Why abusive men should focus on correction not fixing


During the many years of working with this population, there is a common theme that emerges as I begin my work with men who use “Targeted Partner Abuse©” – I call the “Fixer Phenomenon©.”


Correcting Abuse Starts with Ownership

Correcting abuse is a very doable action. There is no reason for anyone to live with ongoing abuse. Men who choose to continue to abuse do so for power and control – even if they do not believe they have the power. Many will deny they are in power because they believe their wife is controlling and they are not. 

Victims of “Targeted Partner Abuse©” can only control what they are allowed to control. 

If the abuse is still happening and your husband refuses to hear how his words and actions impact you, there is another issue going on. 

For those of you with a husband who has accepted the reality that he’s been abusive, he still may not be approaching the change correctly.

Many Paths to Correcting Abuse

There are a lot of options for dealing with abusive thinking/actions. Not all of them will be effective. Take for example the man who believes it is a so-called “addiction.”  He may choose some therapy with a CSAT or go to a sex recovery group. Neither will hold him accountable, use the term abuse for his actions, or tell him he’s choosing to behave in egregious ways.

Maybe he’s read some blogs and listened to some podcasts and he’s ready to admit (this is different from owning) he’s been abusing you. Maybe you have worked on boundaries and expectations, but he keeps doing some of the same things. He’s frustrated that you won’t “get past it now.”

“Just Tell me What I Need to Fix!”

About this time, you may start having conversations where you hear, “I don’t know how to fix this!” The problem is that he’s trying to fix you – not himself.

“Fixing” the problem is about correcting his attitudes and beliefs that drive the behaviors. If he thinks he can fix you – the victim – he is missing the mark on basic human behavior change – no one can fix anyone but themselves!

The Victim Doesn’t Have a Problem to Fix

The problem with the “Fixer Phenomenon©” is that this narrative is a deeply held male belief that the problem of abuse exists outside of them. If they can “fix” their wife, everything can go back to normal. 

Normal to an abusive man may include

  • Not having his wife angry with him
  • Being able to have the “problem” go away
  • Being able to have sex again
  • Not having to work on “recovery” or behavioral change
  • Stopping therapy or groups

The problem with this line of thinking is that none of this will get to the root of the problem.


Abuse Correction Fixes the Problem

Correcting abuse involves deep reflection, radical honesty, acceptance of the experience of the one you are abusing, and an abiding and long-term willingness to think differently so that you make better behavior choices that show love and regard.

Here are a few tips for that process.

  • Own that the way you think is at the root of all abuse
  • Own that you do not have the right to tell your wife what is hurtful/abusive to her
  • Own that what you think/do is reflective of your character, not some outside issue that you believe is happening “to” you. You are the cause of this. Period!
  • Own that correcting abuse means you are willing to change yourself (not expect your wife to change) and that this change must be life-long

If you Want to fix the Abuse

If you truly want to change and correct what you have done to destroy the woman you said that you love, you need to develop a radical sense of personal responsibility. You cannot expect your wife, the victim of your “Targeted Partner Abuse©” to give you a list of change requests, and not be upset by your “forgetfulness” or lack of effort. 

You cannot mutualize the change process, by simply stipulating that this is a marriage issue. Abuse is about your behavior – not the marriage. The marriage is an entity — it doesn’t act or behave.

If you have people in your social circles who do not understand abuse, you may need to choose between those friends and your wife. Historically, men do not hold one another accountable for their wrong actions – in fact, they often let each other off the hook with some verbal iteration of what a “good man” they are.

Good men Don’t Abuse

A good man does not lie, cheat, or seek out prostitutes, or hook-ups. He doesn’t control the money or become unreasonable with the management of obligations within the household or for the children’s maintenance. 

A good man does not use the Bible or the men at church to power over his wife. He does not use his tone of voice, words, or his body to intimidate or power over her.

A good man honors the vows and promises of marriage – both those spoken and those assumed within our social reality. 

A good man does not sexually abuse his wife. He understands the meaning of yes and no when it comes to sex. He supports his wife during and after her pregnancies – remaining invested and fully faithful to her. 

A good man is not attempting to “fix” his wife to get out of the consequences of his abusive actions.

Fix Yourself

Correcting abuse is about fixing you. You cannot cause all the egregious hurt you have caused and think there won’t be consequences for what you did/do to your wife. If you feel you are being punished like a child – consider how your actions are not wise, mature, or appropriate for a grown man who vowed to be loving, kind, and committed to one woman. You put yourself in this situation. Only you can get yourself out. If you need help getting your thinking back online and away from all the abuse narratives that have been destroying the lives of women and children for decades – come see us at Center for Peace – we can help!



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