Part II – Social Narratives

They Want you to Think it is Your Fault

The advocates of the intimate partner abuse movement have, from the inception, attempted to persuade the social mind to understand the violence that occurs in what is commonly referenced as ‘domestic violence’ is not the fault of the victim.

These advocates have used anti-patriarchy, equal protection and power/control language to approach a point of cooperation in discussion forums that influence social systems and social thought.

Within these approaches, we are missing a social movement that lends to encouraging men to join the cause. 

Over 50-years we’ve labored in the deep trenches without a lot of movement. In this edition of Conversations with the Coach, we’ll put a Center for Peace spin on what is not being said, and the issues this half-century long cause is still facing.

Addressing the Issue of Mens’ Violence Against Women

In the 1970’s the language for helping victims of abuse came out of the feminist movement. Since this is a high-octane topic, we’re not going to get deep into the history of the movement and the pros and cons of using this language, but we do want to highlight that we are still here — having the same discussion – without much growth. If you read last week’s post, you may be familiar now with the counter-language coming out of some of the voices speaking up for men who are opposed to the feminist platform. 

When approaching the issue head on doesn’t work, we swing the pendulum the opposite direction to focus on impact. If we can’t get attention by putting the abuse in their face – let’s plead to their compassion for what victims are going through. 

This was a swing and a miss!

Addiction…

When women were coming out of the woodwork after the launch of the world-wide-web and all of the free access to porn, the quickest answer was to copy and paste from the AA model. We have scientists looking at brain scans of men while they were thinking/watching porn to support this story that sexual behavior could be treated like other substance addictions. While the scans look convincing – there is a lot missing in this approach – that is a post for another day.

Strike 2!

Trauma – The Wrong Focus!

When the other attempts to get attention to serious concerns in homes across the country – and the globe did not work. The focus shifted to trying to help women make sense of their experience, find support and maybe create the kind of movement that would engage the right voices.

Therapists treating the victims, regardless of the modality, actually made matters worse. They are unprepared in their clinical courses to treat this issue. They grabbed at what they had (i.e. the DSM and theory texts) to cobble together a space to work with the influx of women in desperate need of help.

We’ve watched this unfold for the past three decades.

Let’s Make Her the Problem

Since it is the woman pointing the searchlight on the problem, and men need this covered up, the next counter approach is to blame women for the problem.

No matter what women said,

‘I’m not safe’

‘This is causing trauma’

‘I have a boundary of no porn in my home’

The men can find a counter,

‘What do you mean you aren’t safe, I never hit you!’

‘If you are having trouble coping, get therapy to fix your problem.’

‘You can’t be upset at me when I slip or relapse, I’m struggling with an addiction.’

This one hits it out of the park – not fixing the matter – making it worse.

Since this is a blog post, not a dissertation, we’ve just hit the big points in the time line. We are not suggesting more hasn’t been done, or all attempts were fully ineffective.

We are saying, the problem is still present and growing exponentially.

The Intersection of Male Domination and Exploitation

Maybe we could have titled this subsection ‘Abuse and Narcissism.’ These terms are not getting at the problem. Just as talking about and treating trauma does not get at the problem. 

The cause of maladaptive behavior will not be resolved by treating the victims of the behavior. Nor will it be found in treating the perpetrators as if they are wounded individuals without a clue about what they are doing. 

This feeds the thinking behind the Duluth Model and the Power and Control Wheels generated in the early-mid ‘80s – to address the failure of the justice system that was not protecting victims or holding offenders accountable.

Sound familiar?

We’re stuck in a loop unless we actually stop and take a beat and look at the problem wide and deep.

Socially and Structurally Rooted Hegemony – Same Blame Game

In last week’s edition, we made the following statement,

“Society is a category. It means nothing other than it is a classifier for a unit of measure. Society cannot be responsible. It is non-agentic. It cannot act upon us” (cenfp.org). 

When counter voices (women’s experiences) become louder in the social arena – we double down by blaming society, parents, childhood, etc. The list goes on.

Talking All Around the Problem

We say things like,

  “Men are socialized this way.”

  “Men are just wired differently.”

  “It’s every man’s battle to lust/objective.”

We could go on and on here, but it makes us throw up in our mouths a bit to regurgitate these narratives. They are disgusting. 

Talk about emasculating. The men are doing it to themselves with this kind of narrative. 

We’re still missing the problem – Men are abusing women!

This has been “the” problem for a long time. We will never solve this or even begin to discuss it intelligently until we stop the protective measures that are in place protecting perpetrators, reclassifying them as ‘good guys.’  

It will not stop until we quit the smoke and mirror game of blaming the perpetration of abuse on external factors – parents, wives, and society. 

No one and nothing makes men abuse.

Abuse is a Thinking Problem

Abuse – is the outcome of one’s psychology. Meaning, the behavior is a result or evidence of how one thinks. It is one’s mental processes. The culmination of one’s attitudes and beliefs, based on how the individual perceives himself in the world, and the the world around him.

Over the years, we’ve looked at abuse under so many clouded microscopes, with Rogerian glasses – a frame that has no place in a therapeutic setting where the topic of abuse is addressed. 

Abuse has been hidden in addiction, in trauma, in attachment, in parent-wounds and everything else under the sun –  blaming the victim and covering for the pitiful perpetrator who can’t help himself.

Questions from Center for Peace

To all men (#allmen, #notallmen), regardless of your interests, tastes, worldview, etc. what is all of this prevarication and obfuscation of the problem at hand? What do you benefit from this? How does it help support your version of manhood? 

If you want to live your life in such socially based ways, and you can find a cohort of society to agree to the terms you present – why not just own it? Why blame women?

Why do you need to counter the lived experience of – dare we say possibly hundreds of thousands of women – to prop up what you know is a lie? (We checked – it’s closer to 840 mil globally)…

With as many voices speaking against this, why drill down tighter on this? Women are not going to let up. Doesn’t it seem more safe for you – to admit and move on?  

Does it do your side of humanity anything to continue to control, sexually and financially dominate women, exploiting them and their desires for home and family – for what?  So that you can be right?  So that you can have sex?

The Jig is Up

We know what is going on now – even if some of you haven’t figured it out because like sheep – you just copy and repeat. 

We don’t really care if your narrative and our’s doesn’t align. We’re strong enough now to live in our truth, and head for the coffee shop, thrift store, or out on a ride with our dog – without men.

It is not our fault!  We may not always respond as we would like to the inhumane way we’ve been treated. We acknowledge that. We have long grown weary of the provoking and blaming.

We know what this is not.

• It is not a marriage problem – in any stretch of the imagination or indoctrination of the social hive mind that protects you.
• It is not mutual. It is unilateral – which is why it is targeted abuse by husbands upon wives.
• It is not your mental health, your childhood, your parents or your trauma. 
• It is not out of your control. You don’t need to ‘try’ to stop. You can stop it – all of it. And for the love of all things right – stop convincing the children you are a good guy!
• It’s not a lack of knowing or understanding. The weaponized incompetence just makes us roll our eyes now.

The Fallout

The fall out of all of this – aside from the very serious fact that you treat women with egregious and inhuman abuse and get away with it – there are some women who would enjoy your company. 

The cost has become too much.

The Future

A safe world and future for all humanity will only happen when men become honest enough with themselves. Regardless of how long, how far, how wide and how deep the lies and self-deception run, it’s time to move on.

The lid is off your Pandora’s Box. You have it within your power, ability and intelligence to effect change in the legal system and in homes across the globe for reciprocity in our social and relational engagements. 

You don’t need all the names that are coined to call out the behaviors to stop. You don’t need more groups or programs. 

You need the collective – we won’t stand by while men hurt people and watch it happen as if we’re too clueless to see it for what it is. 

You know and we know you know!

If, for any reason, you are confused, or have questions – set up a session. We will have a respectful conversation with you to help you analyze your life, your beliefs and your hopes for your future. 

We recognize the human value of all people. We invite those of you who are ready to join in the cause – to support women, family and home for those who seek safety in those relationships. For those who don’t – we wish you peace. 

Peace should never be at the cost of others. Peace isn’t taken – it is given. Let’s give it to those who come behind us. Regardless of what was handed to us – we can and we must – do better!