“I Just Can’t Talk to You, Anymore!”
- #abuse, #cenfp, #coercivecontrol, #correctingabusivelies, #costofdeception, #liarliarpantsonfire, #lies #deception #classifyinglies, #lietoprotectabuse, #manipulation, #mensprogram, #moralandethicaltruths, #noexcusefordeception, #powerandcontrol, #prearicating, #targetedpartnerabuse©, #thebigfatenormouslie, #therapyabuse, #trauma, #victimblaming, #weaponizedability, #weaponizedaddiction, #weaponizedcoercion, #weaponizedfinancialmanagement, #weaponizedgenderroles, #weaponizedincompetence, #weaponizedpowerlessness, #weaponizedpscyhology, #weaponizedshame, #weaponizing, #weaponizingempathy, #weaponizinghealing, #weaponizingkindness, #weaponizingrecovery
- #abuse, #cenfp, #coercivecontrol, #correctingabusivelies, #costofdeception, #liarliarpantsonfire, #lies #deception #classifyinglies, #lietoprotectabuse, #manipulation, #mensprogram, #moralandethicaltruths, #noexcusefordeception, #powerandcontrol, #prearicating, #targetedpartnerabuse©, #thebigfatenormouslie, #therapyabuse, #trauma, #victimblaming, #weaponizedability, #weaponizedaddiction, #weaponizedcoercion, #weaponizedfinancialmanagement, #weaponizedgenderroles, #weaponizedincompetence, #weaponizedpowerlessness, #weaponizedpscyhology, #weaponizedshame, #weaponizing, #weaponizingempathy, #weaponizinghealing, #weaponizingkindness, #weaponizingrecovery
When there is no place for your voice
Many women experience a type of abuse that centers around the proverbial ‘communication problem’. In these marriages, there may or may not be the other elements of power and control where abuse involves financial control, parenting control, personal autonomy issues, or sexual betrayal. What is present is the inability to feel seen and heard.
When there is no place for your voice, or when you cannot even make a statement without being attacked, while simultaneously being accused of being the attacker – you may be in one of these types of abuse situations.
In this post, we may be specifically speaking to those with different abuse presentations, the information addressed here is applicable in any situation where you are unable to share ideas without great distress or being silenced.
Let’s get into it…
The Default Reason – ‘The Relationship’
One of the biggest issues within the field of mental health, particularly family systems type counseling, is the default to the ‘relationship.’ You’ve heard us speak on this point countless times, but for those in the back…
“A relationship is a unit. It is unable to act upon its own choices, therefore, it cannot hold the blame or the responsibility for change as a person can” (Coach Joi).
In any systems theory the idea is that we can look at relational concerns through the lens of the system impact. It is from a misunderstanding of family systems therapy that we often misassign problems people cause to ‘marriage problems.’ Communication is the big one. Abusers love to use this to blame their wife.
Communication
Is the active, shared process of exchanging information, ideas, feelings, or meaning between two or more entities with the goal of creating mutual understanding and peaceable association.
When an abuser is part of the dyadic communication system, there typically will not be ‘shared processes of exchange.’ Abusers power over the voice of their targeted partner. Powering over to quiet her, to enforce his belief in his superior rightness, or to avoid accountability and honesty (to name a few reasons).
When the communication process is strained, the abuser will often blame the wife, criticizing her communication style, skills or just degrading her character or personhood. These types of behaviors are abusive tactics. They are meant to shut down the exchange and to win control
If an abuser does not like what is being said to him, he will often accuse his wife of being critical – when she is simply attempting to be heard or to share her feelings.
Feelings Complicate Abuser’s Communication Styles
Your feelings complicate the abuser’s communication style. It’s not their feelings they have a problem with. In fact, their feelings are too big, take up too much space in the room or conversation for there to be any way to consider you (their wife).
*Yes, this sounds like a blanket statement or absolute, but we’ve seen this presentation enough to know it is fairly common. If you have experienced it – you know what we are talking about. If you haven’t, we’re so happy for you, because this communication problem is very challenging to deal with.
The best way to deal with unwanted emotion or communication is to go on the attack. Accusations about the method or details a wife expresses will become too big of a deal for him. He’ll often complain about his wife not being happy or being too much (or not enough) in whatever area impacts the requests of him. Listening is not an option. He needs to create chaos and complain to push himself from the conversation.
I’m Right, You’re Wrong!
Nothing is worse than a conversation with an abusive man who thinks what he thinks or how he thinks is so superior. He’s the smart one, the reasonable one, the logical one. You, well…
When you attempt to have a conversation with an abusive know-it-all, he has all of the facts correct (and you do not). He recalls the order of events accurately (and you do not). He will often accuse you of leaving out details (that’s because he’s doing this – projection!). He may raise his voice (usually because you’re pleading or crying means YOU are yelling at him). He may accuse you of attacking and criticizing him (when you are simply asking questions – he can’t be questioned if he’s right, right?!).
This list of possibilities goes on and on. He may even do all of them if the conversation goes on for a while. Many times, it will be the abuser who won’t let the conversation end.
Protecting Yourself from the Communication Problem
The problem, more often than not, is the abusive husband. If he wanted to learn to communicate with you, he’d slow down, talk from a place of love and concern, and work on pausing and reframing so that the two of you could reach an understanding or agreement.
The fact that he is not showing adult skills means you may need to be boundaried and protective of yourself to not get caught in the trap. Here are a few additional check points for when to close a conversation with an abuser.
- If he’s using transparent triangulation (see IG post for details)
- If he is getting ‘help’ from his friends or therapist on marital issues (no one has a voice in your marriage but you and your husband)
- If he’s raising his voice – this is disrespect and an attempt to power over you
- If he is walking away – let him
- If he won’t hear you or is twisting things you say in a fabricated manner
- If he follows you when you are trying to close out the conversation after several warnings you needed to pause
Any other behavior that feels unsafe to you can be added to your own personal list. Remember these are YOUR boundaries for safe communication.
Drop-in Support
Strategies or responses to the abuser often need an update or reformat. These resources are great reasons to join our drop-in support groups. For a small fee, you can attend both the Monday and Thursday group for a full month.
Come join us for support and strengthening. We all need a place where we do not have to work so hard to be believed.
Facebook
Twitter
LinkedIn
Print
Email
Coach Joi
As the Program Director at Center for Peace, Coach Joi brings her extensive credentials and experience in abuse counseling to empower individuals overcoming abuse. With a compassionate approach, she focuses on restoring dignity and self-worth, drawing from her deep understanding of relational dynamics. Her commitment to fostering peace and autonomy in relationships is at the heart of her impactful guidance.
