When Abusers Argue

How to understand some of the tactics and conditions of these conversations

When interacting with an abusive husband, trying to have a peaceful conversation stretches us beyond measure. We learn how to speak differently with them, while also attempting to protect our values and honor our own dignity. It takes tenacity and some painful learning lessons from things we’ve done wrong before we find our own confidence in how to navigate these talks.

At times, we need to say what we have to say, regardless of the consequences; other times, we may be more guarded. There isn’t a right or wrong way – it is what we choose. It comes down to that in each marriage. Men who abuse share similar behavior or thinking traits, but people are different, couples are different. Each case is different. If you’ve worried about what you’ve done wrong, let me reassure you – you are doing the best you can to learn how to navigate what and who you are dealing with. 

In this post, we’ll break down some of the behaviors or challenges we face when speaking with the men we’re married to who abuse us.

Controlling the Narrative

When an abuser is in a close-minded state, he will not hear what you say, no matter how calmly you speak or how reasonable you approach the topic. You may even apologize or attempt to take some ownership of things. It can still go south. Abusive men often don’t want agreement in this case. They want to be in charge of the emotions and the story for both of you. 

When the abuser is controlling the narrative, it is like speaking to a brick wall. There will be no budging from him. He will double down. He will raise his voice, speak over you, or use any number of methods to shut you down so that you do not have a chance to say anything to him. He doesn’t want to hear the truth. He knows the truth, but that is what he is angry about. 

When you find yourself in these circular discussions, protecting yourself should be your objective. The point isn’t to resolve the topic with the abuser, as there is likely no resolution to be had.

The “I Can’t Do Anything Right” Fight

Have you been in one of these discussions? No matter what you say or do, you cannot escape his position that his efforts, words, or actions will never be good enough. He won’t try to see your position or reason with you. He’s non-negotiable. There’s no point to this type of interaction. It is frustrating. It is controlling. 

They say things like, ‘It doesn’t matter.” “You believe what you want, I’ll always be wrong or not enough.” “Everything is impossible.”  

What do you say to any of that?

We Need to be Together to Talk about the Hurt

Men who engage in abusive conversations where they are controlling narratives have a singular solution. They want what they believe is being withheld from them. They will promise to hear your hurt and talk with you – if you just let them back home, or back in the bedroom. 

Here’s a big caution – no one follows through on the agreement when they get what they are after before they do their part. We don’t give children rewards before they meet the agreement of the chore or task assigned to earn that reward. We don’t receive our paychecks before we complete the two weeks of work to earn that pay. This same principle applies to men who are abusing, especially when they have patterns of disregarding your boundaries or exercising abusive control or coercion over you.

When his objective is to get back whatever he believes has been taken from him, this is likely not a safe conversation. Wives need to be careful not to believe the manipulative promises offered when he is attempting to get them to concede. No matter how deeply important it is to have him own the hurt, that is likely not to happen at this point, or in an exchange of this type.

When a man is ready to do the work, it will happen of its own volition, without any prompting from you. Wives don’t have to attempt to convince the abuser to stop abusing. They don’t have to convince him to hear her side. He will show how much he cares by what he says, through his own self-correction, and by owning previous abuses.

Threats in the Conversation

How often have you been in a conversation with your abusive spouse that has been devolving, or where it seems you take a step forward, and then two back? This goes on for a bit, then, out of left field, he throws out an incredibly hurtful threat. This might be about the marriage, about the children, the church, the home – it could be anything. He knows the right threat to use that will get your attention. It creates fear. When it is said, it hits the intended target. 

Do you back down? Do you stand your ground? Do you challenge it? How do you navigate the threat? No matter what you do, there is no one right way. Every case will be different, and the risk varies depending on the couple. The power the abuser has over the words or the acts of that threat informs the choices the wife will make.

When faced with threats, be very careful. Get the support you need to make any necessary decision in a calm, not heated or fearful state. Threats often pass, but not always.

Emotional Extremes

Conversations with abusers will often swing from one emotional extreme to the other. There may be yelling, crying, or even periods of silence. They may plead or make concessions in one minute, and in the next, they will threaten. 

Of all the variables of conversations with active abusers, this is one of the most difficult. It is stressful. It takes a toll on you to stay grounded, to choose your words carefully when you are being provoked, challenged, and when context and timelines are being manipulated to fit his narrative control. This is one of the reasons we do not get into a discussion of this type with an abuser.

Accusations

In heated conversations with an activated abuser, the accusations can fit many forms. There may be character attacks. Often, these are very low blows, hitting sensitive areas that he knows full well are pain points for you. They are formed from stories you’ve shared, while asking for his care and empathy to hold them.

He may attack your children or your parenting. He may accuse you of indoctrinating them or making them choose sides under duress. He may accuse you of being controlling of the children, of him, and of everyone around you. The absolutes are in full swing in these moments.

He may attempt to accuse you by proxy. This is where he will use other people not currently present to speak for themselves, to concur with him. This can be unnerving. It creates doubt when there is no way to verify what the abuser states about the victim. 

If this happens, don’t give credit to the accusations, especially from those not present. At best, they are twisted to fit the current narrative. At worst, they were never even said. Stay grounded and stick to the truth of what was said between the two of you. Other voices have no place in the marriage or a voice in the solutions needed.

DARVO and Provoking

We’re all familiar with the DARVO tactic. It is missing the provoking component in the acronym. Provoking is a key part of reversing the roles of the victim and the offender. The reversal does not happen without tactics, one of which is to wear down the wife with complaints about all the things she is trying to control. He’ll complain about her boundaries because of the control he feels from them, or that they are just mean. He’ll complain that there is nothing he can do to make her safe if she’s decided she’s not safe with him. He’ll blame the issue on her trauma or on the fact that they don’t talk. They will think they have done everything right, that they understand what they did in the past, and that the problem is what is happening now. On and on this goes, provoking, poking, badgering her with his narrative until there is a standoff or a win for him. 

Any badgering or hounding type of engagement will likely end in abuse and pain. These conversations are best ended as quickly as possible to protect your well-being from further abuse. Remember, do not negotiate with an abuser.

Sticks and Stones

A conversation with an activated abuser is stressful. These talks may feel as physically painful as an injury in the body. If you’ve ever had a broken heart, you know how painful that feels. We’ll skip all the neuroscience and neuropsychology on this because it is not the point of this post. It is important to address this pain for a couple of reasons. 

1. Pain can be a motivator to cave to the demands and manipulation of the abuser
2. Pain can be confusing in a way that may cause a disregard for your gut instincts
3. Pain may impair reason and weaken boundaries

Words hurt, especially when they come from the person who said they loved you and wanted to marry you. It doesn’t always feel like this pain will pass, but it does. What makes it difficult to get through is not using the pain constructively. If pain is disrupting your ability to think and to function, please give yourself time to sit and be still. Dysregulation from verbal abuse takes time to leave the body. The energy exchange is high octane. Give yourself the gift of time. If you have physical impacts, then your body is telling you to rest. Do the basics: sun, rest, good food, even if it is simple foods. Your body operates and metabolizes energy with energy.

Human beings are designed to need one another. There won’t be a perfect replacement for what you need from your spouse, but while you are attempting to navigate the abuse or make decisions for the future, try not to isolate. Find a group or support person who can help you write the mental stories for you to heal from. We all write stories in our minds. The wrong stories can cause more pain on top of the verbal abuse from the conversation with the abuser. Words matter. Use words that help you heal, not those that replay the ones he’s used to abuse you.

Social and Relational Interaction

As said before, human beings are social and relational beings. Our interactions with one another reflect this connection. When these interactions have poor structural patterns, it is important to get good help to navigate how to repair and replace unhealthy patterns of interaction. Just taking a break from each other won’t always solve it. Humans go back to what was normal, known, or comfortable. This often results in a recurrence of past patterns of interaction.

Before reengaging, rules need to be established. Beliefs and attitudes need to be solidified. A couple should not just start talking about hurtful past interactions. If you do not have a good communication coach or therapist, find one. Do not try to navigate this too quickly; it takes time to change patterns of engagement.

It is possible to work through the problems created by an abuser. It will never happen if the abusive husband is blaming his wife. No matter what, he can only change himself. To expect her to change creates an issue for his change. Newton’s law has a place in social interaction theory. When person A changes, person B will also change. The hope is that these two acts bring the couple closer, not further apart. That outcome is up to the abuser.

Gentlemen, if you are looking for a relationship correction course, please reach out to us at Center for Peace. We have several self-paced courses available to help reset your relationship.

Ladies, if you are looking for a place of support, please join us at the Society for Dignity

Communication is our primary mode we use for interaction with each other. We often get this wrong. We make assumptions. We misread signals. We misunderstand how emotions and feelings work in us, and how to understand them for ourselves and others. We live in a time when taking responsibility for hurting others is at an all-time low. These are just a few of the issues couples face — even before we add in the effects of abuse. Couples need an abuse specialist to help them. That’s what you can find at Center for Peace.