The Devastation of Betrayal and the Abuse that Accompanies it

This is more than an inability to heal or move forward

Occasionally, it is important to stop and evaluate what is being said in other corners of the so-called ‘recovery’ world, where terms like addiction, struggling, tempted, lust, etc., permeate the culture of what is abusive betrayal of a primary intimate partner.  

As happens when window shopping in others’ methods and theories, we come across something so disturbing that we must stop and unpack it. Today is no exception. We will be unpacking a post that addresses a potential stall to the victim’s healing, written by a well-known ‘expert’ in the field.  

*Please note that in no way is this meant to disrespect the efforts of individuals attempting to help people with their behavioral choices, regardless of the difference in approach.

We’re putting the spotlight on some of the problems many victims face with other models of treatment.

Betrayal Explained

Before we delve into what is problematic in this post, let us review betrayal from the position held by Center for Peace.

The type of betrayal we are referring to is the effect of sexual behaviors outside of the safety and singularity of a marriage or relational agreement and the expectations of that agreement. Betrayal is a secret act where years or decades can pass without the victim ever knowing the extent. Many of the men who betray their wives do so while also being avoidant and cruel to her intimately. Other abusive behaviors accompany the sexual betrayal, especially after the perpetrator has been discovered.  

The experience of betrayal is more than a sense of offense for wrongdoing. It is the total devastation of one’s believed truth about the love and dedication of the person who was supposed to be solely committed to the marriage. Betrayal destroys one’s sense of self, the meaning of life, and marriage. It calls into question all shared experiences, shared discussions, and especially the shared secrets that are often part of an intimate relationship.  

Betrayal is more than jealousy. It is about not being able to protect what you believe to be yours when his unilateral acts are committed behind your back. Betrayal is more than broken trust. It is the destruction of safety that should be present in a committed and faithful marriage. 

There is so much more to say about betrayal than these few paragraphs. Suffice it to say, without lived experience, no male therapists, academicians, or perpetrators should be careful how they speak about this issue.

Unpacking the Post

From the post

This post attempts to address the lingering pain felt by victims of their husband’s sexual betrayal. It is stated that the author has decades of experience with men and their wives. His concern is that the men have changed, but the women seem to stay angry and stuck.

Going a step further, the author posits that the problem is with how betrayal lands in the body and the connection with trauma memory and fear wiring to the nervous system.

From CfP

This statement misses several critical elements of the victim experience. What is more problematic is the undercurrent of blame on the victim. Regardless of how or where the pain of betrayal is felt, if it is in the victim, it becomes HER problem to solve. The victim-blaming nature of this claim can be missed without deeper investigation. (We will address what is wrong with the statement in neuropsychology terms later.)

It is an understatement to note that fear will be present with the discovery of sexual betrayal. It is problematic and minimizes the totality of betrayal to what fear does to a betrayed wife when it is suggested that the perpetrator will also be operating from a place of fear.  

Into the weeds of fear…

We must clarify fact from fiction regarding fear. At Center for Peace, our mission is to ensure we teach clients and our readers accurate, current science and psychology. The following bullet points highlight truth from myth. 

• There are no dedicated fear circuits in the human brain 
• Fear is not stored or felt in the body. It is experienced in the brain, like all other physiological senses (sight, hearing, touch, etc.) 
• The sense of feeling of fear is interpreted and categorized in the human mind, then kept in the brain as a signal from which future predictions will be drawn. There are no specific, universal, innate circuits for fear in the nervous system. 
• The categorization of fear is taught to us. We learn to make sense of fear from diverse types of exposure and from those who guide us as we navigate life.
• It makes sense that victims of betrayal will feel fear when the person who committed to love and protect them repeatedly does something that challenges their safety. These individuals will categorize those sensations as fear (or many other terms we use to describe feelings of experience). 

Unfortunately, we must take the time here to address two egregious points made by the author. The first is regarding ‘fear in the perpetrator.’ This is a mutualizing statement. The fear of the one committing the abusive actions is nothing like the fear of his victim. Assuming there is commonality in this sense is evidence that this author should not be addressing this topic. Fear of exposure, discovery, or of losing an opportunity to seek out the sexual acts of his interest is exponentially different from the fear a victim of betrayal feels. It is an affront to intelligence and dignity to suggest these are similar or comparative in nature. 

The second is the mention of a perpetrator’s concerns of not being forgiven, of never being enough, or of having to “live under a life sentence for his past,” as fear is egregious. These are direct behavioral consequences. It seems reasonable to question if these men held any of these concerns before choosing to betray their wives. If they were not prepared for these outcomes, their choices should have been considered with more care. It is patently absurd to think their wives will not have big thoughts and feelings about being betrayed. 

From the Post

Continuing with the article, the author states that in conversations with victims in his practice, he sees several consistent themes of what betrayed wives look for from recovery work. 

1. Emotional connection 
2. Safety 
3. A husband who leads out in healing 
4. Ownership of mistakes

Ownership of “mistakes”?! (Let us all roll our eyes with this word usage.) It is not a mistake when one deliberately opens porn site after porn site to consume the digital images found there. Or repeatedly seeks sexual acts from other human beings outside of the knowledge and consent of his wife. These are deliberate choices, not mistakes!

From the CfP

For the sake of space/time, we will focus on this last point. The author wrote, “Let us be real: even in recovery, men mess up…” 

Seriously?!!!  What part of real recovery is there even a space for men to mess up? Wouldn’t this so-called ‘mess up’ be the exact reason that destroys talking points 1-3 and generates all the legitimate fears that a victim experiences post-betrayal? 

There should be absolutely zero reasons for a ‘mess-up’ once a man is (as this author wrote) ‘The husband has changed. He is doing the work. He is not the man he used to be.’   

Any so-called ‘mess-up’ of any kind is a clear indicator that the husband is the same! There is zero change when a man continues to betray.  All of those in the so-called ‘recovery’ community who use cute little phrases like ‘slip’ or ‘relapse’ lie about what is happening to the wife. These men continue to betray while expecting their wives to accept their fake recovery. This is NOT real change!

From the post

Reading on, we learn from the author that ‘healing does not come with time, it comes when you stop letting fear dictate your choices.’

From the CfP

The experience of fear is not the choice of the victim. It is the effect or the outcome of something that happened to her because of her husband’s choices. Do we hear the victim-blaming language of this author, who is an accepted expert in the field of change?

From the post

It is posited that victims need to ask a hard and honest question of what is really being accomplished by all of this.

From the CfP

Great question! How can a perpetrator REALLY change when he is given so much leeway to hide his behavior and the consequences of those choices under the blame of his wife’s lack of healing?  

He is using his wife as the problem. His recovery cohorts and therapists are colluding with this narrative that until she heals, gets past her fears and her trauma, and settles her hyperactivated nervous system – the whole marriage is stalled.  

We ask again, seriously?!!!  The marriage stalled at the inception of HIS infidelity. 

The wife’s responses to his betrayal have nothing to do with how, when, or what the perpetrator does to change effectively and permanently. The choice not to betray is a one-time choice. This is akin to deciding whether to shoot someone each day or steal from the local convenience store. This does not require an ongoing decision.  

From the post

A real-life case study in the article describes a woman who, four years out, could not move towards her husband despite his being ‘sober, present, and changed.’ 

From the CfP

Wow! It is like his recovery fixed or cured him. But something important stands out here if the wife is unable to feel safe. Men in these so-called ‘recovery’ programs learn how to talk safely. They learn to manipulate safety to get ‘back to normal.’ If the recovery is genuine, the recovering abuser would be willing to give whatever time his wife needed to update her brain so that the trauma experience logged there can be reframed. This takes time.

This process is not about her fear or her trauma. That is a victim-blaming narrative. These effects are real. It is up to the perpetrator to create safety and trust she can move towards, and to offer it lovingly while she makes those difficult steps.

Additionally, what needs to be investigated further in this case study is how this so-called recovered husband treats his wife. Is he impatient with her? Does he expect her to be over it now that he is cured? Is he living in amends in such a way that his character has changed, and therefore he is empathic to the time it will take for his wife to be ready to approach a relationship again?  

From the post

The concluding topic addresses the brokenness of the marriage.  

From the CfP

Let us be clear, the marriage is not stuck or broken. It was destroyed by the abuse and infidelity perpetrated by the husband. There is no marriage. What must take place is a completely new build.  

A new relationship must be formed, informed by the experience of abuse and betrayal. Marked by impeccable boundaries for the victim and tight safeguards for the perpetrator. Safety and trust are years in the making due to his choices. There can never be an expectation on the victim to give more or faster than his believable behavior indicates – even so – it will take time for him to show he will remain true, patient, and humble. 

The single question he asked was, “What are we really trying to accomplish?”

Assumes a bold and presumptive position that the victim has more to do with the outcome of the marriage than the perpetrator. What we should be hearing from men in so-called recovery programs is how grateful they are for the love, grace, and hope their wife continues to offer despite their heinous crimes against their wives.  

The lack of acknowledgement of this is evidence of how far afield helping professionals are in their assessments of the cost of abusive betrayal. It is intimate treason. It is a soul-destroying act, committed without human regard, while attempting to deceive and blame his wife for not accepting his sloppy excuses and repair work.

What we Really Could Accomplish

If more professionals paused to critically examine their assumptions, flawed assessments, and the misinformation they accept from men who perpetrate abuse against their partners, we might begin to address the widespread dehumanization occurring across the globe.  

We might be able to hear the voices of women, who for generations have been oppressed by the behaviors and attitudes of men. We might be able to rectify the divisive social narrative that casts men against women or vice versa, in exchange for a societal acceptance of the strengths and weaknesses of both genders.  

We are social beings. We need one another. No woman needs to stay in a marriage where the man believes he is better than her, has more rights than her, or that he has more privileges. All while living a morally bankrupt secret life, with the expectation that she remain silent and overlook these atrocities.

The Voice of Center for Peace

In a world where it is ever more difficult to find peace, we implore all within the sound of our voice, written or spoken, to carefully consider the cost of human harm from betrayal and abuse. It destroys the very foundation of the societal structure that sustains this world. It rips apart people, hardening the hearts of loved ones, leaving pain and a false narrative that protects perpetrators and villainizes real victims.  

If you are committed to understanding more about the social-relational interactions that need to be in place for a marriage marred by abuse to have any hope, please reach out to us at Center for Peace. Our next year-long program begins soon.