The “I Deserve” Fallacy

A Discussion on Privilege Thinking Errors

This topic may generate some heat, but if you’ll bear with me for a bit, I’ll try to make a valid point with the title of this post.

“I Deserve or Just-world” Fallacy

I’ve cogitated on this topic for some time due to the number of discussions I have with the men in my groups. This line of thinking is a belief system for the creation and defense of one’s deeply rooted permission-giving beliefs. These beliefs are the impetus for many self-serving behaviors that are abusive or hurtful to others. 

This psychology is not a personality trait contrary to what you might find if you Google this (or other phrases discussed later in the post). One’s mindset is not attached to personality, rather it is part of one’s character. Character is associated with human values and the behaviors that result from adhering to or violating your values.

Sense of Entitlement is not a Personality Trait

The mis-assessing for viewing a sense of entitlement or an “I deserve” mindset as a personality trait has a lot to do with the heavy social focus on narcissism, which is often misdiagnosed due to the prevalence of “male-patterned targeted abuse©” and the lack of training for mental health workers attempting to treat this behavior.

The mental health community has also put a lot of energy into the reasons why some people seem to have a sense of entitlement. For example, some suggest this condition is due to being a spoiled child, having a dysfunctional family, or some other life experience that does not support a justification for this mindset. These theories cause more harm than good.

Believing You Are Better Than

Believing you are better than others is fostered in the mind of the individual. It has nothing to do with one’s nature or nurture (though poor parenting examples can contribute). This problematic thinking will often lead to social problems, not the least of which is abuse. 

A basic ethical or human rights perspective would support the position that all human beings have a right to, or deserve basic human necessities, basic freedoms, and certain social rights such as education, equal employment opportunities, and protection from discrimination. 

Beyond this, the I deserve mindset becomes a line to blur if one persists in acting on beliefs beyond the scope of our social agreements. Agreements such as honesty with and towards one another, or fidelity in marriage, to name a few.

It is also important to note that with each of these rights comes obligations and responsibilities to others. As human beings, we have a responsibility to one another, not rights to demand or impose. Consider driving on a road in your local town as an example. The driver who believes he has a right to be first in line, often weaves in and out of lanes like an Indy racecar to ensure there is no chance of waiting behind another vehicle. This type of driver, inconsiderate as their driving approach may be, takes advantage of others, pushing an envelope that will one day reach expiration when an accident occurs that could have been avoided if greater care was taken. Yet this is so common, that most of us see this more as normal than are offended at the lack of regard for human life this driver – behind the wheel of something that could cause serious harm – has for the lives of those around him.

In the population I serve, there are men who take serious risks with the health and well-being of the woman they are married to when they exercise their sexual beliefs outside of the marriage. Equally dangerous are the men exercising “Targeted Partner Abuse©” through the verbal onslaught of cruel language or the misuse of wrongly assumed power over by controlling finances or abusing power in any other fashion – just because they believe they deserve to “act as the leader.”

I Deserve Psychology

If you have a mindset or belief that you deserve certain things from the world, you may find yourself angry at that world when it doesn’t deliver up for you. If there are elements of life you deserve, one would hope you do all you can to work to provide those elements for yourself. There are no free lunches in this world. A container of shampoo with 33% more – costs more, no matter how well marketed. Life is like that – and on this planet – more people expect something without giving in return. 

The unhealthy thought patterns of individuals who believe they are owed specific outcomes in their life, are often the type that are not pleased or satisfied with what they acquire. More times than not, the cards just do not fall as nicely as one hopes 

Unhealthy thought patterns often lead to harm to others. If you, as a married man, believe you have rights to certain sexual privileges outside of the bounds of your marriage, or even within the marriage, but outside of the boundaries of your wife’s consent, you may find yourself in a double bind when you push those limits. 

Unhealthy belief systems can be absorbed through our societal scripts. No matter your education, upbringing, or socio-economic status, these scripts are easily absorbed because they feed our westernized narratives that taking care of yourself is the most important ideology we hold. Rather than seeing the benefits of giving and serving others. Too many people are me-centric.

Male Deservedness Psychology

The most distorted component of this mindset is held by men who hold to a sexual deservedness belief system. This may have been propagated through patriarchal thought systems or through a hegemonic/male rights narrative. Whatever the route of administration, these narratives breed the mythological constructs that men need more sex, men are more sexual than women, or that men are more visual and therefore cannot help themselves – they just must look leer at women.

Men do not have special rights over women. Men are not entitled to more sex, or even to sex from their wife. Your supposed sexual abilities are not a sign of how masculine you are. Women are not on this planet for your use, nor do they enjoy your slimy glances at them in the grocery store or at work.

How About a List?

Just for fun – how about a list of harms that may result from this deservedness mindset?

• Lack of accountability: Top of the list is that the “I deserve” mindset leads to a lack of accountability for one’s behavioral outcomes, especially those that harm others. Choices have consequences that ripple into the lives of those innocent of the choice.
• Relationship impact: An “I deserve” mindset can harm a relationship when one party believes their rights supersede another’s. Or when they make demands on another in a power-over manner.
• Creates resentments, grudges, scorekeeping: When you don’t get what you believe you deserve you might form grudges or keep score and then punish the one to whom you believe owes you something. 
• False Validation/Attention: Another huge problem that stems from this mindset is that the “I deserve” individual develops maladaptive demands for validation or attention. You all know the problems this will create when these demands are not met. 

Just-World Bias

The problem with a just-world mindset is that we do not live in a morally fair and ethically sound world. We’d like to believe that most people are good and do the right thing. More times than not we are disappointed by people who should choose better.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of “Targeted Partner Abuse©,” you know first-hand that abusive men tend to not be held to account for the intimate treason, the collusion with family friends and even the smear-campaigns held with the children against their mom – his wife are real and excruciating to experience.

We’d all be in a better world if people treated all contracts, whether with work or people, with the kind of dignity all human beings should deserve.

Whether it is our anglophonic spouting of karma, or a common human desire that some universal force would restore a moral balance to the choices and consequences of people’s words and actions – many on this planet are likely in favor of a system that holds to the proper consequences for evil or abusive behavior of one to another. 

Until that time is achieved, it might be helpful for those who feed a psychology of deservedness to consider in what ways this mindset contributes to or contaminates the environment in which they live or the people in their stewardship. 

At Center for Peace we are dedicated to the restoration of dignity to those injured by the abusive language and actions of their intimate partner. We are dedicated to the instruction of corrective paradigms that will enable men who have been taught and modeled abuse from a hegemonic social script that women should be treated with disrespect and contempt. We are dedicated to the protection of these victims, encouraging them to seek truth, own their own agentic authority and find ways to live in peace.