The Impacts of Porn (and all sexual dishonesty) on Relationships

Breaking down the myths and false narratives

Over the decades I’ve worked in this field, the terms we use have changed or adjusted as professionals have built programs to promote their beliefs about male sexual dishonesty. Whether we are talking about pornography “addiction,” deceptive or compulsive sexuality, the words and explanations we use matter. Now, more than ever, we need to speak from accurate science. We need to understand what good theory is and how to separate that from someone’s program content when it comes to addressing the abuse of sexual dishonesty by married men. This includes men in committed relationships.

In this post, we walk through some of the issues we face using the Center for Peace model to explain discrepancies and myths. It is the position of Center for Peace that all sexual dishonesty is abusive and not an addiction. You, the reader, may hold to other beliefs; our purpose for this post is not to convince you one way or the other on whether pornography should or should not be considered an addiction. Our mission is to seek truth and peace amid the myriad of excuses and false beliefs about human behavior.

Sexual Dishonesty

Sexual dishonesty has multiple presentations. This post will not address the various ways men act out sexually. Rather, we will address how socially constructed meanings and the myths promoted for decades in this field have led to countless misunderstandings, poorly developed programs, and wrongly taught coursework in academia. 

Since the industrial porn complex’s 1990-ish stronghold on the internet, pornography and other sexually dishonest actions have increased in intensity and severity, ruining marriages and families across the globe. This is not to say that there wasn’t a print or video avenue for access to porn. However, the last 35 years have made it ever-increasingly easier for all ages to access all types of degrading porn, a cause of great human suffering.

As a trained addiction counselor, I’ve read more literature on so-called pornography addiction and worked with more “addiction” groups than I care to admit. I have spent decades working with consumers of all kinds of substances and content. I have seen the wreckage. I have also heard the litany of stories and excuses men use to get out of the trouble they make for themselves. Many of which are often supported by well-meaning but undertrained people helpers.

Addiction

As a trained addiction counselor, I’ve read more literature on so-called pornography addiction and worked with more “addiction” groups than I care to admit. I have spent decades working with consumers of all kinds of substances and content. I have seen the wreckage. I have also heard the litany of stories and excuses men use to get out of the trouble they make for themselves. Many of which are often supported by well-meaning but undertrained people helpers.

These myths and false stories continue to imprint on our individual beliefs, contribute to the influencers on social media, and are the genesis of countless training programs promoting the author’s position on why men make the sexual choices to cheat that they do. All of which contribute to a social hive mind type of thinking that can be very difficult to parse when they are not evaluated against accurate science.

Sexual Meaning is Socially Constructed

As we’ve shared before, human beings are meaning makers. We begin asking ‘why’ questions at a very young age. Meaning is a social construct. It is not neurological or something our brains do without any input or agency on the part of the human being.

Likewise, the meaning of human sexual acts is also socially constructed. Socially constructed meaning has roots in religion, culture, media, and many other sources. The act of sex involves both physical and neurological processes, but the meaning of the act is not inherent in what occurs in the brain or body. To restate, there is no neurological (or chemical) meaning for this behavior.

An important point of clarification: It is people who promote false ideas. It is people who make up society. Society is a unit of measure. When using the term “socially constructed,” we must understand that the responsibility for passing along false ideas is on the people within the system, not the system itself.

Dopamine is a Reward Chemical Myth

Dopamine is used for many purposes. It is not just in the brain. It is found all over the body. It serves as a motivator to signal when an action (meaning a physical motor movement, as opposed to a neurological or cognitive action), such as seeking food (not just seeking a sexual experience), is to occur. Dopamine is crucial for effort, but it does not solely produce pleasure in the brain. 

Dopamine and other endocannabinoids regulate metabolism, which may explain why there is some social meaning assigned to mood. However, this is known as affect, which is understood as part of our conscious awareness, not our emotion. Opioid-like chemicals are energy management resources of the brain and body, rather than merely reward chemicals.

Since our brains are predictive, not reactive (see this post), the brain uses our previous life experiences (and the meaning we’ve individually made of those experiences) to predict present outcomes. Context or meaning is socially constructed. The means, what we think about sex is part of our human thought, not our brain chemistry. Seeking sexual experiences is not a search for a dopamine hit (the same applies to lust).

Sexual Dishonesty is NOT Due to Male Need (and other BS Men Say)

There are several stories deeply rooted in our social narrative about men and sex. You’ve likely heard things like, men need more sex, men’s brains are wired more for novelty, or that men are more visual. These and other male-centric sexual stories support the myth that men and women have different brains. 

Of all the nonsense and misogynistic narratives in support of the industrialized porn culture for the consumption and objectification of women, is the socially constructed BS that men have different brains than women. This is patently false. Any difference stems from how humans make meaning, not from neurobiology or biology.

The more false ideas are shared, the more they morph, taking on lives of their own. They are reiterated in social media posts, in training programs, and in college courses at multiple levels. Regardless of the proliferation of these myths, it does not mean that what is shared or taught stems from accurate science or authoritative sources. Consider that there were once beliefs about the earth being the center of the universe, or that humans only use 10% of their brains. Science is not absolute. Many studies are built around a hypothesis. If a study achieves a certain statistical position, that author’s bias can be measured by that statistic. No statistic is ever absolute or 100%.

Pornography isn’t About Attraction

Wives who have a husband abusing them through pornography and other sexually dishonest behaviors feel deep betrayal from their husband’s secrets. Often, we are led to believe that men are more attracted to the images in porn than they are to their wives. This is often the stated reason men objectify women, even when their wives are present. 

The abuse of sexual integrity and marital vows has nothing to do with attraction. Sexual dishonesty stems from the long-held excuse that men can do what they want sexually, regardless of marital commitments. The excuses they use for these actions blame women. When those no longer get them traction, they will use other lame excuses pulled from therapy and SA groups that are built upon the false narratives of male privilege. This includes excuses of shame or other self-deprecating references that are used to elicit an escape from responsibility for the harm their actions have caused.

Sexual Dishonesty and Relationships

As social beings, we need one another to regulate our central nervous system. We are the conservators of one another. This is a critical component of marriage. When marriages are founded on trust and safety, we are better able to support and strengthen one another’s central nervous system. When the marriage is destroyed by the sexual dishonesty of the husband, the outcomes for the wife are devastating, both physically and mentally, dysregulating her nervous system.

Our brains record our experience with external stimuli, such as sex, not as a neurological reaction, but as a set of socially understood meanings about the experience. These are not hardwired in the brain, but they are deeply rooted in our social narrative, our expectations of one another, and the critical value we place on fidelity in relationships. Sexual fidelity, then, is both deeply personal and social. There is strong research evidence suggesting that meaningful moments of human connection between partners enhance their capacity to cope with external adversity as a team.

When that confidence is broken by secret sexual dishonesty, which is then followed up by, or accompanied by various degrees of anger and abuse because of being caught in deception and infidelity, the outcomes are costly to many areas of our mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Creating Narratives to Explain Bad Behavior

When troubling events occur in our lives, we seek answers from the authority of religion, science, and psychology to help us make sense of why people do bad things. The truth is that these sources cannot explain the whys of human behavior. These sources are full of the guesses or biases of the people in these fields of study. Much of the research on human behavior is the collection of guesses from people’s self-assessments, which are not reliable. Much of society excuses bad behavior, justifies wrongs, blames victims, and erects institutions to protect the guilty. Do we really want to use the same old information that has supported this structure?  

Despite the broken industrialized social system, we still expect people to be pro-social and to care for and care after one another. However, we have arrived at a social intersection where many people are largely self-focused, or they are struggling with the adversity of an unfair, cruel world, and are doing what they can to protect themselves rather than caring for others. The extreme presentations of radical individualism erode family, community, and the social bonds that support our need for social connection and the regulation of one another’s nervous systems. 

When we don’t have answers or solutions for the problems people create within our social systems, we all suffer. We’ve seen the evidence of this within the population of sexually dishonest, porn-seeking husbands. We’ve seen it in the difficulty we face in eradicating misogyny from our collective value system.

Why Use Center for Peace’s Model?

Our goal at Center for Peace is to help couples overcome the faulty and harmful beliefs that are at the root of abusive sexual dishonesty and ‘Targeted Partner Abuse©.” We unpack the scripts and narratives shared among us that are harming us and preventing solutions from being established that will yield better relational outcomes. 

Join us in our community to learn the tools we teach to help you live more peaceful, life-giving lives with those you care about.