Pain and Discomfort Avoidant Men

In this week’s post we will be presenting on the topic of the discomfort and pain-avoidant man and the impact of this behavior on the women these men marry. For years, in this field we have addressed issues of abuse, power and control, and even (the wrongly assessed term), ‘narcissism’ to more fully grapple with male behaviors.

Broad terminology provides an umbrella category from which we can evaluate the behaviors of men in this population. However, sometimes there is benefit in digging into conditions specifically. These topic explorations allow for more clarity and understanding for making sense of these egregious conditions in our own lives.

Let’s get into one of these specific categories – pain avoidance.

The Hedonistic Man

…holds a belief system that supports a practice of pleasure and happiness seeking – even suggesting these are morally sound acts if such personal satisfaction is achieved. Axiologically, the hedonistic man’s motives supersede or hold greater value when his pleasures are fulfilled and any cost to others can be dismissed and discounted. 

This mindset fits well in the framework of the abusive man who is unbothered by harm caused to his wife by his thoughts, words, or actions. It is within these types of belief systems where misogynistic ideas of objectification of women are played out, feeding even deeper ideologies where women are viewed as resources for men.

Satisfaction Failure

Hedonism often leads to a conundrum, or an internal conflict when the pursuit of pleasure intersects with hating what is being pursued. In the end, an inability to feel satisfied with one’s self, one’s life and with the offering of pleasure and goodness taken from others creates an internal conflict and leads to contempt and disgust for the one being used and mistreated.

Discomfort With the Self

When hedonistic and misogynistic men feel discomforted within themselves, they often seek to be comforted by others (usually a woman) instead of settling their internal issues themselves. That is the problem with pleasure seeking men – pleasure often occurs when an outside individual or event provides that pleasure. These men do not seek personal satisfaction through their own effort – they seek it at the expense of another’s well-being.

This form of consumption supports beliefs that men deserve comfort over women, or that women should ensure or provide that stablizing comfort for men – without the expectation of anything in return. When it is not provided, men are angered as a result.

The Wounded Man Story

All over the Internet, on podcasts, written in social media posts, self-help books, and even spoken of in religious settings (though expressed in different word approaches) are the stories of men’s wounds. These stories are coupled with the expectations (and often demands, especially religiously) to ensure the man’s comfort. 

For decades, women conceded – because it was too costly for them not to. It wasn’t as easy for women to own property, or have bank accounts in their own names. Choices for freedom from male oppression were not as available in generations past, as in our current day. 

Times have changed, no longer do women feel sorry for how hard men work to the degree that women succumb to the pressure to ensure a hot meal is on the table. Women no longer worry over his clean shirts and socks – he knows where the washer is located. 

These dynamic changes bring other stories out of the woodwork (especially from the ‘manospheric-types’); stories that blame parenting or other childhood experiences for the man’s hedonism. These stories create narratives that support male rights and validate his inability to show up as a husband and partner.

It is important for women to align with the narrative that, if he’s ‘provided’ the home, then what room does a woman have to complain if the man wants to play video games or go play golf with his buddies after work, he’s tired – he needs his ‘down time.’  

 **Funny how women don’t need the same resources after caring for the home and children all day. Capacity and social permissions are supported by the hegemonic powers of society.

“Entitlements” (AKA – Exploitations) are Socially Supported

The more sad the man’s story, the more he thinks he deserves to be rewarded for what he does, coddled when he doesn’t, and awarded with sex when he begrudgingly completes small one-off tasks (coded as ‘helping’ his wife). 

The more hedonistic, the more he believes he deserves. The more misogynistic, the more he demands. We mistakenly call this feature, “entitled’ – but it is actually an abusive exploitation of his wife and family – all wrapped up in a carefully crafted sob story about his wounds, and horrible childhood – and how much he can’t help himself – and just needs her to ‘get’ him, not try to control or change him – and of course to be soft and peaceful so he’s not stressed at home as well.

It’s not the Story, or the ‘Entitlement’ – It is his Avoidance of Discomfort

The men in this category are some of the greatest complainers. They are looking to have their discomfort alleviated by someone else’s efforts – or by use of their body or labors. 

Discomfort is a condition of mortality that every human will have to learn to navigate at some point in their lives – except that men have learned how to push this back on the women around them.

It is NOT his Attachment Style

It is also important to note that avoidance is about controlling others or situations. This has nothing to do with the infamous attachment style justification that has become a plague used to blame women (an abusive man’s mom, first), and to justify behavior that enables him to harm others without care. 

For more information on attachment styles, this post will sort out the myths on this topic. It is unfortunate how dangerous mental health has become for humanity. We have more problems as humans because of false psycho-trash promoted. We understand that it is unfortunate for well-meaning therapists who were provided the garbage they use and not given the truth about the mechanics of the human mind and how to sort that instruction out against how meaning is architected individually and socially. Nevertheless, it is every mental health provider’s responsibility to do their due diligence to do no harm.

Sufficeth to say, avoidance is a tactic, not a fixed or learned trait from childhood that is out of his control. Human beings do not hold to one ‘style’ of relating to others. 

Avoidance is a well thought out behavior plan. It is not that men “just don’t seem to understand” relationships and connections. They know exactly what is needed. Many will tell you how much they want the relationship, but those words are manipulations to keep women hooked and invested. When the rubber meets the road, they will expect you to do the work and the emotional lifting – then they will complain if you bring anything forward to discuss – calling it an attack or criticism.

Conflict Avoidance

The truth is that men know exactly how to avoid being relational. Many have this practice nicely wrapped up in a believable statement – ‘conflict avoidance.’ This term blames women for being disagreeable, unstatisfied or naggy. When in truth, the problem is that men get angry, refusing to talk and to problem solve as a loving partner should. 

This is relational avoidance, not conflict avoidance. It is a decision to not stand up as an adult in a loving exchange with his wife to see how to meet one another’s needs in kindness. It isn’t comfortable for either partner to have these conversations. They can be held, and the issues can be resolved. Women learn how to do it. It’s not a female-coded skillset. It is a human practice that men have learned to sluff off onto women to get out of the hard work of being a grown up.

Spending your Life in Pursuit of Personal Pleasure

For the most part, men have much more potential to pursue pleasure than women, especially once children enter the picture. Being socially permitted to take care of one’s self first, and to ensure that play time and fun are built into life – both in the work life and in personal life (we all know how much off-time is incorporated into conferences and work travel for men) – it must seem like an unreasonable ask for men to give this up at marriage. 

Afterall, isn’t it women’s work to manage the home and kids? If he provides for it – you do the rest, right?

All Men – Until it is NOT All Men

After reading this far, it is likely that some will say that they know some ‘good men’ who don’t act this way, who ‘help’ at home, ensuring their wife has ‘girltime.’  That’s great. The problem is, it is still very likely there are some of these issues we have presented today that had to be worked out so that the couple could achieve those agreement ends. 

It is also true that these patterns are so prevalent that it is almost as if it is in the air or water men drink and breathe – it is not, but for some reason, it seems men are unwilling to address this without conflict. Giving up privilege and learning to deal with life’s overwhelm is part of being a human in this world. There are still way too many men putting this responsibility on women.

Discomfort and Pain Resilience

Humans are more resilient than we often want to believe in our current culture. With all of the talk of trauma, wounds, triggers, peace protecting, etc., we are having difficulty relating to one another – particularly in marriage – and more importantly and more irresponsibly by the men. 

We have the ability to be loving and kind, but not when selfishness is the key driver of an individual’s value system. It also won’t happen if there is a belief that men have rights that over-ride women’s rights. When hierarchical attitudes that privilege men continue – there will be great difficulty getting these same men to do their own internal work of learning to navigate stress and discomfort without expecting someone else to ensure those experiences don’t happen. 

It is not anyone else’s job to tend to a man’s emotional discomfort, his work stresses, or to ensure his childhood is acknowledged so that he doesn’t have to come to the table as a whole and fully-formed adult.

Relationship Reset

Gentlemen, if you need help learning to address your life discomforts and stresses, Center for Peace offers a 30-day reset program to help you repair your thinking errors. Additionally, if you feel like your childhood trauma, your attachment beliefs, etc. are in the way and you are looking for a better model than the neuro-trash that has been promoted for decades in most therapy offices – come see us at Center for Peace where we will help you learn how to navigate what is in your adult lane and not use your wife or others abusively when life is difficult.