Managing Life Curveballs

In the past few weeks, a major event occurred that changed the trajectory of my life, and my family’s. We are not an anomaly. Life happens to all of us, but when we are already compromised by “Targeted Partner Abuse©,” navigating the curveballs can be an additional burden to bear. 

In this edition let’s talk through some things we can do to ensure we can return to safety as quickly as possible when life brings exceptionally activating events into our lives.

Safety for Wives of “Targeted Partner Abuse©”

When we face the uncertainty of marriage to a spouse using “Targeted Partner Abuse©,” it becomes increasingly difficult to feel safe. Our primary objective at Center for Peace is to help victims of abuse understand what safety is and how to maintain it.

We’ll consider the following to highlight what safety means in terms of navigating the outcomes of “Targeted Partner Abuse©”

• What does safety mean?
• What is the process for maintaining safety?
• What happens when safety is derailed by an abusive husband?

What does it mean to get to safety?

Safety can mean different things to different women. Even though we share similar experiences with abuse, our needs and situations will vary. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all definition or process. Don’t feel discouraged if a trauma friend has different safety needs than you – it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. 

Safety can have different values for different victims. Some require more physical safety and may therefore ask for the abusive husband to go to the guest room or even leave for a time. Other wives may be looking for psychological safety, In which case, transparency will be critical to achieving that level of safety. Those with verbally abusive husbands will need to have a way to decrease the abusiveness and aggression of communication. You may find that you focus on one or multiple areas of safety.

Safety can be considered a reference point for all marriage or relationship negotiations and communications. Without an understanding of how safety has been violated by intimate and psychological abuse, there will be incredible difficulty navigating any interaction.

Safety is important for all human beings and is often weaponized by an abusive husband. Men who use “Targeted Partner Abuse©” use this word as an abuse tactic to counter the victim’s requests for safety. Countering is a mutualizing tactic. When men use this tactic, shutting down interaction is one way to get to safety for the victim. 

What is the process for maintaining safety?

Maintaining safety begins with determining your safety requirements when an abuse event occurs. It is required to determine how to navigate abusive chaos. Consider asking yourself, “What does feeling/being safe mean to me?”  This answer can help you figure out what to do when things become unsafe. The coaches at Center for Peace can help you develop your unique terms and processes. 

The next point to understand is that as victims of “Targeted Partner Abuse©,” we must take charge of our safety, no matter what the abuser does. Boundaries shared with an abuser are an ineffective approach to maintaining safety. Know your boundaries so that when there is abuse, you move to your safe place to disconnect from conversation, contact, and chaos. 

As stated above, many abusers counter your requests for safety with statements like, “Well, I don’t feel safe around you, either.”  This type of abusive mocking is common among this population of abusers. If something like this happens to you, activate your safety process quickly. It is never advisable to engage in a conversation to explain what you need. Your husband is not in a relational state. He is in an abusive, harm-causing state.

What happens when safety is derailed by an abusive husband?

As autonomous human beings, we are responsible for our safety. Abusive husbands injure us with the choices they make, but we can move away to a safe space when that happens. It might require some pre-planning or help from others to get completely safe. Always remember it is our agentic right to maintain our safety, regardless of what the abusive husband is doing.

Derailing safety is the outcome of any abuse. Depending on the degree of abuse, safety may be impossible to regain when you are still in company with the abuser. If you are in an abusive situation where safety is difficult to maintain, please consider talking to a safe person to figure out the best steps forward. 

Having a safe point of contact to reach out to in difficult times can be a great source of comfort during the assessment and safety planning phases. This individual can be helpful when you need to talk out an abusive event and work through the lies, gaslighting, etc. without normalizing his behavior or compromising safety.

Living True to Your Values

Values work is part of safety planning work that the coaches at Center for Peace can help you establish. No matter what happens in our lives, living according to our values is a great source of peace when there is abuse. Values help us determine what to do when we need to make decisions for our safety.

When we live with someone executing “Targeted Partner Abuse©” sometimes those values can be challenged – especially when we are attempting to navigate and maintain safety. For example, we may need to make decisions that we do not share with an abusive partner for our safety. Or we may be accused of doing the same things the abuser is doing – meaning then you are abusing too. Safety processes, like walking away from an abuser’s harassment, following, blocking, etc., can be seen (by the abuser) as you doing what he has been doing. These types of interactions may challenge thoughts we have about being healthy relationally in the face of abuse. 

Values inform the types of decisions we make, and when or how we execute those decisions. Values help us stay true to ourselves no matter the abuse and no matter his accusations. When you act in a value-centered way  –  you can learn to teach yourself that his dysregulation is his to resolve. You do not need to rescue him or make decisions for his comfort.

Learn Grounding Techniques that Work for You

High chaos times can be taxing on an already trauma-worn mind and body. The best way to manage life’s intense curve balls is with grounding techniques that work for you. Remember, we are all different, which means what works for one wife won’t work for another. 

Grounding moves negative energy from your mind, opening internal spaces for you to relax and not exacerbate anxiety or trauma emotions. Grounding also expands the external energy around you that feels confining. If you haven’t worked on energy release techniques, consider experimenting with a few processes to see what works.

Here are a few ideas to get you started.

• Put your bare feet on the ground (grass or dirt)
• Lay on your back on the ground – this is a good time to listen to frequency music
• Practice different breathing techniques (there are several good ones to choose from)
• Savor something in your mouth, focusing on  the sensations 
• Hold a piece of ice in your hand as long as possible
• Hold a textured item in your hand, and focus on the sensations (a prickly ball for the dryer works well)
• Create a safe space or spiritual vignette that you go to for centering and clearing

The benefit of doing grounding work is for central nervous system regulation. A process that can be challenging when there is ongoing abuse occurring. You’ll want to practice a few techniques so that you have confidence in their application during times of higher activation. 

On-going abuse activates the glucose levels in the body, which is necessary for big demands on our central nervous system. Many people think this is the stress hormone cortisol that is released when we are in flight or flight. Cortisol is NOT a flight/flight stress hormone. It is a glucocorticoid chemical that is released when the body is doing something big or challenging.

The glucocorticoid receptor (GR) is a protein that binds to glucocorticoids, such as cortisol and regulates the transcription of genes that control metabolism, development, and the immune response.  Cortisol is glucose needed to metabolize big life events. Abuse is a big life event

Self-care is not only Shopping and Spa Days

Self-care, like safety, is not just a buzzword for healing work. Self-care is for your mind and soul. If shopping or getting your nails does that for you – that’s perfect. However, self-care should be about settling the mind and body sufficiently to calm yourself during times of dysregulation.

Know your limitations and don’t push past those. In high-stress times, you need to be able to say “no” or “I’ve done enough.”  

Remember to not ignore the basics, like eating healthfully, sleeping sufficiently, and getting fresh air and light daily. These basics are usually the first to forego, but they cost us the most in terms of being able to function well when they are neglected and life throws a curveball.

Life Curveballs

Curveballs are often unexpected, challenging life experiences. The wives of men using “Targeted Partner Abuse©” are already compromised due to the ongoing abuse. When life happens on top of abuse, it is understandable to feel even more overwhelmed. We are often already at the tipping point. 

For this reason, we need to care for our well-being. If you cannot leave, please do what you can to stay safe. If you have separated or are divorced, but still dealing with kids and contact, have clearly written agreements for parent time  –  stick to them. If you are just figuring all of this out and need support, please come see us at Center for Peace.

We live in very challenging times, but can still soar. If you need encouragement to help yourself on difficult days, please schedule a session with one of our coaches. We need support in our lives. We need one another. We were never meant to do life alone. At Center for Peace, we have a community of support for those who find themselves on a path without the loving goodness we all need to navigate this world and the people on it!

Curveballs happen, but they do not need to knock us down.