Betrayal, The Death of the Soul

I have not taken the opportunity to write a blog on the topic of betrayal. There are many reasons for not getting into this topic, not the least of which is the over-use of the word, which waters down, and blames victims.

So, today – here goes.

Describing a Husband’s Betrayal

There are a lot of ways a human being might be betrayed. The purpose of this description and definition (and the point of this post) deals only with the intimate betrayal of a marriage partner. Before you scroll off the page, please note that many of the things I will discuss apply to a non-married relationship. 

Trigger Warning: 

I am going to use descriptive language to discuss betrayal. Please attend to your self-care as you go through this post.

Betrayal → Intimate Treason

I am going to liken the sexual betrayal by a husband to the murdering of a soul. These acts, committed in secret, against the will and well-being of a partner to whom the man confessed love, care and protection is an undoable offense. 

The pain a wife feels is deeply experienced. It reaches well beyond other offenses that might occur in a marriage to one that singularly can only be experienced as murder of the soul.

There is no other pain, no other type of betrayal that can compare to the type experienced by a wife of her husband’s sexual secret acts (pornography included). This is not to dismiss pain in other relationships such as parent to child or that of a close friend. However, these types of relationships are not betrayed at the sexual level – it is in this act alone that one experiences an incomparable agony.

“I felt my soul die over and over, at every discovery, every disclosure, every discussion of who she was, where they were, how often it happened. Yet, without this knowledge, more than my soul dies – truth dies. There is no forward without the truth about what my marriage wasn’t” (CJ, 2000).

No “Etch-a-sketch” for Intimate Treason Betrayal

“There is no ‘magic eraser’ to these crimes against one’s wife” (CJ, 2010). You cannot unhurt her. You cannot apologize your way out of these actions. If she decides to stay married to this criminal husband – she must figure out how to shoulder the pain of his actions alone, because most men do not have the capacity to sit in the pain for the balance of their life. They somehow, erroneously believe “she should just get over it.” To sit in it for the rest of his life is like punishment to him. 

This is such a twisted lens considering the type of action he’s taken. The truth here is that if he were to look at the solution as correcting his abusive character and thinking to that of a loving and loyal human being/ husband – how could that even remotely be a punishment?

In most cases, men do not want the discomfort of making this type of change. It requires so much effort and attention. There is no immediate reward (i.e. being able to have sex with your wife, live in the marital home, etc.) when there needs to be a focus on life-long character correction – and yet, what else should happen? Should a wife have to shoulder the impact of his betraying infidelity while also never able to ask if he is being safe or faithful to her?

The infidelity, and yes, adultery of pornography – secret and unknown to one’s wife – outside of the marriage will never afford the criminal spouse an ‘etch-a-sketch’ that will make what you did go away. 

It will never be humanly digestible – ever!!! (More on this point later in the discussion.)

Pornography and sexual actions of adultery are abusive. Period. This is a hard stop on this behavior, my dear brothers of the human race. There is no excusing, justifying or explaining yourself out of this point. A wife expects 100% fidelity – as promised in your wedding commitments to her. 

For all of you Christian men out there – Jesus is not an “etch-a-sketch” either!!! Do not overuse the grace card, expecting your wife to forgive because you believe Jesus will hold you guiltless. 

It doesn’t work that way!

No One is Confused About Fidelity

No adult with the capacity to make their own agentic life decisions is confused about what is expected from a marriage partner. Unless you and your spouse specifically state that the intention of the arrangement is fully open without the need to tell one another about your outside sexual behaviors – pornography included – you likely have a wife who aligns with this point. 

Porn is abuse just as any other type of infidelity. Too often, due to the decline of our social moral compass there is this belief that we make “mistakes” when we violate a relationship with outside emotional or physical connection with someone other than the spouse. 

Only in Hollywood can people get away with this lame belief that a decision to be sexual with anyone else is a mistake – akin to turning left when you meant to turn right. No one accidentally has sex. 

Please!! Can we just stop using this one?!!

You Knew She Would be Hurt and Angry

In addition to not being able to excuse away the behavior, you also knew when you were found out – and it always happens – there is no hiding this – your wife would be hurt and angry. (We all know that men hate it when their wife is angry.) So, what possessed you in that moment of complete self-centeredness to make that choice and think that you would later have the right to get angry back – once discovered?

If you don’t like being in trouble – don’t do the action that causes your wife such great discomfort. To expect her to just be quiet and go along with it is like expecting the family of a murder victim to say something like, “Oh darn, that’s a bummer!” to the attorney defending the murderer who hopes to go free.

Men know there will be trouble resulting from selfish sexual betrayal. Calling it being “in trouble” is blaming your wife for your actions. You behave yourself into a troubled state. She does not put you in trouble.

The Marriage Escape Hatch

There will never be the kind of escape hatch men want for the egregious actions of intimate treason. You cannot remove the outcome of pain and consequence from your unilateral, treasonous decisions. Thus, like any decision, you must accept the consequences attached to your choices and actions. 

You cannot attempt to “fix” the problem by getting your wife into counseling so she can “heal.” Any action on her part is not the solution to your behavior. You must fix yourself.

Fixing is not a marriage escape hatch. You cannot fix her out of what you did, just as you cannot support group yourself into a man of character who does not abuse. The reason being, is that most men see “fixing” something as “making it go away.” This is not something you can make go away because you are uncomfortable with outcomes. You behaved yourself into this problem. You chose yourself into this state. If you are uncomfortable, you need to address the uncomfortable state of what is left of your conscience.

That is the only correction path.

The Marital Debt of Betrayal

When a husband makes the choice to betray his wife, he places himself in relational debt to her, just as would an individual who takes the life of another human being. The unfaithful spouse is responsible for every pain that betrayal inflicts upon the soul of his wife. 

I have likened this treasonous act to murder due to the depth and death of the soul of a betrayed wife when this is her life experience. If a debt is placed upon the person who takes a life – is there not also a debt placed upon someone who destroys the soul of his wife?

You cannot talk yourself out of this debt. You cannot make it better in your head through excuses and justifications. What you can do is take responsibility as an adult human being. Acknowledging the humanity of your wife and the affront to her dignity as your wife – and live your life forward bearing as much of the weight of your crime as you possibly can. 

Being an adult at fault means you provide her the grace and space to hurt because of your egregious acts against her. You provide an opening to anger – a natural and appropriate emotional response to your hurting her. You accept that destroyed trust may not be restored – but that does not make it impossible to be in relationship with her. She may never trust you again – why should she? But she may learn to work with you as you learn to present yourself to her and your marriage in an open, transparent, and honest manner.

No Justice. No Expectation.

In a world that is unfair, retributive justice will be difficult to achieve. If I may be so bold as to inquire – would anything a betraying man might do make up for the crime of intimate treason enough to make it go away?  

I know that answer. I’ve lived it!

In kind, there can be no expectations of victims of betraying abuse. Believing she should “get over it,” so he can “move on” or “get back to normal” are the outcropping egregious attitudes that come from abusively supportive SA groups. This is not the correct way to make amends to a betrayed wife. 

Whatever attempts to help a wife learn to redistribute the brutal pain of your betrayal is for her well-being. It is not to fix the problem so you can move on. You still need to do the corrective, restorative work to show that your depth of remorse* is in direct proportion to the amount of betrayal you committed. 

   *Just a note of caution – this will not likely happen by you attending SA groups or seeing a therapist who is not trained in Coercive Control or “Targeted Partner Abuse©.”

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