Should We Even Call it Healing?

More on how language contributes to victim pathologizing?

Decades ago, when all we had were wives’ groups from the various AA, NA, SA recovery programs, wives of men who use ‘Targeted Partner Abuse©’ attended those groups so that we had a place where we could talk to other women who understood what we were going through. 

Those were difficult days. The language and the tone in those so-called recovery texts were a hard pill to swallow. We were told we were powerless over our husbands’ behavior, which they called an ‘addiction.’ We were told we had to accept his relapses because he was powerless over the sexual deviancy he committed.

We were told we needed to heal, but from what? Were we sick now that we know we are married to abusers? These groups were difficult, life-altering, meaning-changing experiences. It was all so distressing. We gagged it all down, trying to stay positive and go through the motions of 12-step work for us victims.

What Do Victims Need to Heal from?

This is not a new topic on this blog, but it feels like an important topic to review through the lens of victim pathologizing. Over the years, there have been so many conditions assigned to victims from the so-called addiction recovery groups. The terms are not ours; they are put upon us. They are blaming, dismissive, and minimizing terms that are meant to quiet victims’ stories.

Many women have accepted the term ‘healing’ as a reference to the many emotional and psychological wounds from their targeting abuser. It has always been a problematic term at Center for Peace due to all of the excuses it provides abusers for not putting in the required effort to make amends for the abuse they inflict. The typical male position is “Why bother to do anything if I can’t get back to normal because she won’t heal?”

Whether the word fits for you or not, let’s talk about a few things that we do need as women who have experienced a marriage to an abusive husband.

Revise, Reframe, Reconstruct, and Recalibrate

To ameliorate the impact of abuse, many new processes need to be considered as a victim of “Targeted Partner Abuse©.”

Revise your version of what marriage means to you in light of the way you were treated. 

Whether you discovered the betrayal, had it disclosed, or experienced the abuse first, each woman typically comes into a marriage with specific ideas of what she should be able to experience. When those hopes and dreams are dashed, we have to revise. When the language of betrayal or abuse comes into our vocabulary, we revise. When the church doesn’t help, or the family doesn’t support, we revise. 

Revising our version of marriage is almost compelled upon us at first. What we thought we had or would receive is so far from our lived experience that we’ve been blindsided by it all. We adjust, change, and seek help out of necessity to fit what is happening.

Reframe how you want to show up as the wife of an abusive man.

Revising requires some reframing. We reframe the meaning of marriage. We reframe our level of tolerance so that we can figure out how to be safe. We reframe the meaning of boundaries so that we can strengthen our agentic voice and autonomy as human beings.

Reframing is changing the way we define and even defend our boundaries. This takes incredible work as a victim of “Targeted Partner Abuse©.” We’ve been verbally, psychologically, emotionally, sexually, financially, and spiritually harmed in egregious ways. We’ve gone small, walked on eggshells, learned to deal with a wolf in sheep’s clothing, all the while dealing with the pain and the isolation that results from the abuse.. Learning to use the language of abuse, understanding what it is, and how the patterns show up in our individual stories, is the process.

Reconstruct the values and life principles that you want and that you teach your children. 

Reconstruction is a process that involves both rediscovery and reconstruction. We lose ourselves in the years of abuse. As we rediscover ourselves, we reconstruct the experience. If we don’t, the devastation is more apt to stay. We need to be able to describe how the abuse felt. What it did to the story of the marriage and the life we thought we had. 

Reconstruction is a process that is not taught as well as it should be. The brain needs to be reconstructed to move forward. This process is how we get to safety. It is learning not to panic each time the phone rings. It is learning that we can stand tall in our boundaries, walking away if he becomes verbally abusive. It is learning to set boundaries at church, with family, or with his flying monkeys. It is learning to be quiet, not because we don’t have a voice, but because our words matter and are worth protecting. 

Every response we choose as we interact with the abuse is part of the reconstruction of our minds. This process helps us move forward.

Reconstruction is changing the way we think, so that the way we respond to the abuser, others, and even ourselves will lead to safety. Safety brings certainty to our minds – something that humans need for a grounded central nervous system. 

Recalibrate your mind to address the impact and to move forward in your strength.

Recalibration is the action that follows reconstruction. Once we have our thoughts and behavior responses updated to honor our dignity, we recalibrate ourselves to the condition. Whether the abuser stays or goes, we have to teach ourselves how to engage or disengage. 

This recalibration is a reinforcement of ourselves as strong, vibrant, and independent women. These upgrades, though often pathologized as bad or wrong (and even abusive at times) are necessary for every woman in a world where there is an epidemic of male abuse towards women.

We may be called out for being mean (because we have boundaries) or accused of being abusive (because we walk away when we are yelled at). These types of remarks are what this post is all about. These are the victim blaming, victim pathologizing statements that come from people who do not want to own their own behavior.

Pathologizing Victims

The tactic of pathologizing victims is a key practice in abuse and coercive control. This shifts the focus off the behavior of the perpetrator onto the character of the victim. Socially, we are conditioned to see victims as problematic when they raise an issue against someone. This trait can be traced back to rituals of Levitical days, where a goat was used symbolically to take on the sins of the community so that those who are guilty can deflect their responsibility and culpability onto the innocent scapegoat and thus be set free of the burden of repair and amends.

Pathologizing victims also has tenacles in mental health theories, in the egregious harm occurring in the legal arena against women and children. It is this language and these tactics that we speak about daily at Center for Peace.

The Mission of Center for Peace

One of the missions of Center for Peace is to shine the spotlight on victim pathologizing theories that harm women and children. This is a huge mountain to climb. Not everyone is open to or ready for the information or insight. Those of you who have ears to hear and eyes to see, we welcome you on this journey. 

The restoration of human dignity happens one truth and one person at a time. If you are looking for this type of clarity, please join our drop-in groups each Monday and Thursday. Or join our year-long abuse correction program for men.