When Marriage is Like “Macy’s Revolving Door” (Coach Joi)

Staying safe when you aren’t ready to separate or when you are trying to leave

Being in a marriage with a husband who uses “Targeted Partner Abuse©” causes so much distress. What is also distressful is figuring out whether to stay or if there is a way to leave safely. In this edition, we’ll talk about some of the ways we can care for ourselves in these types of environments.

The Distress of Living with Abuse

Human beings are social creatures. We need one another to regulate our central nervous systems. Many of you might push back on the idea that we need other people – especially a man after so much hurt in your marriage – but it is a neurobiological truth. 

The problem with this though, is that when your person uses “Targeted Partner Abuse©,” he is dysregulating you, causing harm to your central nervous system instead of helping to calm and stabilize you. This kind of steady dysregulation can lead to sickness – on top of all the other issues in the home where a husband is abusing his wife.

Living in Constant Dysregulation

Often many women who experience “Targeted Partner Abuse©” find that the abuse escalates after the disclosures. Others have experienced the abuse on the honeymoon, when returning home, or when pregnant. No matter when you started experiencing the abuse, we want to remind you – you did nothing to cause this. He may be trying to mutualize his behavior, blaming you, but that is just more abuse.

Let’s look at a few examples of what you may have experienced.

Verbal Abuse

Do you experience a constant barrage of negativity with your husband? Is he countering you in many of your conversations with him? Does he attempt to one-up you when you share your pain, or is he blaming the problems on the trauma?

Perspective-taking is a critical skill for any communication. Abusive men are typically not interested in what their wives think or feel. They tend not to want to negotiate as that may result in a loss of power and control for them.

Abusive men are usually unwilling to hear the hurt or anger a wife expresses when discussing the abuse. This puts these men in a position where they ought to address their behavior and take responsibility for the impact of their actions – which they are mostly unwilling to do. These kinds of talks can be challenging for wives struggling to understand how a husband can be so cruel.

In times of verbal abuse, you may choose to opt out of conversations where you are not being heard, or where there are tactics to quiet you, blame you, or guilt you. You may choose to walk away quietly, or you may say something like, – as you walk away – “I know what is happening here, I don’t want to participate in this.”

Psychological and Emotional Abuse

Do you experience the kind of abuse where your husband will become self-deprecating? Some will even make horrific statements that he’s an awful person and should just end it all. This is egregious psychological abuse. It can cause you to feel guilty, lessen boundaries, or walk on eggshells around him to not tip the scales on these events.

Are you hammered with every move around the home, with the children or finances? Do you feel like you can’t ever do anything right? Are you afraid not to have everything in place, or dinner ready before he comes home?

Psychological and emotional abuse will also have a long-term impact on you if you do not find ways to self-regulate during abuse events. Reading that statement may cause you to feel blamed for the dysregulation. The message we hope you hear is that you do not have to stay involved in episodes of abuse. You can get yourself to safety – even if he doesn’t like your response to his abuse. You are not to blame for his behavior or for how abuse impacts your body, however, only you can decide to get to safety. An abuser in a “targeted event©” will not care if you are hurting.

It is Never Your Fault

A response to abuse is part of the interactive process of any human interaction. A response is not “reactive abuse.”  You are not being abusive when you go silent at his hounding or berating or whatever he is doing. You are responding to the event. Even if you yell to attempt to be heard, it is a response. It might not be helpful, but it isn’t abuse.

The term “reactive abuse” is a victim-blaming term we do not support at Center for Peace.

No matter how confusing, frustrating, and challenging it is – all human beings respond to abuse or violence. It is part of the social exchange of being human. Abusive men attempt to mutualize your response to minimize the damage they cause and the responsibility for change. Important note: You cannot fix or cure abuse in your spouse. It is his job to correct his thinking, behavior, and words that are abusive to you.

Abuse is correctable.

Getting to Safety

You’ve probably heard this phrase many times and wondered how to make it happen. Safety is different for each woman. It can be a brief separation, or as complex as divorce. A good abuse coach can help you put a plan together that fits your needs. 

Some points to consider if you need to leave quickly

• Have a safe family, friend, or safe place to go
• Establish a code word to use with those individuals, and even your children when necessary
• Have a safe meeting place where you can be picked up 
• If necessary, get a separate cell phone
• Have specific numbers memorized
• Place a go-bag at a friend’s place, including belongings for a longer stay and copies of all important documents
• Set aside money either in an account or on a card with just your name in a different bank
• Have an extra set of keys with a friend
• Consider informing your primary care doctor about your marriage in case you need additional medications
• If you are in the middle of court proceedings, inform your counsel
• Always keep gas in your car, your phone charged, and any needs critical to your situation prepared

Some points to consider if you are navigating in-home separation

All the items above are good things to do even if you do not have plans to leave. 

• Be clear on your own boundaries and action steps for those boundaries
• Be clear on when to engage and when to disengage
• Be careful what information is shared with your abusive husband
• Talk to the children about abuse, not about any plans to leave
• As much as possible, model appropriate behavior when children are present
• If necessary, record conversations (there are great devices that do this that are not your phone)
• Keep a journal of behaviors and events – not your emotions (process emotions with a coach or advocate)
• Avoid listening to what your abusive husband is saying in abusive conversations – these get into your head and can impact safety decisions you need to make
• Work with a trained abuse specialist for additional help and support

What About the Kids?

Children, of all ages, are keenly aware of what is going on in their homes no matter how careful you think you are with your conversations. They are smart and intuitive. 

In most cases, children do better with both parents present – when both are healthy. One healthy parent can offset the damage an abusive parent causes. It will take extra effort on the mom’s part. Be sure you get help/relief when possible.

“A boy who sees his mother being abused is 10 times more likely to abuse his female partner as an adult. A girl who grows up in a home where her father abuses her mother is more than six times as likely to be sexually abused as a girl who grows up in a non-abusive home” (womenshealth.gov).

Feeling Stuck

We often feel trapped or stuck when we do not have solid alternative options in the event of a moment where action is required. As mentioned above, uncertainty about the present and future can lead to significant distress. One way to resolve this distress is to put a plan together just in case. 

You may feel terrified of the future, of having to leave, or of the abuser leaving. Consider not waiting until things are chaotic to plan. Using some of the resources above, scheduling a session or two with a coach, or working on an exit plan will help settle you in moments of anxiety and high tension. 

Some points to consider while you are considering options

• Plan anyway – it is better to have one than need one and not have anything prepared
• Start saving money as you are able
• Consider taking courses, even free ones from online places that will help you redirect energy and focus on yourself instead of all the abuse
• Do what you can to navigate independence, separate bank accounts, credit cards, names on utility accounts, etc.
• Remember that effective self-care involves good sleep, nutrition, and spending time out in the sun. These are better self-care practices than scrolling social media or retail shopping. Do what you can to have options available to keep you hydrated and nutritionally balanced

The Revolving Door of Staying or Leaving

Decades ago, I started referring to the ups and downs, and the coming and going of my husband’s abuse as “living in the middle of Macy’s revolving door” (Coach Joi). It felt like I was always going round and round with him coming and going and never getting anywhere.

At Center for Peace we want to help you navigate the patterns of abuse (or what so-called recovery people call a cycle), by recognizing the patterns and having solid plans to get to safety when he begins “targeting tactics©.”  The first step is recognizing the patterns. This is why having a safe place to document events is so important. The most important point in this post is to remember your well-being matters. If you are struggling to navigate all this alone – please get help. If you have stabilized a bit, but have not yet formulated a plan, come see us at Center for Peace.

Center for Peace Tenet Reminders

There are countless theories loudly touted on social media platforms that are just bad and harmful advice. Here are a few CFP truths that we hope help you hold to your story.

1. You cannot cause, control or cure his abuse for him. Only he can decide to correct himself.
2. Your past is not the issue – no matter what is in that story. His past is not an excuse. It is not your “unresolved childhood stuff” or his that needs support from people helpers.
3. Spending hundreds of dollars on childhood issues won’t fix what you are dealing with now. 
4. SA groups and so-called “addiction” programs/therapy more times than not will not help this. Often it makes it worse.
5. Couples counseling won’t help – it will make it worse.
6. Trying to teach or convince the abuser of what he’s doing doesn’t work. He already knows it’s hurtful or wrong.
7. Leaving and no contact is difficult but will often result in peace – if you adhere to these change boundaries.
8. Never break your own boundaries.
9. Trauma is not a life sentence. It doesn’t damage your brain. It causes harm, but we are a resilient species with the potential for repair. While you are exposed to ongoing abuse, healing can be challenging.

For more support, we are available for individual and group sessions.

Take care of yourself, your story, and your agentic autonomy to address your needs and safety.