Your Brain and Your Beliefs and the Abuser who is Always Right

Stay with me for a bit on this one as we break down how the brain works, our thinking, and how to tie this into abuse and the men in your life who think they are always right. 

If you have been married to or in a relationship with a man who discounted you, dismissed your point of view and behaved as if he was smarter, or always right. This blog is one you might want to ride all the way to the end. 

Let’s get into it..

Male vs. Female Brains

Many of us were sold the lie that men and women have different brains. Almost to the degree that one is superior to the other. Brains are not dimorphically gendered – meaning that unlike some animal types that vary in their coloring by gender, brains do not have different gendered circuits making one a male brain plan or a female brain plan.

In some brain types, typically male, there can be a very small size difference, but this has no bearing on the plan, function and capabilities of the brain. 

To be clear – there are no fixed gendered operational traits in the brain. The human brain is influenced by the beliefs humans code into experiential meaning. For example, if you grew up to be socialized into a blue vs. pink way of seeing the world – this is social construction, not neuro-hardwiring.

Gendered Emotions and the Brain

In addition to gendered brain plans, emotions are not gendered either. There is no scientific evidence supporting the narrative that women are more emotional than men. Likewise, there is no scientific evidence that women live or function from the ‘emotional part of the brain.’ 

The patently false notion that there is an area of the brain for emotion and one for logic is also connected to these false ideas and interpretations of brain function and understanding. We do not have a dedicated area of the brain for emotions that women default to while men default to the logic region. 

*This is also true for the belief of a so-called ‘right brained or left brained’ wiring – but that is a topic for another post.

 This idea of women being more emotional has been brainwashed into our cultural belief systems. It is not true. It has been viciously weaponized by men and by systems for generations. 

Emotions are constructed by the person. They are not ‘triggered’ as we often refer to in trauma circles. Emotions are based on what is referred to as ‘interoception’ or the brain and bodily communications of signals or sensations (This is one of the reasons for the misconception that emotional pain is felt in the body. That is a misinterpretation for the sensation communicated by the body to the brain).

Emotions are not universally experienced across the globe. Emotions can vary by individual, by culture and by experience. The way one person experiences an emotion will not be inevitable. It varies across experience and across context and conditions in the present.

Thoughts and Emotions are Part of the Same Processes in the Brain

For way too long, and from too many therapeutic and other sources, the position has been that thoughts and emotions are different. 

They are NOT!!!

Both thoughts and emotions use the same interconnected, and continually active systems of the brain. There are no separate circuits for reason than for emotion.

Here’s the important part….

Thoughts are NOT facts!!!

Not every thought you have is a fact. The same applies to emotions – as discussed above knowing thoughts and emotions use the same circuits. 

A thought or a feeling does not automatically make it real or true. Thoughts and feelings are chemical events in your brain. The meaning of these events is personally constructed or socially constructed. 

Thoughts and emotions are signals. They are energy and chemical. They are data – meant to be accurately assessed, not with the narratives that prop up the societal brain washing that is so prevalent on social media, but from wise, educative evaluations and discernment of yourself against your perceived reality.

Affective Reality and Social Reality

Human beings do not passively live in reality – we actively create it and we share it with those around us. What is taught to us as our brains are developing in childhood, and on into our adulthood – where we have the agency to choose for ourselves through experience and discern what is true and what is not – makes up our experience in the world.

Meaning is built individually. Meaning is a decision or an agreement constructed by the focus individual human beings have on the events that occur in their lives. Meaning is influenced by our caregivers in childhood – and our peers. However, we are never totally out of the control of this meaning. Once we reach the age of reason – we have the ability to think our own thoughts and choose for ourselves what to believe and think – and how to live based on those decisions.

Affective reality is subjective. It is based on experience where one’s individual thoughts and emotions color the event. Social reality, on the other hand, is the shared or collective understanding of experience and events, developed through interaction, language and cultural agreements.

Your Mind is NOT Your Brain

It is important to understand this critical difference between our mind and our brain. The brain is the roughly 3lb.organ sequestered in a dark casing called the skull. Its main job is to keep you alive and functioning properly. Thinking and feeling is NOT the main task of the brain. 

The mind is the self. The mind is in charge of the brain. You are the agent of your brain and body. While there are parts of the body that the brain runs on your behalf – you have the power to direct the activity of how your brain neurons fire and what you “wire” into your mind.

The Abuser’s Mind

Now that we’ve done a skip across neuro anatomy and psychology – let’s put the pieces together. 

If you are the creator and architect of your mind and your brain – and if your thoughts are not objective fact – then the construction of your mind and brain are at your control. You can feed whatever story or narrative you want into yourself to produce the behavioral outcomes. 

Our thoughts and emotions are patterns, constructed from both previous and current experiential data. Meaning is made of these events to prop up whatever narrative or story we are building for ourselves.

If you believe everything you think. If you believe you are right – because you’ve thought about it. Chances are pretty good you have created a mind that supports your own private subjective version of life – not of reality or of truth – but of ideologies that support your attitudes of yourself and the world around you. 

Reality and truth are NOT the reflection of a thought or feeling. Regardless of your beliefs and values. There is no automatic, absolute connection to the chemicals that make up thought and feeling. 

Reality is subjective to a social agreement or to the narratives constructed in one’s mind – those perceptions are not true – just because you think them.

Experiential Stories or Narratives

We live in a world where social influence is heavy and varied across individuals, genders, cultures, etc. Stories or narratives are the way we attempt to make sense of what we’ve lived with or experienced. These are all subjective. They make sense to us because we live it – not because it is accurate, objective or true. 

No matter how real something seems or feels. Your stories are self-generated. They do not mean your version of an experience is more accurate than another’s. It means it was created in your mind, provided to your brain so that it can help keep you functioning in the world around you.

Many of the stories we tell ourselves can be harmful to ourselves and to others. Because stories are self-protective – abusers love to promote themselves from the many patently false ideologies – sold as mental health theories – particularly those that suggest a superiority of design in men above women. 

With the global narrative promoted by an alliance with patriarchy and perceived male rights, your husband may have treated you in a way that is reflective of his perceived greatness. It can be difficult to combat this if stories about male brains flood the cultural echo chambers. 

The truth is – he has no more potential for accuracy in his thoughts and emotions than anyone else, male or female. 

Our ability to live more grounded in reality has more to do with the training we put ourselves through to not live in self-deception; to be mindful that even if someone is a believed ‘authority’ or if they have a large influential platform – it does not mean that what comes out of their mouth is true.

*Including CFP claims. Take this for what it is worth. I recommend doing your due diligence. The position held at Center for Peace is our research from the bodies of work produced by multiple neuroscientists. Integrated into our work is the deeply held position that all human beings are due the respect deserved. 

That said, if you have egregiously abused your wife, we will challenge any story you tell and any narrative you believe that justifies that behavior. There is no excuse that affords you permission to coerce, control or target another human being with inhumane behavior.

Center For Peace Programs

After you’ve read this and find yourself ready to explore your thought life, or you are ready to work on the beliefs that you’ve used to prop up your abuse, our next year-long program begins soon. 

Take the step today to make the changes to correct what you have been doing to the person you say you love. Abuse is a decision. You can correct it!