Narratives and Lame Excuses – Part I

In this week’s blog, we’ll unpack some of the lame excuses and narratives we often hear as justification for abusive thinking. One point we want to clarify is this: in recent years, people helpers have flooded social media. With them come all of the various iterations of terms that explain abuse; most common, of course, is the hyperfocus on narcissism. This is an egregious mis-assignment and misdiagnosis of the praxis of abusive behavior.

At Center for Peace, we coined the phrase, ‘Targeted Partner Abuse©’ to label specifically what is occurring when men abuse women. This provides a clear statement for the type of action. It states how the acts are deployed and to whom they are directed. There’s no ambiguity about what it is. There is no mutualizing. 

For years, the phrase ‘domestic violence’ has been the umbrella term for abuse. However, this implies a mutual state, condition, or relationship. It also limits abuse to physical violence. Likewise, the phrase ‘intimate partner violence,’ which is somewhat better at defining who is doing what to whom. This term focuses on the type of violence, which limits the scope and severity of abuse.

At Center for Peace, we view all forms of abuse as acts of violence. This is why precision in our language is essential. Cleverly phrased soundbites about tactics and motives may perform well on social media, but relying on these or on “Dr. Google” to interpret human behavior or social psychology can lead to serious misunderstandings.

The language we use shapes both how we practice and how we theorize about human behavior. In today’s digital landscape, nearly everything is labeled a mental health issue—but that’s not always accurate. Many challenges stem from the ordinary difficulties of being human: relationship conflicts, poor behavior, or the stress of an overwhelmed life. These are problems to be addressed and resolved, not necessarily diagnosed. Clear language helps us distinguish between clinical concerns and the work of simply becoming healthier, more functional people.

Enough on this, let’s move on to the lame narratives.

The Ever-Moving Goal Post Excuse

Rather than take accountability for cruel behavior, many abusive men project blame on their wives with statements of constantly moving the goal posts. They complain that there’s no way they will ever figure out what their wife wants, or they will never be able to get it right because the wife is always making it impossible for them to win or succeed. 

The truth is, he moves the goal post when he continues to abuse, lie, keep secrets, remain unfaithful, control, etc., while telling his wife ‘he’s trying’ or ‘he’s changing.’ If his change is genuine, this would not even be an issue. He would have a bar for his own baseline human treatment of his wife. His effort and his words would match. 
This category can also contain the blaming statement of, “I can’t ever do anything good enough for you.”  This is another accusation. There is a good enough baseline expectation for every human being to bring to the table when they ask someone to marry them. There’s no reward for this, outside of feeling good about living by your values and being a decent human.

I Just Can’t Talk to You

Abusive men use this excuse to project a type of guilt narrative on their wives when they do not like what their wives are saying to them. Men communicate just fine. This excuse is used to shut down conversations their wives are attempting to have to solve basic relationship issues. Abusive men control communication flow. The problem isn’t their wife; the problem is their unwillingness to engage in a civil problem-solving discussion to help each other navigate marriage with love and harmony.

I Don’t Remember

This topic header could be endless if we listed all of the lame statements made by abusers addressing their poor memory when you ask them a question about their behavior, a website they visited, a person that texted them, or their whereabouts. The feigned ignorance is as deep and as wide as the scenarios and abusive lies they tell. 

Feigned ignorance, weaponized incompetence, and a dozen other cute terms are used for this abuse tactic. It’s not uncommon for abusers to be obtuse about many things.

I’m Trying or I’m Working on it

As a therapist, this is one of the lamest excuses heard from the men in my program. My response to them is, then show me the evidence?  If an abuser, in real change, is doing the work, the effort will match the attitudes and the words he uses. It won’t always be perfect, but he will be understanding of the fact that he has a lot to do to be believed. He will understand that quitting when his effort doesn’t match his wife’s expectations means he needs to dig deeper and keep working. He will stop seeing his wife as the problem and his weak effort as the only solution. He realizes that amends are lifelong – not because they are a punishment, but because going back to his abusive ways means he was lying all along about the correction work. Real change is “Believable effort over time, without expectation for reward or bonus payout” (Coach Joi).

Just tell me What You Want me to do

Another gear-grinder, right? These men believe this is the most sincere request when they ask their wives to ‘just give them a list.’ They truly believe the list is the answer because they want to ‘help her.’ 

The problem here is effort and heart investment. No wife ever wants a box-checking spouse. She wants someone who listens to her, will hear her experience of his abuse of her, and the impact it made. If he’s willing to repair, to talk, to ask questions, and to do the deep work of putting his own effort into the repair work. He cannot expect her to let him off the hook or ease his discomfort. His actions must show that he understands that asking for a list means that he doesn’t care – regardless of how much he believes he wants to help.

I Wouldn’t do ___ if You Didn’t Make me so Angry (and other blamey accusations)

Any time an abuser attempts to blame his actions on something his wife said or did, he is blame-shifting. He’s using her valid response to his abuse as justification, while also twisting or flipping the order of events. He’ll fight tooth and nail that the wife’s actions came before his. Wives know the truth. Abusers know the truth. This is a basic abuse tactic. 
No one can make you angry. Anger, and the meaning of the emotion, is framed by the individual’s meaning for that emotion. Emotions are not inherited, fixed, or acquired from someone else. An exchange with another person can be distressing and difficult to work through. All emotions are constructed within the individual, not triggered by stimuli or events. Emotions cannot be compelled, either.

That’s Just how my Family is/was

This is a lame excuse to not grow up. Everyone needs to adjust from their childhood family dynamic to their adult relationships. Blaming your decisions to abuse or be a poor relationship partner on your parents or your past is evidence of entitlement and low relational effort. Healing relationships involves examining the stories you tell yourself and the excuses you make about why you do what you do. Learn to make life stories that help you, not keep you stuck.

The Abuser’s Playbook – and Your Boundaries

It’s almost as if abusive men have a playbook that describes situations to turn into tactics, words to use to control or power over their wives, counter-solutions to equality, and a pack of flying monkeys to ensure they are never socially held accountable. This is the reason wives of abusive men need solid boundaries.

Boundaries are your line of defense. They are not power stand-offs. In fact, you never have to speak a boundary out loud, because the action of the boundary is not for anyone but you. All you have to do when a line is crossed is quietly move away. You are not being mean, you are not stonewalling, nor are you being abusive when you act on a boundary. You are protecting your self-respect and dignity as a human being. 

There is usually no gain in negotiating with an abuser. The wife ends up more hurt and bruised from the exchange. Most abusive men do not care about the pain you feel. They are focused on getting what they want. Period.

Excuses are Never Valid

This is a bold statement to make. Excuses should never be used to overwrite the impact of the event or exchanged for a unilateral benefit. A discussion of the event or exchange should yield an outcome where both are heard and seen, and changes are made to mitigate any future harm. This is not accomplished by way of excusing words – no matter how cleverly crafted, or cobbled together with seemingly valid reasons. 

If you find yourself struggling to navigate the conversations you are having with your abusive husband, or you are the husband exercising this type of coercive control, schedule a session with us soon.