A Different Kind of Grief

​​Earlier this week I heard Dr. Ramani talk about “grieving living people” (2024). This is a great topic to unpack alongside the model of “Targeted Partner Abuse©”

Understanding Grief

One great definition of grief is “a response to the loss of something significant.” We might interject this definition.the false/misrepresentation of something significant to you”.

Marriage Loss Significance

You marry someone believing your life will be amazing – not problem-free – but doable alongside the one who cares about the life you create together. Then something incomprehensible happens – shattering your well-being.

 It might be difficult to define this as a loss in the beginning. There might be red flags you talked yourself out of believing were valid. In time, those red flags could not be covered by normalizing words. Before long, you discover – it is abuse. 

At that moment everything changed. What you believed was supposed to be a life of love – became a life of pain and confusion. 

The marriage dreams shatter!

Loss Gaslighting

One critical component of this experience is not being believed as you attempt to achieve clarity for what you are experiencing. In addition, you may have been told you are the problem.

So, you dig into the research and read tons of books. You see a therapist or join a group. Nothing you do changes anything – because you are NOT the problem!

The pain is significant.

Ongoing Grief

A wife of someone using “Targeted Partner Abuse©” will experience multi-layered grief. Let’s unpack some of the situations where this occurs.

  • Living in the grief loop while the abuser pretends things are normal
  • Observing the abuser mask himself to manage his image of how good, or well-liked he is, while he is abusive behind closed doors
  • Observing good relationships and not experiencing the change required from your husband
  • Attempting to create holiday or birthday experiences with your kids/family while he sabotages these potential memories
  • Ruined events and ruined daily living
  • Abuse during/after pregnancies
  • In-public mocking or colluding with family, friends, and clergy
  • The “neutral/not-taking-sides” people in your life
  • Abusing kids or you through the kids and then colluding with them during separation or divorce – especially if the children side with him
  • The loss of all the plans and dreams of a marriage

These are just a few on the endless list of ways the ongoing grief loop occurs in a marriage where “Targeted Partner Abuse©” is taking place

Experience Sharing – If you would like to share your experience on our podcast or via email, contact us at hello@cenfp.org

Living With the Grief

Living with a live, ongoing grief loop creates a whole set of challenges for a wife of “Targeted Partner Abuse©.”  First, this is not a social grief, where you would be able to receive compassion from others (a critical need of human beings for nervous system regulation). You will bear this alone, and often with others around you completely unaware of what you deal with – whether alone or in their company.

Secondly, you will experience highs and lows of grief, particularly during more of the acute phases when the abuse happens. Also, during less active abuse events, you will still be processing, sorting, and coding experiences.

In these periods of processing, you may experience deeply painful grief loops. Reliving the event may happen for quite some time without relief. When we are not validated in these experiences or when we are dismissed (intentionally or not), this elevates the grief loop, making achieving a resolution more difficult.

Grieving is a Social Event

For many experiences of grief, there is a social component. People are aware of the loss you have experienced. They sit with you, holding your hand, bringing comfort foods, and they can rehearse the happy moments of times or people. Not all the moments of mourning will be done alone. The community will come, and support known losses.

When you are grieving someone alive, especially the one using “Targeted Partner Abuse©” on you – you do not even have the ability, in many cases, to express the emotions you experience. If you do, it might be dismissed, minimized, or mutualized – thus adding to the grief. Because now you will feel a sense of loss from that individual who would not grieve with you.

Growing Through Live Grief Experiences

It is important to note that growth and happiness are achievable, even in this kind of live grief. When you are ready, here are a few suggestions.

  • Begin to set down the gaslighting and collusive messages from those around you. This is accomplished by reframing lies and rehearsing the truth that your experiences of abuse are real and that the pain you live through is significant.
  • Remember that no matter what others think, it is not yours to carry around. While this is difficult, the refusal of bystanders to understand for themselves the insidious secrecy of abusive tactics is part of the societal abuse effects we all live with. Holding on to the responsibility of other’s work makes it more challenging for you to grow forward.
  • There is life and joy even when there is ongoing abuse – it takes a tenacious spirit to block the impacts, but it is doable. Tight boundaries and knowing what is yours and what belongs to others can be empowering as you walk forward with your head held high.
  • Surround yourself with like-minded souls. There is strength in having believing souls that are truth speakers. Those who understand the grave impact of “Targeted Partner Abuse©” can validate and affirm your experience. This is grief-lifting.
  • Remind yourself that you are a valuable being. Your life is yours to enjoy. Sometimes, only you can invite in the goodness you need to offset negative life experiences. We all face challenges and difficulties in life. Learning how to side-step the difficulty, while maintaining your own reserves of life-giving joy is how we make the life God gave us ours!!

Live Your Best Life

Living with or leaving “Targeted Partner Abuse©” will be one of the biggest challenges of your life. You deserve to provide for yourself the best life has to offer. Strengthening your agentic voice is the best way to achieve the greatest potential.

While you are working out the navigation, a good abuse specialist is an invaluable support. Coach Sharai is available for individual work. You can schedule sessions directly on the website.

Facebook
Twitter
LinkedIn
Print
Email