Are You Experiencing Targeted Public Slander?

Victim Blaming Tactics

How tragic is it to live in a world where social slander is an accepted method of communication? This type of behavior stems from – in this author’s opinion – the lack of social regard we have for one another, coupled with an attitude of behavioral relativism. In this post we are going to unpack this behavioral construct as it relates to victims of targeted partner abuse©.

Examining the Terms

Slander: Inaccurate statements, written or oral that can damage someone’s reputation. These are typically shared socially.

Libel: Often written statements that are falsely stated to harm the reputation of others. This often leaves permanent records (like on the internet).

Societal Framework

We live in a world where instant communication is possible across most social, economic, educational, and relational forums thanks to the capabilities of the internet. 

We also live in a world where the ideology of speech freedoms is addressed in multiple forums, with varying degrees of power and authority and stated personal rights. 

The problem with these two variables is that in both there remains the absence of regard for human beings that are different from the individual making the demands of rights and choosing the execution of those rights.

What Does it Say About Those who are Mean to Others?

Individuals with any degree of freedom found in anonymity on social platforms can mouth-off, spouting anything they choose without being required to correct what is said or the impact of their statements.

What is worse with this mindset is that they don’t have to care about the impact of what is shared. It is as if the speaker word vomits into a receptive void and there’s no one on the other hand to catch the hit. The irony of this is that these are individuals who largely seek attention from the unknown source on the receiving end. Like-seeking and social attention seems to cloud reason when there are differing positions on a topic.

The New Playground and the Bully

With so many social media platforms and countless “influencers” over limitless topics or talking points, there are so many so-called “authorities” that have the best approach, or most current understanding on the subject at hand. This phenomenon created a new version of the playgroup bully.

Since there appears to be a social acceptance of sarcasm, targeted potshots, veiled humor, etc., — anything goes. If you can’t take the “feedback” social media might not be a place to spend your time.

Being Different or Wrong at the Core of Public Slander

Psychology websites and blogs suggest that the “why” a bully acts the way they do is because of their insecurity or powerlessness. As a human, we want to have compassion for the internal states others experience.

What is intolerable and untenable is to accept this as a valid reason to behave in socially egregious and harmful ways. 

It does not matter one’s life experience – tragic and difficult as it may have been – no harm experienced from another can explain, justify or release the responsibility for hurting someone else.

Similarly, differences of opinion are also not valid justification to cause harm upon another. There is no human being on this planet that is the same as the human next to them. We may share similar experiences, have similar thoughts or beliefs in common, but we are all uniquely created and as such we all deserve to be afforded social respect – especially in public forums. 

Just scroll or move on when you disagree!

There is no humor in caustic statements, public humiliation tactics to ridicule the intelligence of other participants, or any other socially disrespectful action. Joining in on social humiliation tactics makes you just as culpable and abusive!

Hal Urban made a powerful statement when he said, “What you accept – you teach. What you permit – you promote.” <–A word to the wise for those who engage is social taunting and ridicule.

Victim Blaming Using Public Slander Tactics

I’ve worked in this field for decades. I have witnessed first-hand personally and professionally the increase of targeted public slander© as the rate of targeted male abuse towards females© has increased. Whether this is due to the pop-psych/mental health hypothesis on “narcissism” or whether it is due to the ever-increasing production of people consumption promoted by the industrial porn complex, or any number of possible variables – this is a tragic social ill.

The fact that a man who has already been abusive either by his sexual behaviors outside of his relationship, or his abusive behaviors towards his wife inside the home in the form of emotional, verbal, psychological, financial, spiritual, etc., to ramp up the tactic by taking his lies and slander public, adds a whole new level of abuse to the experience for these targeted women.

Believing a Perpetrator not the Victim

The outcome of all this Targeted Public Slander© can be viewed as a type of social brainwashing. The tactic is to get the message to other sources that will collude with the abusive husband to help with the attack on the victim. 

Anyone who agrees to this collusion is abusive themselves. There is no place to feign a belief that the man was a “good man,” a “church man,” or anything other subjective evaluation of the abuser. Colluders do NOT do their due diligence to verify. They in fact, join the bandwagon of abuse – often running it further down the road in more insulting and aggressive ways.

Words Matter

The words we say to or about one another matters. The words said publicly have lasting consequences. You cannot take words back once stated. While you cannot see the wounds words make – do not minimize this wrongdoing by thinking it’s not that big of a deal. 

Many women have said to me, “I’d rather he hit me, because at least then people would believe me.”

When abusive men take their targeted actions public, the intention of this is to garner more influence, authority, and power to support the false claims the abuser makes about his wife (the target). He needs her experience suppressed and gagged to be able to manage the lies.

→ He has no intention of telling the truth to these flying monkeys.

The objective is to get ahead of her (his target) so that anything she might say that opposes his dishonest rendition will be overridden because he’s already won the ear of the audience.

How to Respond to Targeted Public Slander©

This may be the most difficult counsel I give to victims because they deserve to have their experience acknowledged, the truth told, and redress from the defamation. However, all too often, replying or correcting the wrongly reported historical events typically adds fuel to the fire. 

When an abuser has already created an alliance with the targeted public slander© companion and you now have an increase in storytellers saying similar things. Of course, the colluder did not verify the story so they must also continue the deception and abuse or they will look bad socially. 

The best course of action is to, 1) write down the event. 2) Work on a boundary relative to those colluding – and maybe your abusive spouse. 3) Find a support system, coach or therapist who can walk alongside you as you process the experience. 

Do not engage!  Live in your values and your truth.

A Word About “It Takes Two to Tango” and Other BS

This line and the many like it are just another tactic abusers use to deflect truth. If you have ever danced a Tango, or watched beautiful performers do so, you will know there is always a leader and a follower – just like in any human interaction – social interaction does not happen in tandem. It happens in sequence.

A Tango, while often an improvisational style dance form, is a series of blocks, halts, weight shifting, etc., that moves between the two dancers in a graceful, yet at times with what may be seen as forceful moves upon the partner – yet there is agreement to this, or the partner could walk off.

With Targeted Partner Abuse© the abuser is on the attack. Period. He is not negotiating. He will not attend to the needs of his target. He will not back up, rewind, or pause to attend to himself to negotiate safety. He has an agenda – a desired outcome. Anything short of that is unacceptable. He will continue to abuse until his point is attained. 

Abuse is not mutual. It is unilateral. It is not something couples’ bond to and therefore there can be no trauma bond to it. The abuser is not in trauma – he is collected and calculated (though he may appear angry overtly or passively). His goal is to activate, elevate, power-over and win.

Getting Help for Abuse

If you are navigating the abusive effects of Targeted Public Abuse© or any of the other behaviors of men who use Targeted Partner Abuse©, the coaches at Center for Peace can help you.

We have a new group beginning Wednesday, June 5th at 11:00 AM ET, 10:00 AM CT, 9:00 AM MT, 8:00 AM PT. 

You can sign up for group on the website

You do not have to walk this journal alone, uninformed, and unsupported. We’re here to help.