. Childhood stories are part of the fabric of life. Having compassion for them is one thing, using them as justification to harm others is a whole other matter. 

A man who believes that his wife or girlfriend is supposed to heal some little boy wound is not taking responsibility for his own life experiences. To engage in an intimate relationship expecting that person to be some sort of psychological or emotional surgeon for your past experiences, is an unreasonable expectation of a life partner. 

What happened to you, and the meaning you make out of those experiences are yours to resolve. Not the woman you marry. She should never be hurt because others hurt you. Making her pay for perceived harm from one’s past is abuse.

“That’s Just the Way I Am” – AKA Fixed Personality

While we are on this topic, let’s just hit a couple abusive comments men say to excuse their behaviors, such as, “That’s just the way I am,” or “You knew this about me when you married me.”  Some of these notions stem from the misconception that personality is a fixed trait.

The brain is not a house for fixed personalities. The way humans behave  is the result of thinking and feeling – neither of which are fixed or reactive as if they cannot be modulated or controlled. Humans construct and predict. Thought and behavior are the outcomes of choice. Personality is therefore a set of ingrained predictive habits  that may or may not have been evaluated by honest introspection.

Women are More Emotional than Men and Other Brain BS

The social narrative and stereotype that women are more emotional than men – as if this is a fixed trait in the brain of women is psycho-BS! 

According to the research where both men and women’s emotions were tracked, the results show that men and women express and experience emotions at similar rates. 

This lie can result in medical misdiagnosis for women when emotions are blamed as the cause for other real medical conditions. This narrative has a long history in both the medical and psychology fields. Eradicating this nonsense, and the abuse that emanates has proven how deep its foothold on the societal mind.

Other associated narratives are that men and women have different brains – again – more BS. We do not have a single brain type that is sexually dimorphic. Brain variation is the norm, and these variations are not sex-dependent. 

The narratives about the differences (and preferred brain types) are used by men to abuse and belittle women as if they are sub-par in comparison to men. These ideas are often promoted alongside the BS of being right or left-brained.

There are no dominant hemispheres with inherently stronger typologies located on one side versus the other. The right brain/left brain myth also supports an abusive narrative of men being more logical than women.

Human brains are a full dynamic network that is collaborative in design, rather than an isolated or siloed hemispheric process. The narratives that stem from these hard to eradicate myths of how brains operate are at the root of many of the abusive narratives that prop up male-gendered divisiveness and contempt of women.

Genetic Connection to Mental Health

Often we read posts or hear podcaster influencers purport that mental health issues can be connected to inherited genetic diseases or may be hardwired into the brain due to some other type of malfunction. This gives way to many narratives that lead to not being accountable for behavior or that it is the way one is because of something that ‘runs in the family.’ 

The truth of the matter is mental illness constructs in the brain in much the same way thought and emotions construct – by prediction. Genes provide a map, but not a destination for what happens to following generations. 

Additionally, there is no single gene for specific disorders. What is understood is that we are deeply interwoven beings, with both the environmental factors and the genetics of the individual being part of the equation of each unique human. 

Using reasons like ‘chemical imbalances’ or ‘family history’ as justification for inappropriate behavior or predictive behavioral patterns that lead one to make consistently difficult choices are not an issue of brain architecture issues. The brain, nor the chemical/electrical processes are not damaged and behavior does not need to be treated medically or given a wide berth of grace because this individual has chosen poorly or abuses people. (*NOTE: this is a statement about abuser’s using the claim of addiction or mental health as justification for abuse. There are individuals who suffer greatly and need considerations. That is not what we are addressing here.)

Inane and Vacuous Content

Inane and vacuous content proliferates across social media platforms, and while some content can be quite helpful and informative, it can be difficult ascertaining what is legitimate and what is not. Much of what is posted or discussed appeals to our social nature of wanting to know why things are happening to us, where blame can be placed and what we should do to heal or protect our peace. Validity for these hopes should be sourced through reputable information, not internet bait.

A critical objective at Center for Peace is to disabuse the minds of those who are attempting to make sense of what is psycho-trash and what adds value to our lives. Truth matters to our healing and to being resilient in a world that feels too difficult and messy. The difficult part is learning to disconnect us from the messy narratives to become responsible for how we make sense of what is happening and more importantly – how we treat others when life is overwhelming. 

An abusive husband will often not care about the impact of his behavior to others. His main objective is to ensure he can be viewed as charming and innocent – while still maintaining his position in the relationship to his advantage. The social narrative BS has helped men in this population achieve their abusive goals.

Being well informed about the false social narratives is one of the most effective ways for victims to not be pulled into the abuser’s drama and manipulation. If you have questions about what is legitimate claims and what is not – schedule a session at Center for Peace to learn more about what you are experiencing and how you might navigate your way to living well.