How Victims Respond to Abuse

The Correct Way to View our Human Interactions in Adverse Settings

Victims Respond to Abuse/Violence

No matter the issue, situation, or context, all human beings respond in one way or another to violence and abuse. That may be going small and quiet, or it may be fighting back physically depending on the context. 

Human beings do many things depending on their personal experience, their social, familial or political positions on issues when faced with a moment where they need to respond. When we believe we must act a certain way, those decisions to respond will guide what we do in the moment.

Physical Responses

When a woman is accosted in a private setting, she may do something completely different than when she is approached in a threatening way in a more public place. In a public place, the responses of others will also impact decisions a victim makes.

Emotional Responses

Emotional responses vary by context and situation. A one-time, first-time event may be very different emotionally than something that is experienced on a frequent basis by the very person who has professed to love and care for you. The emotional response to a husband-perpetrator, is very different from the emotional response a victim may have in a condition where there hasn’t been trust and love established with the perpetrator.

Psychological Responses

Similarly, our psychological responses will vary based on the context and social narratives that have been adopted by the individual. 

For years now, we’ve had some very wrong ideas about trauma; what it is, what it is doing in our brain and in our body. This is one of the areas where our psychological (and emotional) responses may be deeply influenced by misinformation perpetuated in difficult to correct pop-psychology. For example, trauma is not stored in the body. Contrary to what is stated in the title of a very popular book on trauma, it is not a body condition. Teaching wrong core concepts about this contributes very heavily to the problems human beings face in how to correctly respond to abuse and violence.

All Responses are Agentic

All responses, including the psychological and emotional responses are agentic. We choose how we respond to our life events. Even in the most difficult of situations, when we cower and go fearfully quiet – that is an agentic choice. Likely one made by way of experience and self-preservation. 

For example, did you ever become quiet around a bully or in some frightening situation so as not to allow the perpetrator to see that vulnerability? It has been said that children in detention centers or other horrible institutional environments teach each other not to cry or expose themselves. Why? Not because it’s a weakness, but because it is powerful to them to agentically choose to whom they will share their tears. 

The silence of a victim of “Targeted Partner Abuse©” is not a punishing act of stonewalling against her perpetrator’s abuse. It is not even because she doesn’t have something to say. In truth, she would rather share with her spouse how what he is doing causes her such great pain. More often, it is a response born out of experience with her perpetrator to safeguard herself from potential exposure to more abuse when she does share with him.

Human Interaction Model

To understand response and resistance theory, we need to investigate the theory of human interaction. As social creatures, we are response-based beings. We do not react in an out of control, losing it type of action. Rather we respond to one another based on a set of believed values and narratives. Our responses to and with one another reflect our character values, not our psychology.

When those values and ideals are shared, we can expect that our responses to one another will be safe and trustworthy. However, when there is a discrepancy between the parties, our responses in our social exchanges will be based on that concern.

For example, if a husband tells a wife that he loves her and she is the only one for him, those words sound wonderful and will be believed – until the day she discovers that he has secrets that he’s kept indicating otherwise. Her responses to him will likely run a course of hurt, anger, and denial; followed by protecting what she believes is in danger.

Abusive Interaction Model

Unfortunately, abusers follow a model as well. Only their model has morphed into a selfish ideology that life happens ‘to’ them, coupled with privileged beliefs about their rights, wants and demands. They execute this model with the construct of power and control. It is not their ideology to be right and fair to others, unless they can turn it into something advantageous for them. 

In addition, an abusive interaction model contains retaliation narratives for when a perpetrator thinks they have been slighted. This creates an incredibly difficult challenge for victims of “Targeted Partner Abuse©” because any protective response to a perpetrator will be mis-labeled, becoming grounds for further abuse.

Mislabeled Social Interactions

A couple weeks ago on the blog we looked at the abusive label of “Stockholm Syndrome.” This is just one of countless examples where harmful theories are used to assess people’s responses to violence and abuse that end up becoming harmful for the party involved. The interactions between the bank robbers and the victims have very different analyses when viewed through a resistance and response model, than the victim-blaming approaches so common in our social narratives.

As people helpers, we have a stewardship to not spread theories we have not diligently investigated for accuracy. This requires hours of work. We cannot just hang up a shingle, prep a website and call ourselves counselors or coaches – even if we’ve taken courses and have degrees – without doing more digging than what we learned in our academic coursework. The reality is most psychology textbooks; most expensive leadership courses and coaching schools teach many things that have been known to be inaccurate scientifically for decades.

The Correct Lens

How we view our reactions to disrespect and harm has a great deal to do with our philosophy on that behavior, our ability to advocate for ourselves, and our ability to see our way out of the situation regardless of any injustice. 

More often than not, abuse, coercive control or intimate partner abuse will not yield a retributive measure of justice. Nevertheless, it is our human right to respond. It is also our human responsibility to choose our responses with care. We are responsible for our own behaviors. 

There has been a narrative in some of the healing communities that victims of abuse are not responsible for their responses. Many victims are so egregiously provoked, threatened, and abused, that keeping our responses appropriate is a painful challenge. Nonetheless, we must be careful. We are dealing with a societal construct that blames victims and excuses perpetrators. This is meant to be a caution, not a blame. Read this with an ear of sound counsel not an ear that triggers easily. 

If you need help walking out appropriate resistance to your perpetrator. Or if you are struggling to ascertain where you can make safety choices that are in your best interest, our support group is available for spot coaching every Monday and Thursday (times and access are noted on the website).