Let’s Discuss Financial Abuse

Did you get married thinking the man you loved would care for you, treat you right and fair, build a life with you where you would navigate life together?  Was there a rude awakening to that dream where you soon discovered you were married to the king in his counting house and everything that came into the home was owned and controlled by him? 

Let’s unpack that and see where things went south.

Financial Abuse – Defined

Financial abuse involves the unilateral control of marital (meaning joint) resources by limiting or refusing access. Financial abuse or financial coercion can have serious outcomes when the wife and children are unable to get basic needs met due to the lack of access to family resources. 

Additionally, financial abuse can happen even if the couple lives in separate locations and the required financial installments are not made by the husband/ex-husband.

Scenarios of Financial Abuse

Now that we know what it is, let’s look at some of the types of financial coercion our clients have experienced. 

• No account access: All requests for financial access and transparency have been denied in this case. The husband controls all money given to the wife, yet has unlimited access to all accounts, names on accounts, and is the single signer of all cards/accounts.
• Limited account access: In this scenario, the husband controls specific accounts where he makes unilateral decisions about how money is spent. The wife cannot see the transactions, has no way of knowing how the funds are used, or the types of deposits and withdrawals. The wife has access to a few accounts. These are joint accounts that the husband can use/manage as well.
• All assets/accounts in husband’s name only: This scenario involves usurping the ownership or control of all household accounts including, but not limited to the mortgage, utilities, vehicles (loans and titling), etc. In this type of abuse, it may even be difficult to register children for activities if the husband requires that he be a main point of contact on school, medical or sport team lists. 
• Limited spending ability: This type of financial control prevents the wife/mom from being able to grocery shop or perform other shopping tasks for the family or children’s needs without the husband’s presence or permission.
• No voice with children/home: In this situation, the husband/father controls what is purchased for the children, including their food, clothing and gifts given on birthdays, holidays, etc. Depending on the narrative of the father, He may take control of gifting, often bribing the children so that he’s seen as such a great loving father through this manipulative gifting practice.
  
• Miscellaneous instances of financial abuse:
  • Demanding wife/GF secure loans in her name for which he never pays back
  • “Borrows” large sums of money for debts he has prior to marriage 
  • Requires you to hand over the control of your accounts prior to marriage – while refusing to make his accounts joint
  • Cashes your pension or other streams of income without your knowledge/permission
  • Takes you out to eat/shop and then doesn’t have money at checkout
  • Demands to see where you spend money, but will not show you any of his spending
  • Defaults on obligations in your name (student loans, vehicle loans, etc.)
  • Uses your account to pay his bills via direct debit

This list illuminates only a fraction of conditions my clients have brought to me for help.

It is obvious serious offenses happen in marriages where men are financially coercive over their wives.

Important to Note: 

1. Correcting financial abuse may at times involve serious changes in who manages family resources. 
2. Family resources are just that – resources for the family. It does not matter how those funds are acquired. It doesn’t matter who works outside the home or who is the stay-at-home parent. Money is a joint asset. Your debts/financial obligations are joint as well.
3. Men, please listen, money from your job is not YOUR money. It is earned for the benefit of those in your household. They are your stewardship. A good steward ensures all are cared for without selfishly attending to himself first and then to the home/others.
4. After a disclosure many wives take on financial management (not control). For a time, the pendulum swing has been for the husband to have limited access while behaviors are worked on and trust restored. These are safety precautions for the marriage and are not acts of counter-abuse.

The Contributions Women Make in the Home

The point of this part of the post is to highlight the multi-faceted jobs a woman manages regardless of whether she works outside the home or not. The conditions and logistical management of home and family are as varied as are the type of family units. 

For our sample scenario, let’s consider a mom who does not work outside the home to create our list. If you work outside the home, add all your typical duties at work to this list. If you are a homeschool mom, your list should be exponentially longer with all the subjects and grades you teach. Lastly, do not forget to add all your academic pursuits as part of your list of skills.

CEO of Household

CEO of Children (regardless of level of “help” by the father)

Chef, Baker, Dietitian and Cleaner of all things Kitchen

Events Coordinator

Chauffeur

Doctor

Vet

Domestic Engineer

Gardener/Landscape Designer

Interior Designer, Painter, Home Renovation Manager

Dry Cleaner

Maid – (all areas of the home outside of the kitchen, including outside areas)

Family Accountant w/specialty in living way below our means

Seamstress

Family Nurse – People and Animals

Home Business Manager

Husband’s Secretary and finder of al lost items

Religious Mentor

Conflict Resolution Expert

Vacation Planner –

IT Department Head

Computer Repair Technician

Home Economics Instructor

Children’s College Scholarship Director

Community Service Project Coordinator

Information/Researcher

Organizer of all things that fit in and out of the home, regardless of who they belong to

All Inclusive Gifting and Holiday Manager –

*Gentlemen –

You might find it an interesting financial project to determine the annual salary you would have to earn if you were required to pay your wife an adequate salary for these family contributions – many of which she does because she loves her family – not because she necessarily enjoys cleaning up after messy humans.

To the Men: A Wedding Vow is not an Indenture Agreement

When you married your wife, you did not purchase an indenture agreement where your wife would work for you as some sort of life apprenticeship. She did not need time to “practice” being a wife, mother, or keeper of all things in your home. Most of these roles should have been shared stewardships anyway.

A marriage is an agreement to share – everything. You are not the owner, king of the castle or dictator. Your part of the life building/life giving agreement is to love, honor, serve, and provide. These duties often take strength of heart, a great length of time and tremendous sacrifice. Marriage and family should also be the greatest experience of your life – even on the most difficult days. 

Instead, many of you came into the marriage thinking if you went to work so your people could live someplace and have something to wear and eat – you were gold. Then you could golf, video game, or maybe even sneak off to do a little porn.

Abuse of any kind is the most inhumane act by one against the will and well-being of another. Financial abuse makes men into dictatorial monsters. This is not a pejorative; it is simply true. The audacity that must exist in the mind of a man who would treat his life partner in this manner is inexcusable. 

This call out is to any man who has wrongly coerced and controlled marital finances, including any of the accompanying verbal abuse that is often part of financial discussion, you can correct these abusive attitudes and behaviors. You can make amends to become a financially honorable husband and father. If you need help with an action plan to restore yourself to a corrected place – please join us this September in our year-long program.