Let’s Talk About Intention

There are a lot of things abusive men do that can be baffling. The statement, “I didn’t intend to hurt you” is one of the more baffling and dysregulating abuse excuses. Let’s talk about this.

Define

INTEN’TIONAL, adjective Intended; designed; done with design or purpose.

This is the perfect definition for what we experience when an abuser makes that intention statement when you ask why he did that hurtful thing. They know looking at porn is going to hurt. 

Think about this, “The intention is connected to the decision – not the action” (Coach Joi)

Wait, what was that again, Coach Joi?

“The Intention is Connected to the Decision – Not the Action” (Coach Joi)

Let’s unpack this with the following example. 

The abusive husband sneaks out of bed after you are asleep to go look at porn. The action is looking at porn. The decision was the dishonest choice to leave the room to do something in a way that the wife will not find out about but would be hurt once this is discovered.

Sneaking and hiding are intentional decisions made unilaterally by the individual. The choice to hide porn use has a benefit to the one making the decision. The fact that the porn use is hidden is evidence that the user knows there is going to be a problem with this action. The disregard of harm speaks to the intentional disregard of and for his wife. 

Hold on…as important as it is to break this out to understand how to parse out the intentionality, we know the use of porn is betraying, abusive and does hurt us as a wife of a porn consumer. 

The purpose of this exercise is to highlight the known elements of intentional decisions. In no way does it minimize or disqualify the porn use as a huge betrayal.

When he Doesn’t Seem to Care About the Hurt

A wedding vow is a promise of loyalty and fidelity. A grown adult man should not require an explanation of this expectation. There likely isn’t any confusion on what his bride believes about the promise he makes to her. So, when he has withheld his problematic sexual history or porn use from her, he’s made an intentional decision to keep secrets and deny consent. 

He knows what he’s doing. 

There’s a reason for this decision – it is to protect himself – not her.  A decision to protect or hide behaviors that would result in harm to another person is evidence of a lack of care or regard. 

We do not hurt people we care about.

Care vs. Empathy

Before we get back to intention, let’s unpack caring and empathy – because what kind of human being has such little regard for a life partner to intentionally cause this kind of deep harm?

It is often said in the so-called “addiction” or narcissist communities that these types of individuals do not have empathy. This is often the reason given for why they are so careless with their actions. 

At Center for Peace, we define and describe the character disordering effects of porn use differently. The lack of regard for another human being is the result of years of porn consumption. Porn is non-relational. It is a selfish act that requires no relationship, no giving, no patience, no sacrifice. There is no love involved. It is an action with a benefit for the consumer. Men who have used porn no longer consider sexual interactions as relational. In fact, it often makes men angry if a live partner expects something from them.

Caring for a wife or intimate partner reflects concern, and regard. These attributes lead to actions that are protective of other’s well-being and benefit. It would be an intentional failure to express care while at the same time doing something harmful.

Empathy is effort put into a shared space with another human being in a way that honors the thoughts and feelings of that person. 

Both attributes are choices. They are a part of one’s character. The lack of these attributes has no connection to a personality disorder or mental health state for this population. You act upon them, or you don’t. It reflects your conscience as a human being. Low conscience humans do not bother to care about others.

“Lack of Intentionality leads to a Repetition of What is Easiest” (author unknown)

Intentionality is all about choices. If you operate as a human of high character, you make life choices based on pro-social values. A low-character human has patterns of choice making that will more often cause harm to others. Those outcomes, are unfortunately, not a problem for these types of humans. Low-character choice making patterns stem from the individual’s permission-giving-beliefs© to make choices that are self-serving regardless of any harmful outcomes to other people. Those outcomes, are unfortunately, not a problem for these types of humans.

What Lack of Intentionality Sounds Like

• I didn’t mean for this to hurt you
• It’s not like I plan to be abusive
• I don’t get up every day thinking about all the ways I can intentionally abuse
• I didn’t mean it that way – you took it wrong
• I’m not a mind reader, how could I do that intentionally and know it would be a problem

The point is – it is never an accident or mistake to this type of person. Men who target abuse on their wife know her well enough to know what will hurt her. They possess enough social understanding to know right from wrong. Their cognitive  capacity is sufficient to understand cause and effect. They do not care. Period!

The Right to Deny

Individuals who live in low-intentionality© have no interest in hearing how their actions make others feel. They are not interested in actual outcomes for anyone but themselves. If you attempt to encourage them to consider you, or try to “help them understand,” etc., you will find yourself caught up in more vicious abuse events as they believe their right to deny facts and experiences of others supersedes anyone’s position on the matter. They are right. Period!

Intentional Safety is in the Power of Your Story

The best course of action when you interact with someone using “Targeted Partner Abuse©” is to remember that safety is in holding tight to your story of the events and what those abusive actions mean to you. 

An abusive man does not have the right to tell you what you feel or think. He cannot read your emotional expressions, even if he’s known you for years and believes he can – predictions are just guesses – he can be wrong. 
When your experience is being re-written to protect the abuser, you know you are being abused with tactics of “intentional deniability©”. This is a victim-blaming pattern meant to reverse the ownership of behavior, remove the responsibility of the actor (perpetrator) and change the history of the event – all for his benefit.

Year-long Abuse Correction Program

This kind of psychological abuse requires an abuse correction program to resolve. This will not be resolved in any so-called “addiction” program. It will not be resolved by believing all of the people-helper narratives on the internet about narcissism. Abuse is a correctable lifestyle. It requires the right tools to do so. 

If you’d like a seat in the September cohort, contact us quickly.