Making the Victim into the Villain

Why Victims Cannot Safely be the Victim

Some time back we posted a blog about The Good Man Narrative. In that post we discussed the way men who use “Targeted Partner Abuse©” protect their narrative with their collusion group. In this edition we add to that discussion with the abuse tactic of “Making the Victim into the Villain.”

The Protagonist and the Antagonist

Every good story has a good guy and a bad guy. This is the pattern we see in fiction and in marriages where there is “Targeted Partner Abuse©” – the difference being, the antagonist is ferociously attempting to reverse the players. 

Abusive men put incredible energy into social image management. They protect their public persona often while destroying the reputation of their target victim, thus turning the victim into the villain. 

It is all too common to read news reports or op eds detailing the stories of victims seeking redress for heinous acts of violence upon them. Society has trained our ears to hear these kinds of stories with a victim-blaming lexicon. 

The Victim

Will be accused of lying, trying to get something from him (money, position, etc.), or trying to ruin his life. 

The Abuser

Will be viewed as misunderstood, as making a mistake due to a bit too much to drink, or as the nice guy who would never do something like that.

The Victim Becomes the Villain

With just a few carefully chosen words, victims become villains when attempting to right the wrongs acted against her. This is often the reason women who are raped do not report those crimes. 

Years of work in this field has shown that these men will stop at almost nothing to ensure that their story is believed. Whatever regard they have for their wife seems to all but disappear as their twisted versions of events are exaggerated, told out of context, shared with bold lies and cunningly crafted shifts in detail so that they come out the nice guy and she is seen as bitter and angry.

The Real Villain Does Not View Himself in Reality

It is not uncommon for a man who uses “Targeted Partner Abuse©” to refuse to see the impact of his behavior on his wife.  A strong belief that he is a “good man” must be flung about in every direction to create a smoke screen that evidence to the contrary will be sufficiently covered by his narrative.

How Does This Play out in Our Stories?

This pattern is no different in marriages where the husband is the perpetrator and the wife the victim. Once there is a discovery of the sexual betrayals various types of narrative control begins. 

• Lying to therapists – Not telling the whole story or lying about the behaviors is one of the tactics that sets the stage for villainizing the wife.

• Lying to clergy – Men often have power or position in the church. This affords them a community of men who will get behind him and support him – even to the point of attempting to help get his wife straightened out.

• So-called “Recovery” Group Narratives – Often in these groups, men flatter each other with their recovery success/failures, many of which include a version of the angry, or traumatized wife who has yet to heal. 

• Flying Monkeys (Collusion Groups) – These individuals can be friends, colleagues, or family members from either side that will align with the abuser’s story. 

With just a few carefully crafted words told to anyone in just these few examples, the character of the victim can be quickly smeared. Without acting lessons or much in the way of writing talent, a man with a mission to cover his tracks, can set the stage for a protective narrative for himself and a character assassination of his wife.

The Abusive Mind

Victim Blaming = Villainizing Victims

A quick AI Google Check on this topic provides a couple good explanations for why this seems to be so pervasive in our social narrative. 

• Victim blaming: People may blame victims to distance themselves from the event and feel invulnerable. They may also feel that the world is just, and that people get what they deserve. 
• Rape culture: Rape culture normalizes or trivializes sexual assault and abuse. 
• Perpetuation of disbelief: When people in positions of power are accused, many people react by scrutinizing the victim instead of the accused. This can compound the victim’s trauma and perpetuate a culture of fear and silence. 
• Fear of the perpetrator: Victims may fear the perpetrator, especially if they are in a position of power or are well liked. 
• Fear of being blamed: Victims may be afraid of being blamed for the assault. 
• Fear of not being believed: Victims may be afraid that they won’t be believed, especially if they are female. 
• Fear of the outcome: Victims may be worried about how they would feel if their attacker is found not guilty. 

This is a mark on our social system that so many perpetrators of any type of abuse are believed over the victim. 

The best way to ensure protection for innocent people is to obliterate the systems that support the evils of abuse and domestic violence. Until we can re-create the social structure that holds those committing these crimes against women and children – this problem will continue. 

Until we can build a society that maintains the rights and dignity of all human beings, we will continue to see women and children abused emotionally, verbally, psychologically, sexually, financially, spiritually by the men who promised to love and care for them. 

Over the decades of work in this field and even with all the influencers and people helpers working in various ways to speak into this epidemic – the harm worsens.

If you are committing these kinds of behaviors, please reach out to Center for Peace to attend our year-long abuse correction program. 

If you are a victim who has been made out to be the villain and are in need of support, please join our groups today.