Holding Space is More than a Social Statement

According to Google, the term “holding space” was popularized by Donald Winnicott in 1960. It gained traction when Heather Plett used the term in a blog post sometime in 2015. We all chuckle at the phrase now thanks to the bit from Wicked.

In the clinical field, we speak about holding space as a process of affirming and validating human beings. The process involves some of the following components.

• Listening to what is being expressed in a non-critical manner
• Creating safety for the speaker to say what is believed or felt without judgment
• Validating the experience and emotions of the speaker
• Avoiding fixing or offers of help unless invited by the speaker
• Staying present for the whole process

The Challenges of Holding Space

The process of holding space can be a complicated event if the listener is the one who caused the harm (We’ll call this individual the perpetrator for this post.) to the person in need of a safe, supportive environment to share.

If a perpetrator of harm believes merely listening will fix or transition the relationship back to a normal state, he is misusing and misunderstanding the purpose of holding space. This practice is not for the perpetrator, it is for the victim.

What to do and not to do when holding space

Don’t Make Excuses: Holding space is not an opportunity for the perpetrator to share his excuses. Many abusive men believe that if they can “just explain their side” the impact of the harm will not hold the degree of injury the victim believes it holds. This is faulty thinking on the part of the perpetrator and can be manipulative.

Don’t Manufacture Stories in Your Head: Like excuse-making, many perpetrators of abuse create stories in their heads about the event. These stories blur the truth of the event. They diminish the victim’s right to describe her experience with the impact of his behavior towards her. These stories are about the perpetrator, not the victim – which is not the point of holding space.

Don’t Exercise Power and Control: A perpetrator will often not listen to the experiences of the victim. This is viewed as a tactic to gain control over the narrative of the event(s). This unwillingness to listen to the person he hurt controls her right to express the pain she experienced at his hand. These behaviors protect the perpetrator, further injuring the victim. 

Practice Curiosity: The practice of curiosity helps perpetrators of abuse develop relational skills that are often purposefully ignored by an abuser. Ask “say more” type questions. Be intentionally interested in learning how your words and actions (or lack thereof) caused hurt to the person you say you care for.

Be Empathic: Like curiosity, empathy is a practicable attribute. When you care about another human being, empathy is a natural outgrowth of care and regard. 

      Important note: Many believe abusive men do not have empathy – as if this is a hardwired, neuro-specific emotion that humans either have or do not have. This is just not accurate. Pro-social character attributes are part of our human value systems. We either practice and build them or we do not. The real reason we often do not see empathy and compassion from abusive men is that the value system is based on their psychology of selfishness rather than on other-centeredness.

Be Patient and Kind: Without patience and kindness, you will not hold space for the injuries sustained. You will be more concerned about your discomfort than the pain you caused. Impatience leads to vocal elevation and affect escalation (more on this topic in another post).

Understand the Difference Between Respectful Silence and Stonewalling: Holding space will require the perpetrator to keep still. Your silence should be seen as quiet respect. The point of this practice is not to sit there seething inside and stonewalling her because you do not like what is being shared. This time is not about you – it is for her!

Let’s Say this Another Way

If you have been targeting abuse upon your wife during your marriage, holding space or sitting in her pain (another phrase you may have heard), is going to take some effort on your part. 

If you are used to commanding all the attention or never feeling any discomfort, holding space for another human – especially the one you abused – is likely not a well-developed human attribute for you. 

Sitting in pain has been the one experience most abusers avoid at all costs. This will cost you to learn to do it correctly.          

Emphasis:  Correctly is an accurate term in this situation. There are many ways that not having a correct place for holding pain can become another abuse event. If you are not sure of the process – schedule a session to work out the details before you engage in additional abuse.

Being Human and Relational

Two more phrases that belong in this discussion are, “being human” and “being relational.”  These phrases imply exhibiting all the core human attributes necessary to hold space or sit in someone’s pain. These are the qualities of empathy, connection, understanding, compassion, etc.

To possess these attributes requires an agentic decision to more than act upon the quality to gain a response from others. These are core to the individual human. They do not have to be compelled by an external force. 

They would include all the elements above, along with the following,

• A desire for healthy communication (not narrative control (
• A desire to engage and interact in a meaningful manner that builds and uplifts rather than tears down and destroys
• A desire to express oneself with care and to also listen with that same level of regard 
• A desire to extend effort to mutually agreed objectives 
• A desire for honesty, openness, and transparency 
• A desire for a collaborative, life-giving, and loving relationship
• A desire for vulnerability – shown agentically – in actions not just rehearsed words
• A desire for respect for oneself and your wife and marriage – these are not mutually exclusive components. It is like a three-legged stool. If an element of respect is missing, the stool is unsupportable.

A Final Word

There is so much more that could be said in this post. The critical point here – in case you missed it, Gentlemen – is that holding space is not just a random event if you “made a mistake,” or a nice social statement to make.

Holding space is the essence of your expressed relationality. It is the foundation of all healthy coupleships. 

The problem with many men who have targeted abuse on their wives is that they have not been in a relationship. They may have been married, but they have not attended properly to the stewardship of a marriage relationship and the people included in that union. 

The very idea of love and marriage carries with it a stewardship, a responsibility, that cannot be taken lightly. If you entered your marriage believing you were getting a maid, mother, housekeeper, children-bearer/nurturer, and sex provider – that you referred to as “my wife” — you may be showing all the signs of male-privilege socialization.

The Correction

Notice we didn’t use the word fix or cure, because abuse must be corrected and maintained daily. Efforts must be extended continually because a deep and abiding relationship requires nourishment. 

There is doable, obtainable, correction possible.

You have to make the choice to self-correct.

If you need a refresher course in being a loving, kind, decent human being come join our Year-long Program starting soon.