The Abusive Arguer

When it is always about his way of seeing things

You’ve lived through a lot when coercive control and ‘Targeted Partner Abuse’ has contaminated your marriage. As awful as all of this is to live with, what is often more difficult as the years go on, is to deal with his constant countering and arguing.

It can be nearly  impossible to have a conversation with an abusive husband, let alone resolve an issue when an abuser is determined to argue every point. When he doesn’t listen to you, or show any care for the things that matter to you, how will there ever be resolution, let alone peace.

Let’s unpack some of these difficult issues many women face when the abuser still has uncorrected thinking patterns.

No Room to Disagree

A healthy discussion in a relationship can become emotionally elevated without being abusive when there is a willingness to listen, without interruption or needing to control. It isn’t always the emotion that is the problem, it is the lack of space to speak without being countered, disagreed with or having the facts twisted on you.  

In these moments, the abuser has a completely different agenda than the wife. She wants the hurt or the issue heard, and space to be seen and valued. He either wants to be let off the hook for the problem, or control the outcome of the conversation. Either way, the countering and twisting of the issue can become both emotionally and psychologically abusive. 

An abusive husband often takes advantage of these times to bully his wife, intentionally, without any care for the outcome, he just wants to manipulate the discussion.

It’s Not About Opinion

Way too many times, in these cases, it isn’t about a difference of opinion – it is more often that the wife has an opinion and the abusive husband couldn’t care less. He sees no point in healthy dialogue when his agenda is to be right or to shut her down. 

Many abusive men will argue in circles. Changing the direction of their own position just to keep you tied in knots. These are skillful abusers, who know exactly what they are doing. In addition to the circular conversations, many times these abusers will take a physical position over you, to be above you. The physical height emboldens them.

Telling You What You Mean/Think

Another difficult tactic abusive arguers do is tell you what your words mean or what you think about an issue, their actions, behaviors, or even about them. Usually they will set up the scenario in a way that sounds partially true, but will be twisted with cruel meanings he assigns to you. These tactics typically attack your character and your values.

Abusive men who argue in this manner know exactly what they are doing. They know what hot spots to hit, and how many times they can attack you before you crumble. They do not care about the impact of their words. They use loaded words that they know will hit the target each time. 

Countering Dismissive Arguer

We talked about the countering above, but in this case this particular style of arguer uses an extra sharp tongue when he’s talking with you. His main point is to dismiss what you are saying with a countering attack that shows you are guilty of whatever it is he feels criticized of.

If the wife pleads for kindness, the abusive husband will twist that into it being her fault he can’t be kind because she is always criticizing him. 

If the wife speaks about the pain and trauma, the abusive husband will counter than with how he’s jumped through every recovery hoop for her and that she’s never satisfied. 

The abusive husband might complain to her about all of the crazy things she gets from her therapist or those trauma groups she attends, even though she is saying how they are helping her cope with his anger and abuse. 

This is the same abusive husband that will call what the wife abusive, especially when she is unwilling to engage in his abusive bantering. Her seeking safety is the same – to him – as his stonewalling you.

These conversations go nowhere. His goal is to shut you down. His come-backs are swift, severing what you said with almost the exact counter of the statement you made.. This is more than a DARVO or blame-shifting of the issue, it is intentional narrative control.

Martyr-Victim Arguer

A martyr-victim’s anger is based on touting how good he is and how much he has done and how hard it all is for him…blah, blah, blah…without ever noting that his abuse has cost his wife dearly. 

He does not address the hurt or the betrayal. He might lightly acknowledge “it” (specifically with pronouns) that intentionally minimize the actions. The abuser’s intention is to press upon his wife how hard all this has been on him. The wife’s pain and trauma cannot be part of this version of his argument or it will weaken the intensity of what he is attempting to accomplish. 

His self-centered focus adds insult to injury here when his wife’s well-being appears nowhere in his war to win.

Negating, Negating, Negating…

The bottom line with any tactic used by the abusing argue-er is that what his wife says will be negated. He refuses to hear her. He will often talk over her, raise his voice, or even call her names when she attempts to put an issue on the table for discussion. 

This abuser can do this for hours, knowing the conversation is going nowhere and is causing so much stress and anxiety. If his wife is trying to communicate, or trying to be heard, he will be using every dismissive tactic possible to shut her down. 

In the end, the wife will always be in the wrong, the one doing the abusing or the one starting the fight.

The Man Who is Never Wrong

The man who is never wrong; who controls every conversation; and who determines what every word means is the kind of man that will not quit until there are bodies to count. He does not care how ridiculous his arguments become, or how much stress these conversations create in the home – he goes for the jugular and knows what he is doing. 

The terms you use will become an issue for him. The sources or materials you draw on to address the behaviors and their meanings will be an issue for him. Your character will be an issue for him. You might as well talk to the tree – you will make more progress than you will with an abusive man in this state.

What is a Wife to Do?

The best course of action for women who have an abusive argue-er as a spouse, is to not engage in the battle. If you are not in a place to walk away, here are a few practice statements to put in toolbox

• For context adjusters:  “Let’s stick to the facts.”

• For word salad makers: “We’re talking about this ___ issue only right now.”

• For history revisionists:  “This is how I recall the situation. I want to stay on this topic. We can address your concerns next time.’

• For the verbal assaults:  “I’m unwilling to talk with you when you speak to me this way.” or “There is no reason to insult me. Your point will not be received through cruelty.”

• For the mean/angry man:  “I’ll give you some time to address your emotions privately and then we can try to communicate when you are kind and calm.”

• To end a conversation:  “This conversation isn’t beneficial for me at this time.”

It is always appropriate to use a flat tone and a more quiet volume when making these statements, and when needed, leave the room.

Center for Peace Rehab

 As hopeless as all of this seems, it is not impossible for abusive men to change and to correct the way they think about the way they communicate with their wives. 

For those of you who are interested in serious change work, Center for Peace offers a year-long ‘rehab’ program for men willing to do the correction work. These rehab programs are online, meaning you can continue with your regular job and family life while attending the rehabilitation sessions. 

Book a Discovery Call  today to learn more.