Infidelity Abuse and Men who Leave

Acknowledging All the Pain

As a social scientist and human behaviorist, I don’t often write blogs from a faith-based perspective, but it feels like the right time to address this topic in this light.

I am not going to mince words as I write this post. If a more spiritual topic is not right for you, please disregard this edition. Additional science or psychology focused posts will be added in the future. 

It is not even possible to speak to right and wrong without acknowledging the source from which these laws emanate – thus this topic requires the acknowledgment of the societal standard given to us as a people in the beginning by our Heavenly Father.

The Ordinance of Marriage

*TW – if you are an evolutionist, this point may not resonate with you. Those of us who believe there was a human creation that began with Adam and Eve, know that marriage is an ordinance that was established with our first parents. It is a covenant between them and God. This has been an established pattern since human beings were placed upon this earth and commanded to marry and establish families. 

It is a social norm for a man and woman to marry and build a family life together. It is also a social norm to expect complete honor and fidelity within this union. It is unfortunate that this very critical directive from God is one of the most violated, excused, and justified wrongs that humans commit against one another (and God) – and is the costliest for us as humans (“The Human Cost of Infidelity Abuse” will be addressed in a subsequent post).

Men Violating Marriage Contracts

If family law was contract law, we would have much different outcomes within the legal and human societal systems when there is abuse of a marriage. Unfortunately, we live in a society that condones this behavior in most of our governing systems. 

We have supporting social narratives that have trite idiomatic statements loosely articulated when this topic is approached. 

All of this occurs to get ahead of the truth about infidelity in marriage. All of this occurs to create a culture of acceptance of something that is grossly wrong and immoral. Full Stop!

Isaiah 60:2

“For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people…” (KJV)

There are several verses of scripture that speak to me about the times we currently live. This verse in Isaiah is one of them. For decades I have worked in the field of human behavior, particularly with the issues involving marriage and family. I have watched a steady decline in the character of men not honoring promises and violating the marital commitments they make.

Infidelity and adultery are dark acts. They are committed in secret – because they are wrong. Men who commit these heinous acts know this. 

When dark acts are committed, darkness will fill the heart and soul of that human being. This is not just a correlation of conditions. There is a true cause and effect relationship between the acts a person commits and the character of the individual.

Matthew 24:12

“And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold” (KJV).

With iniquity and darkness abounding, love waxes cold, and hearts harden. A husband whose love for his wife “waxes cold” is a man with a hard heart. He has thrown aside the regard and care he once held for the woman he married. He formulates a cover story for what has happened in their relationship that is full of blame and resentment and minus all accountability.

A hard-hearted man will violate a marriage commitment as if without thought for what it will do to his wife. These men do not hold in any esteem the promises they make at the marriage event. 

Men without a true loving, good heart – one that will bear the fruit of that love, evidenced in the way he attends to the responsibility and care for the wife he committed to – will choose to live in very cold, iniquity-laden ways.

Live in Light or Live in Darkness

There are only two options for this earth life. We either walk in truth or we walk in darkness. Our acts follow the thoughts of the mind and the feelings of the heart. Though there is great duplicity in the acts of infidelity, there is no possibility of being a good man while doing evil, cold, calculated acts of such great harm.

You cannot be both a deceiver and a truth speaker, just like you cannot be a good man doing unfaithful acts. It just does not work like this in our human economy even with all the moral relativism around us. Most of society still sees an act of infidelity as wrong.

Hebrews 3:13

“But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin” (KJV)

Of all the sins, adultery is the most deceitful. It is a sin of selfishness and disrespect, not only to God and his commandments to us – as God was quite clear on this issue – but to the marriage partner. 

There are no exceptions in the language. It is clearly a “do not” (Exodus 20:14, KJV) directive.

As a therapist working in a capacity that primarily deals with infidelity and adulterous acts of husbands committed against their wife, exhorting truth about this behavior has become a life mission of mine. 

To have an unfaithful, deceitful, cheating husband is one of the most soul crushing human experiences a woman endures. It is one of the most costly – in all realms of existence. It impacts a woman spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, and physically. There are often countless other impacts as well that we address in the various podcasts, and social media reels. There will be devastating outcomes from even one act of infidelity.

Infidelity is Abuse

Infidelity is viewed as an event of domestic abuse, like any other violent and harmful act against the will and well-being of another. When the violation of a serious contract, such as a marriage covenant, occurs repeatedly, there is no other language that should be applied than abuse. 

Infidelity, in any form (i.e. porn, strip clubs, web-sexing, prostitution, “friends w/benefits,” etc.) is abuse due to the critical harm caused to the wife. This kind of sustained injury creates long-lasting damage on the injured human. It can be just as harmful as physical assault.

Long-term Effects

We don’t need to source seek verification to know what the long-term effects of abuse in a marriage cause. Those of us who have lived through years of serial-cheating, pornography consumption, and all other illicit acts committed in secret and without our consent, outside of our marriage understand a type of human pain that cannot be matched or rivaled by any other. 

When these pain-producing acts are committed repeatedly, women live in a silent hell, oftentimes without the aid of a caring social system to support her. She is often blamed. Her story is minimized and dismissed. The incredulous “it takes two” social narrative is tossed about without any consideration, and without constraint. 

Worse, the men who commit these acts tell a story wherever they go that is filled with even more deception and history revision – yet for some reason these lying, cheating men are believed over the wife.

The Male Narrative

The stories men who are unfaithful fabricate are some of the most preposterous, except to themselves and men like them. These stories are deeply held historical revisions. They are without regard for the other party. They hold no space for the impact of harm caused. They are often related so loudly and emphatically that there is no space for the one impacted. 

A man with a story of infidelity will go to great lengths to ensure he is not viewed unfavorably – to the point that he will create egregious lies about his wife. What is so tragic in this is that while the wife may have responded or resisted the years and years of egregious acts committed against her in ways that might otherwise not occur in healthy condition – she will be accused, and he will not. 

It is a normal human response to abnormal human behavior when a wife goes no contact, asks a husband to leave, or files for divorce. It is not unreasonable for the woman – who is a human being — to put a stop to the abuse. The problem here, if there is one, is that the abuser will find this intolerable and will begin to fabricate lies that he was harmed rather than tell the story in the order the events took place.

Conversing with an Abusive Man

A common thematic statement we’ve all heard and is so critical to this conversation is, “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still” (author unknown). The reality is, if you have committed a social ill, you will do all you can to defend and protect that ill – no matter the cost or long-term impact.

This is the condition most betrayed wives find themselves. Despite hours – marathon hours – of pleading, begging, and praying for understanding from their husband regarding his acts of infidelity – he will not yield until he is ready to do so.  

         *Important note – I have the privilege of working with some great men, who’ve committed unthinkable acts, but who are doing the very difficult work of correcting the abuse. It can be done – it is a choice. A decision made one day at a time by the individual who committed the harm. No one can do this for him. Change will never be done in any therapeutic capacity without addressing the abuse.

There is no space in our societal fabric at this moment for the wives of men who commit life-long infidelity abuse. She cannot speak with him on the issues and often cannot speak to therapists, clergy or the legal system.

The Human Epidemic

This problem of men betraying, abandoning, and destroying their wife is at epidemic proportions. From my vantage point, it is clear there is a direct connection between a man who will lie to himself and others about his actions – especially behaviors that are known wrongs – and the betrayal and intimate treason plaguing marriages today. 

Regardless of who made the statement, “The only thing necessary for evil to triumph in the world is that good men do nothing,” it is a valid point for this conversation. What is happening in marriages and homes is evil. 

Sexual intimacy is not a recreational sport to be enacted at the whim of the individual and without regard for the social cost. While it is accurate to say that we cannot legislate human behavior, we absolutely can regulate the laws that impact human life. Human life and human development is most critical in the home!

A Place for Peace

Our marriages and homes should be a place of love, learning, understanding, forbearance and grace. Marriage should be our most prized life gift. The treatment of human beings, especially the one a man committed to love and care for should be his greatest stewardship and accomplishment at life’s end. 

Until we can accomplish this end, those of us at the grass roots level will continue to stand immovable in this cause of speaking up, speaking out, teaching correct principles, expecting no less than correct behavior and truly learning to love. 

Of all the gifts God bestowed upon each of his children, it is the capacity to learn to love and care for one another. This empathy and compassion are not something some of us have and others do not. It is something we choose to show to others.

To Those Within the Sound of My Voice

Each of you that read my posts, listen to my videos and stories, it is my greatest prayer that we can learn to love one another and work to a place of hope and healing within our families. There is no greater joy that can be felt in this life than to witness healing. There is nothing that pleases God more than to see His children work together to correct the wrongs committed against one another and to walk in love, harmony and peace. 

This is not out of the realm of reason. It just must be something every human chooses. 

Until you find a path to peace for you and your husband, the coaches at Center for Peace are available to support you in your journey. Unpacking the pain, acknowledging the injury and finding your way through is doable. You can find peace. Every woman can. It might have a different outcome than you hope, but there is a space for all of us who have been abused by the man we love to feel the healing impact of growing forward.

Come see us in our groups and individual sessions at www.cenfp.org