When Sex is a Duty for the Wife

A serious conversation on many women’s experience with sex

If sex is physically pleasurable and part of what keeps marriage together, what is happening that causes it to turn from intimacy to a duty. Why do so many women come into my office with decades of hurt and pain from their experiences with sex with their husband? Why do so many men seem to have the same narrative, the same demands, the same contempt – and yet will not put two and two together to figure that love and sex are not exchangeable commodities between a man and a woman. 

Let’s get into this week’s post…

  The format is going to be a bit different this week. Much of this tone may read as ubiquitous and absolute, please bear in mind that we are aware there are outliers and differences even though much of this is all too frequently experienced and expressed.

Physical pleasure is not the only reason women engage is sex. Though many times that is the idea being presented in discussions with men. Pleasure seeking is a form of recreation for men. It’s for the securing of personal enjoyment – and it can often be without the woman’s consent. 

Just walk down the aisle at the local grocery and watch the men rape women with their eyes. It’s disgusting men – we know when it is happening.

The potential to build and strengthen connection and love between a husband and wife can be achieved through a sexual connection, however, this is certainly not the only means, and it is most assuredly not the one many women want to pursue without the additional connections that are built through conversation, spending time together, working on projects and so many other activities that most men do not value as connection building. 

For way too long human beings have built a hierarchy of sex. It is promoted in the media, in conversations, in men’s locker rooms and golf courses, and in the expectations from men that women have been compelled to accept. Men drive the narrative about sex. Men believe it is their right to have it and women should not keep it from them. 

…oh if only women held that much power to protect sex there would be much less rape and assault.

Addressing some of the issues…

For many, sex has become a token to barter. Particularly when men attempt to negotiate sex with the dishwasher, lawn mowing or ‘babysitting’ chip they believe they earned from their token attempts at contributing around the home. 

Sex isn’t a bartering token. Sex isn’t up for negotiating. It is a conversation that requires ongoing consent. 

Sex isn’t valued or measured on the same scale as lawn mowing, dishwasher emptying, or ‘babysitting’ the kids, either, though many men will presume that this ‘effort’ earns them that benefit. Thus making sex a task or errand to perform, like making sure dinner is prepared. Check. Groceries shopped. Check. Sex at night – and again before he gets up for work. Check!

Sex isn’t a service a wife is required to provide to a man. When it is sought out in less than attractive ways – groping her when she is exhausted from her day – expecting that message to mean love, care and affection. The likelihood of that message being delivered decreases exponentially, with each unwanted assault on her body without consent, and angry response to her plea to not do so.

Expecting every hug (or groping grab on some point on her anatomy) to indicate it is time for sex or that sex is expected is a gross misunderstanding of marriage and a misuse of a wife’s body. 

Sex is not a duty that a wife signs up for when her signature is placed on the marriage license. It is not an obligation. Nor should it become a reason to punish her when not offered or acquiesced to. Nor the blame for his porn or other betrayals when she isn’t ‘putting out’ on his timeline.

Speaking to the men…

Men make sex so much less appealing with the whining that often occurs when your bid  for sex is rejected. There are countless reasons a woman does not want to have sex. Wives do not want to be intimate with someone who is presenting as a male adolescent instead of a loving, kind, understanding, grown up adult man.

I’ve had untold conversations with men who complain that their wife is the one who decides when to have sex. Each time this narrative comes up I’m caught with my ‘dear in the headlight’ expression…Evidently there are quite a few men who think women should have sex whether they want to or not. 

 Ummm…ask Google what sex without consent is called – this is what you’ll get.

   “Sex without consent is called sexual assault”  

There are laws that protect women from husband’s assaulting and raping them, regardless of what men think of this right they believe they possess.

What about initiating sex? So many women feel pressured to initiate. It is not lost on us why, Gentlemen. We know what this means in your pornified versions of sex. Initiation is not the pathway to connection or to intimacy. It is coercion when she feels forced to initiate because of guilt, pressure, or when you suggest initiation to be something it is not for her – because it means something to you.

Speaking of porn, way too many of you have appetites for porn sex, not love. This comment does not suggest that all moments of sex need to be deep connection and free of “excitement.” It does mean that there are many men who are gross in the bedroom thanks to porn. 

Moving back out of the bedroom, let’s talk about all of the other interactions that occur between the husband and wife that will result in a full stop for sex come nightfall — starting with your contempt and disrespect of her. Men who berate, verbally abuse, mock or treat their wives unkindly to any degree during the day, then expect sex at bedtime need a serious course in relationship rules of engagement. Women do not want to have sex with a mean and disrespectful man.

To suggest then that if wives would produce more sexual opportunities he would be less angry is to abuse your wife further by suggesting that sex is required for your decency.

If you don’t want to push your wife into hating sex, you need to learn what sex means to your wife. You need to quit making it about her responsibility for managing you while you gaslight her about what you are offering her in return – that’s still a transaction – not a connection.

Peacekeeping sex, is a job no woman wants. Obligatory sex is equally distasteful. 

Before we wrap up this section for men, let’s address a few of the distasteful myths men won’t let go of, starting with …men need sex. 

Sex is not a need. As much as you all hate this and want to die on this hill – you are welcome to do so. Every level headed human knows that lack of sex – even a full life without it will not kill you. 

Many men also disconnect from the truth that sex doesn’t fix loneliness, it doesn’t meet needs and it doesn’t fix your stress or bad day. These male myths are perpetuated by men as a currency for sex. 

Men spew this narrative amongst themselves, protecting it in the boys’ clubs as if this type of verbal currency will get them more connection, help resolve their life stresses or fix their mood. This is abuse, Gentlemen. This is usury. A woman’s body is not a regulation vending machine for what dysregulates you.  Do your own due diligence and internal self audits to improve your own psychological and emotional deficits so that you can contribute to your wife not consume her like a treatment facility.

Wrapping it up…

Pressure kills desire.

Entitlement kills desire.

Lies, connection, and betrayal kill desire. 

Adolescent actions are not bids for intimacy, they are a turn-off.

She may comply, but forcing her to do so is not an agreement, regardless of any physical response. Women know how to perform enough to get the job done. You are the reason sex has become a job to her when you refuse to learn to love fully, inside and outside of the bedroom so that sex is the natural result, not the demand or expectation. 

If intimacy has been elusive in your marriage and you would like to update the model you are using to achieve intimacy, schedule a session with Center for Peace.