Observing from a Safe Distance

A discussion to help navigate boundaries, rules, and expectations.

It can become exhausting to keep up the pace and the back and forth when dealing with an abuser. Whether you are still in the marriage, under the same roof, or not. Divorced or separated, we need to make sure we are not extending more effort to navigate the abuser, than on keeping ourselves grounded and safe.

One way to ensure that is with a clear understanding of the principles and process of boundaries. 

In this post we’ll do a quick review of a few terms that may help you sort it out. Boundary discussions seem to be the one topic I address most in sessions with clients. 

Let’s get at it!

Boundaries, Consequences, Demands, Expectations, Rules and Social Values

The most impactful way to sort all of this out is to get clear on language. There are a lot of words we could use to explain how we establish and enforce boundaries. The problem is, not being clear on our own language might mean we are making it more difficult on ourselves to be sure boundaries are being honored. 

Going through these terms may seem silly. Afterall, they are words we are all familiar with. When it comes to using these to establish our rules of engagement with others, either our abusive partner or with people who collude or who have become unsafe, these terms have created conflict for my clients. 

Thank you for your indulgence as we try to sort out the confusion.

Boundaries – are for you, the owner of the boundary. They are not for other people. Boundaries are used to ensure that we are clear on what types of social interactions are acceptable to us. They help us define our own safety, especially around people who have caused harm, or who have been disrespectful. 

Boundaries do not have to be shared with other people. We don’t need to go around saying, “I have a boundary that________.” We just act when we have interference with was is acceptable social interaction. No explanation necessary.

Boundaries also do not come with a set of consequences if they are ‘crossed’ or not honored by others. Boundaries are action plans for the boundary owner, not an, ‘If you do __x__, it will cost __y___.’

     Example: I don’t allow other people to speak disrespectfully to me. 

This is what you don’t allow. So that when it occurs, you kindly ask for them to slow down, or you walk away.

Consequences – (or punishments) are the results of a choice or action. They are connected to the choice. An example of this would be if you don’t come to a full stop at a light or sign that resulted in a ticket from the police. Consequences may be given to someone for whom you have stewardship, such as a child. Consequences are not for a person lateral to you, such as a spouse. 

Consequences were a part of boundary work in the early years, creating chaos in many marriages. 

     Example: When an abusive husband crosses a boundary of looking at porn, you cannot give him a consequence to sleep on the couch or leave the house. You may request this action. He may or may not comply.  You, on the other hand, may choose an alternate action for yourself. Such as leaving the home or sleeping in another room.

Your boundaries are not mean to be the statements for behavioral control of another adult (or really even our children).

Demands- are the insistence of an action sometimes by coercion or ultimatum. They are often made by one partner based on ill-assigned boundaries, unilateral exercise of assumed authority, or by misuse of assumed power. Demands by one human being of another need to be carefully and sparingly made. 

     Example: A parent calling loudly for a child not to step off the curb until the traffic is clear.

Expectations – are hopes that something will happen or that people will act according to your prescribed desires or standards. We can make requests of people, but we cannot expect them to comply.

Expectations can be difficult to modulate. We can become disappointed by our misplaced expectations when someone close to us does something that causes hurt or injury. A betraying husband causes a lot of understandable hurt and disappointment when fidelity is expected in the marriage. The expectation is understandable, but it does not control the behaviors of others.

The caution we share, is to be careful where you place expectations. Agency plays a role in the decisions all human beings make. If your personal values and principles would be violated by infidelity, you can make your own changes to address this, but you cannot demand adherence to your expectations from another person, even a spouse.

Rules – and laws govern societies and systems. We have social agreements to the rules. A teacher establishes classroom rules for classroom management. The students need to agree to honor the rules to keep the group safe. When rules are broken, the authorities of that school may address this with established consequences. 

Social Values – like principles or standards are your guideposts for life. They often stem from our core values of right and wrong. These are self-governed practices. People with high social values have high character attributes. They are good, kind and fair. They do not take advantage of others. Those with low social values may be the one who is abusing you, or the one colluding with the abuser. 

The way we live our lives is a reflection of our beliefs. While we wish all human beings adhered to a common set of values, we know that we do not live in that kind of world. There are people all around us who make choices to hurt or seriously harm others without regard. 

Examples of social values may be showing up on time to appointments, respecting other’s time. Not taking advantage of a friend’s generosity. We have social values in public when we are standing in lines, shopping in stores or in movie theaters. Not everyone has the same value system for their own conduct.

Non-negotiables

We feel it would also be productive to address having non-negotiables. At times, we need a boundary so firm that we do not yield, or give grace to another person due to the severity of the behavior and its impact. 

For some women who have experienced infidelity, they may have a non-negotiable to any form of cheating. That may mean that they refuse to stay married to someone who cheats. Another woman may feel that having a person in their home who uses pornography is untenable, drawing a firm line on staying in that relationship.

Non-negotiables still involve you acting on a boundary yourself. You might be able to request a husband leave the home after betrayal, but if he owns the property with you, that may be very difficult process requiring the help of the legal system.

Safety First

As you begin establishing boundaries, safety is the primary concern. Many abusive men counter a woman’s boundaries with accusations of her being controlling or abusive. Boundaries are viewed in a number of negative ways by the perpetrator. He may DARVO his wife as she is walking away from his unkindness, accusing her of stonewalling or being mean to him. 

As long as your boundaries are not direct punishments, but are your response to someone’s disrespect, the way the other feels about your action is for them to work out. It is not your job to prove to anyone that your boundaries are valid.

Peace Matters

As we work on recollecting the fractured pieces of ourselves impacted by an abusive husband, that reassembly should help us re-establish our internal peace. We need to remember that peace is something we create for ourselves. It is not something we obtain from someone else. We cannot compel another person’s actions. We might be able to encourage them, but if they are the kind human being that cares only about themselves, their objective is what they get out of the exchange, not your well-being. 

Observing from a safe distance, without micromanaging his correction work (or ‘recovery’) is one of the best boundaries we can hold.

Merry Christmas from Center for Peace

Lastly, we want to wish all of you this Christmas season, our warmest regard. May this time of reflection and goodwill bring peace, understanding, and hope to you that you may know your value and  experience dignity in your associations.

As we look toward the new year, we reaffirm our commitment to encouraging integrity, respect, and dignity, and to contributing—wherever we can—to a more peaceful and compassionate world.