A Conversation about Men and Accountability

What are we really talking about here?

Starting off today’s post, let’s look at the concept of Male Hedonism, which suggests men operate in a way to pursue pleasure and avoid pain as the primary focus of life, often manifesting in short-term gratification and the prioritization of personal desire. 

If you are a partner of someone who has coerced and abused you, this definition may resonate with you. However, if you attempt to discuss this with your abusive husband you will be met with pushback and defensiveness. This is largely due to the constructed reality of the male mind in our present world, which has an established willful blind spot to this way of thinking – it just is, right?  Men aren’t being obtuse or playing dumb, or are they?

It’s Just the Way Men Are…

Ever since that odious text, ‘Every Man’s Battle’ and into today’s headlines of ‘Inside the Manosphere’, or that CNN matter, women have been assaulted on so many fronts with ideologies of manhood. Some of us may even be wondering if they know what that means. 

What we all know – men and women alike – is that being a man does NOT afford you specific privileges above the human rights of others, particularly that of women and children. And yet, it seems that principle is fought on so many fronts.

The Battleground of the Sexes

…the persistent and often confusing state of competition between men and women; the navigating of home and professional duties; the negotiation of power – and who has a right to hold it; and the tension of sexual beliefs, demands, expectations, and heaven forbid – entitlement, consent and dignity. It seems to have infiltrated the minds of men in a way that may be nearly unresolveable at present. 

There may be a segment of the female population that may entertain a hatred of men, to assume that the way men are has devolved to a point that misandry is the prevailing mindset of women in general is equally as wrong as it is to suggest that misogyny exists in the minds of all men. That said – there is a condition that appears to be present in the minds of men – a permission-giving belief of presumed privilege.

Presumed Male Privilege

The most assuredly unearned economic, socio-cultural advantage that promotes a socio-hegemonic framework of male thought patterns, that are then exercised by those with this framework in relationships, and or other human interactions. These attitudes suggest that men have a hierarchical position over women, or that women, being religiously submissive to men, owe men an allegiance. This allegiance is often assumed at marriage, though at times even before or without a marriage. The conception of children to a couple, even outside of marriage often infers an obligation on the part of the women, and none on the part of the man.  

Privilege is NOT a fixed trait of maleness.

This should be stated again – for those in the back that might need this reminder indelibly printed upon their minds – that privilege should suggest a rightness of the moral and ethical self; a type of leadership that is not rooted in the idea of power, control or terroristic behaviors. Rather, it is formed in regard for those in one’s stewardship, performed by example not force.

The Benefits of Presumed Privilege

The current state of our social reality has led us to a point where we must consider that regardless of the various presentations of men – we are at a point where our combined social and personal lives are impacted by these beliefs of privilege. It hurts us as a people, regardless of whether individual men act on presumed privilege behavior(known as abuse and coercive control) or not. All men must take on the responsibility of the cultural shift. 

Which brings us to the point of the post – Accountability!

Social and Cultural Accountability

This is the idea that there are acceptable and accessible beliefs and resources available to individuals of a society to validate and honor the rights of the individuals within that society. 

Appropriate accountability should be consequential, but not necessarily punitive. This means that we should be able to socially and culturally achieve a desired outcome without always needing to secure punitive or legal measures. *The operative term here is, “should.”

Unfortunately, those of us who have lived with the incredible and inconceivable acts of an abusive husband know how unlikely it is that we will be able to achieve these ends – even with the aid of a legal system.
We know well that there is a prevailing belief among men that they are more, right, better than, deserving (or dare we use that loathsome word – entitled) to take from women what does not belong. These same individuals often hold to the position that these presumed rights remove any accountability if the actions are problematic. Thus, there is an unaccountable external locus of control.

The Unaccountable External Locus of Male Control

If one’s life outcomes or conditions are determined by external factors rather than one’s own actions this posits that any perceived success or failure by others is not their concern, or worse, they can blame outcomes on the other person (meaning the wife they abuse, the bank who charges them for a bad check, the boss who fires the employee, etc.).

The combination of presumed privilege and unaccoutableness is at the root of the problem with behaviors that hurt others. The actor refuses to see anything wrong with the matter. 

The pattern looks like the following,

With the feigning of not understanding the problem at the core of the matter. It is the male conundrum of “I don’t understand the problem.”

What’s the Big Deal, Anyway

Since women are making a big deal of the issue anyway, men can continue to stand on their position that the issues of abuse, coercive control or gender-based violence are women’s issues. So, what to be accountable for anyway?

This has given men a lot of traction to avoid any accountability for their egregious and heinous treatment of women for generations. It is at the root of their smugness when accused of rape, drugging, or strangling women. Let alone any of the other pernicious targeted tactics used in daily interactions with their wife.

This leads to a social normalization of abusive treatment of women.

Normalization of Abuse → As Seen in the Social Narratives of Male Privilege

Without a social framework for accountability; meaning people within that social system support the abuse without victim redress. There is nothing in place within the system for the victims of this evil. It is not considered a big enough problem to take on socially.

Whether on a personal level or even to the global perspective, these 4-Ds of Responsibility Deflection highlight how we have devolved to the point we are now – where the battle is not so much over the acts of abuse themselves, but over who is a more deserving victim.

The end goal is to put the problem on the one raising the issue by making the perpetrator appear to be innocent of the accusation of wrong-doing – thus eradicating any need to be accountable.

The Missing Impact Zone of Accountability

Without a pressure or impact zone for the perpetrators of abuse, there will be no accountability. Women can speak up and speak out;  we can stand on our proverbial social soapbox highlighting all the actions committed – to no avail. The combined male acceptance and deflection of the issues at hand have been diffused so well, that the only noise is the women – sounding critical and complaining.

An impact or pressure zone is a point without bystanders, meaning those individuals who witness, or are aware of the abuse and while not directly involved, who do not socially take on the issue of change and correction. The bystander condones the behavior creating a societal tacit approval of the egregious abuse and coercion of women. There is no social condemnation of the men, by the men, thus no reason to hold perpetrators accountable.

Lack of Accountability is the Mechanism of Power-Over

Many perpetrators are unwilling to see the perpetration of coercive control and “Targeted Partner Abuse©” as a mechanism of a power-over the victim. This is largely due to the self-imposed positioning of being the victim of a world where masculinity is unstable due to the victimizing beliefs of how these men were raised. 

The narratives of emotional stifling, the wounds inflicted by their mothers or fathers (take your pick on this one – they use both), the ever growing plethora of mental health conditions, including and not limited to all of the OCD or ADHD complaints and of course, the contemptible narrative of ‘addiction’ when referring to their various choices of infidelity. 

When one sees himself as a victim of his past, he will use that past as evidence for why his current actions are just and reasonable – no matter how vile and abusive towards his wife.

Coming Full Circle

In many ways, a conversation on accountability seems fruitless. We beg and plead but are only seen as critical or groveling – neither of which are desirable to either party in the conversation. It feels hopeless, and yet, we must not retreat. 

We must continue, not because we are battling against men, but because what we are striving for is a better world between men and women.

This quote is as prophetic a statement as we’ve heard. It is the living reality of women across the globe. No government, institution or system has yet to create an environment that is safe and equal across gender lines. 

Until the hedonism of men’s beliefs and attitudes towards women and about themselves in the world shifts – and it will only shift when it is uncomfortable for men – women will continue to swing the pendulum of change in a direction that may be adverse for everyone. 

We can’t blame those who do. The loss of lives of women and children demands redress and accountability.

The Mission of Center for Peace

At Center for Peace, we are striving to provide tools, resources, programs, courses and information to aid in this cause. We long for a world at peace within our homes and across boardroom tables and in dating environments across the world. We are in desperate need of men who will stand tall – defending the human rights of all people. 

This call to action is to all men who see themselves as the protector or provider to join appropriately with women. Providing a voice for the issues they raise – without over-speaking them with the issues you have faced in life. We are aware of all the struggles that human beings experience. 

This is not the platform for who was hurt worse. It is time, however, for all people, regardless of their life adversities, to be a strong proponent of change, of safety and of peace throughout the land.

Join us at www.cenfp.org