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Enough and to Spare 

The Law of Abundance

I have dedicated my life’s work to helping people understand the relational debt that we carry with one another. Our social-relational obligations are quite significant. We can bless or injure one another in each interaction that we have. 

Unfortunately, we are experiencing a season of social-economic existence where personal responsibility to the human beings around us is in an unstoppable free-fall.  People who injure others want to be exonerated and released of the obligation to repair egregious wrongs.

These individuals often attempt to compel this outcome at a huge cost to the injured party.

Understanding Human Economy

From a social science perspective, we understand this theory as “the human cost exchange©” that occurs in our daily interactions with one another. When we are in healthy environments, we do not damage each other metabolically (the physical/cognitive tax of social interaction©). However, when there is toxicity from abuse, the cost can be quite significant.

In short, people can make other people sick.

Human Economy and Abuse

An abusive husband is a costly, high risk human interaction. Years of living with the strain of abuse will take a toxic toll on the wife (victim).  In every client case I have attended to for decades, I have not had a single wife without an autoimmune or other imbalance in her body due to the high cost of attempting to do life with an abuser.

Abusive men create a lot of chaos due to the various ways they deploy abuse. From gaslighting to blame-shifting to ineffective parenting or partnering in the home – abusive men exact a large and costly stipend from their wife/life partner.

Invisible Tax Toll

One of the biggest problems is the lack of visibility for the victim. Regardless of the many pleas for help she makes, the percentage of believing and supporting helpers will be quite small.

Abusive men have a knack at creating a posse of corroborators that will help them promote all the lies in the abuser’s smear campaign.

Years of this type of life condition will exact a toll upon the wife that can be damaging to her well-being in every area of life.

The Horrible Hold of Power

In these kinds of life conditions, it can feel as if the very person who was supposed to love and protect you now treats you with the type of contempt one reserves for true enemies. Nothing will be spared to ensure you do not gain an advantage or achieve balance.  Everything becomes a tactic to ensure you have nothing and he has all. 

Abraham Lincoln once said, Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test his character, give him power.” 

Power dynamics in a marriage result in incredible damage if mismanaged. An imbalanced relationship system often results in very painful and costly human interactions

Demand and Withdrawal

Often these power imbalances result in a back and forth of demand and withdrawal. In the case of abuse – this is executed by and beneficial for the abuser. Like a cat toying with its prey, there will be an offering and a snatching away of the offer until an unstable dynamic develops, trust is destroyed, and safety has disappeared.

For the abuser – this is all part of the process. Regardless of victim responses, the abuser will not surrender his power.

A Godly View of Power

To restore a relationship damaged by years of abuse, there must be an establishment of power balance. (*This only happens when there has been careful correction of the abuse and a slow/steady balance from over-corrected states to peaceable, balanced points of interaction.)

One of the best ways to work towards balance is to correct the thinking of needing to have it all to wanting to give all.

Luke 15:17 gives us a very clear picture of the Lord’s storehouse when the Prodigal realizes there is “bread enough and to spare.”  Similarly, remember the story of the feeding of the five thousand – and then imagine being far away from the baskets of loaves and fishes weaving through the front of the crowd. Would you worry that there won’t be any left when the basket’s reach you? 

Then in John 6:37, we read, “All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.” There is no shortage of gifts for those who seek to obey the Father. So why in this world do we seek to take rather than to give?

Deficits are Self-made

If you have lived your life trying to get ahead by stepping on, squashing, manipulating those around you – you live in a self-created deficit. It is a type of greed that cannot be satisfied. And yet – the creations and blessings of God fill the universe and do not have an expiry date.

Regardless of what we hear in the news or on social media platforms, God did not create a world that would run out and leave his children with deficits. Deficits are made by man in the minds of men. 

They are made by those who seek power-over others. They are created in the minds of those who hoard the bounty God created for us to share with one another. 

 There will always be fishes and loaves in the basket if we contribute to the greater good. When greed, pride and selfishness take over – deficits are established.

Relational Deficits

These truths are no more evident than in our current marriages and families where abuse of power, hegemonic systems of control, and usurpation of rightful places are disrespected and destroyed by the unilateral abusive acts of one against the will and well-being of another. 

These conditions are human creations. They are built upon generations of thinking errors that man has a right to something more than his neighbor, brother, or more importantly – his wife. That people are transactional, consumable, and expendable. 

To avoid these conditions requires that we live in love and harmony sacrificially – it is only in giving up that we find abundance for ourselves.

Two Ledger Balance Sheets

There are two ledger sheets that must eventually get balanced. One, God hold. There will be an accounting one day for the way we treat one another here on this planet. The second ledger sheet is the accounting we must balance with one another. 

As agent beings you may get away with abusing and harming for a time, eventually there will be an accounting, a separation, a divorce, a telling of the story you want kept hidden – something will happen if wrongs are not righted. One day – that sheet will be set down alongside God’s. 

Will your human debts be paid?

Taxing the Innocent

If you are exacting a forgiveness tax or a silence tax from the wife you have abused for years – it is time to pay your debt to her. 

She is not obligated to forgive you. God may ask that of her. That is between the two of them. It is not between you and the pastor, friend or family member. If you have a social smear campaign against her because she “won’t forgive and forget” – meaning she won’t be quiet. Consider paying your debt to her first.If you manipulate those in your communities that support the “underdog theory” – let’s get one thing clear – abusive men are not underdogs. They need to be called out and not felt sorry for.

Love and Responsibility

It is not unloving and unkind to hold people accountable. In fact, it is exactly the Christ-like/Christian act we are all called upon to live as our brother’s keeper (Genesis 4:9).It is, however, very unkind and not Christ-like to expect the victims of an abusive husband to endure his abuse and then bear all the public shame and humiliation caused by his targeted public slander©.

For the Victim

Due to the personal cost, physically, emotionally and psychologically when you are with an abusive husband, the best things you can do for yourself are the simplest. An abuser exacts a costly metabolic toll that needs to be rebalanced. 

What balances us best are very small, simple tasks that we all can do. Trust me when I say – you have the ability to restore yourself to wholeness!

  • Fresh air and deep breathing
  • Grounding – get out in nature and breath – this is a double win
  • Sleep – even if you do not get into deep sleep – teach your body to love and relax in your bed. If you need help here – schedule a session with one of the coaches at Center for Peace
  • Eat smart – we don’t put bad gas in the tank in our car, so be mindful of the fuel you feel your most important possession – your body.
  • Find something to love – love is our human superpower. Get a cat, dog, visit a retirement home, or some other human interactive activity. Happy people can make a deposit into your reserves. They love you for visiting them. Same with animal shelters.
  • Work with someone who sees you and understands what you are experiencing.

You can rebuild your personal reserves even if you have interactions with an abusive husband – you just need to know how the combination to your system works. 

The coaches at Center for Peace can help you pick the lock on your account if it has been shut up tight from years of abuse. 

Come work with us!

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