Targeted Partner Abuse©

Why this isn’t narcissism or toxic relational behavior

If you have been a client or follower of  Center for Peace for any time, you may be familiar with the term “Targeted Partner Abuse©” to refer to the experience wives have with men who use coercive control or power-over type behaviors in the marriage. If not, this post may help provide good material for you to use when trying to talk about your experience to others who do not have lived experience with an abusive husband.

As a reminder, because the population I work with is abusive men, my posts focus on this population. It is our position that all human beings should be treated with respect and kindness. Abuse, of any kind is unacceptable behavior.

Language Matters

At Center for Peace we often address the importance of words. Words can cause great joy or great distress in our relationships. Words communicate great harm or immeasurable comfort, depending on how they are used. 

Not only can words be weaponized, but words also matter when we talk about the terms we use to describe the behaviors of men who abuse and the experience of the victims of abuse.

“Targeted Partner Abuse©”

Is a term for intentional abuse by a man to his wife. Often this type of abuse is executed behind closed doors. Meaning the abusive husband will typically be a nice guy in public to protect his public image. A man using “Targeted Partner Abuse©” only abuses the wife, though some may abuse the children to also abuse the wife. The processes can include all the other specific forms like, gaslighting, blame-shifting, DARVO’ing, etc.

What’s Different from “TPA©” to Narcissism or Toxic Relationship Partners?

As with all the other terms one might find on the internet that are commonly talked about on social media platforms, blogs, etc., “TPA©” directly speaks to the fact that there is a target for this action. This is a critical component of this behavior.

The omission of this part of the terminology can lead one to the wrong conclusions, such as this is a personality disorder, or that it has its basis in childhood wounds. Abuse is the outcome of unhealthy values. Healthy people have a pro-social value system. 

Many people often mistakenly use references to narcissism because of the deep, though understandable need, to have something diagnosable to explain the cruel behavior. Abuse and cruelty are more often the result of a lack of regard (do not confuse this with empathy – we’ll save this for another post) for the rights and well-being of their wife. This is why this behavior is targeted. Most abusers know perfectly well how to manage themselves in public.

Intermittent “Targeted Maltreatment©”

Men using “Targeted Partner Abuse©” engage in behaviors that are specifically cruel to their wife. As stated before, there may be some abuse used toward their children, but the main target is the wife/partner. These behaviors are about coercion and control. They can be financial, spiritual, emotional, verbal and psychological in scope. 

What we also see in this population is maltreatment that switches to what might have the appearance of kindness and affection. This is intentional and controlled. Men cannot always be brutally cruel if their intentions are to keep the marriage intact. This type of switching can be very distressing to the wife, making it difficult to ascertain trust and safety.

Intentionality

All abuse is deliberate and intentional. All human beings who can conduct themselves appropriately in public know how to treat people correctly. Most of the men in this population do not abuse other family members, church or work associates or the public. In fact, if a harmful act happened by the abusive man to another human being, they would own the action and apologize. Abusive husbands do not apologize to their wives.

Abusers will often lie about the abuse in many ways as an approach to hide their behaviors by twisting what happened to the point that the victim becomes the perpetrator in the retelling of the story. Hiding abusive actions helps promote narrative control – victim blaming has been a primary tactic of abuse as long as we have been researching the data of domestic abuse. 

Consider all the stories your husband has attempted to get you to believe about why things have happened. Does he forget a lot? Lose track of time? Does he have a hard time remembering the different versions of the answers he’s given you to? It isn’t that complicated to create stories about your actions when you do not want someone to know the truth. In contrast, the truth isn’t that complicated to share, nor does it require defensiveness either. 

Lastly, hidden abusive actions, such as most sexual behaviors, also verify deliberateness. No one hides behaviors they don’t have a value problem with. If porn wasn’t a problem, it could happen all the time, no matter who was around.

The Bottom Line

“Targeted Partner Abuse©” has become a plague across the globe, with a reach into every culture, religion and economic sphere. While there are types or patterns of “TPA©” that are like one another, presentation types and length of behavior vary individual to individual. 

If you are experiencing this type of abuse or if you have been abusing your wife, please reach out to Center for Peace. We have a year-long abuse correction program for men and support groups for wives.