Abuse, A Victim’s Point of View

And, the mission of Center for Peace

Warning: Please read this post with caution

Let’s take a deeper look at the impact of abuse from a victim’s perspective. What you’ll read in this post will be written with strong language. These statements are not exaggerations or implied absolutes of a few men. These remarks represent patterns and tactics most wives have experienced.

This is an opportunity for those who have not lived this life to gain knowledge and understanding through the experience of the betrayed. Being a victim of “Targeted Partner Abuse©” is devastating enough, but to have people discount and dismiss your story and the pain of abuse is a whole other level of betrayal. Institutions, churches, mental health professionals, even family and friends, are often dismissive of the victim’s experience. 

It’s time to stop shutting down victims who are trying to be seen and heard.

Clarifying Abuse

There are countless ways women may experience the impacts of abuse from their intimate partner. We need to be very clear on several points.

1. Abuse is an affront to the dignity of the abused woman.
2. Abuse is a unilateral action. Anyone who suggests to the woman that she must have done something to provoke the abuser truly has no idea of the insidiously covert nature of men in this population. Abuse is never mutual.
3. Abuse is not a “marriage problem” as is often suggested. Marriage is the category for the relational condition. It is not the person with agency and will to choose behaviors. The marriage does not cause harm or create victims from its choices.

Let’s consider some of the harmful impacts of ‘Targeted Partner Abuse©’ inflicted without regard and often by calculated means.

The Inspiration Quote for this Post

I shared the following quote on my social media platforms some time back. Several people reached out to share more on this topic. This post is a response to them. It is also in honor of every woman who tried so hard to navigate life with an abusive husband or partner.

As we review the tactics highlighted in the graphic and the victim’s experience, please read carefully, as this may be triggering.

Consumption: The tactic of consumption is reflected in how men view or use women as if they are property. Many men who consume pornography become trapped in the insidious training of the industrialized porn complex – to devalue women, to see them as a means to their own end, not as a human being to be loved and cherished. 

For a victim, the sense of being consumed is soul-destroying. Whether this occurs by being visually raped in your partner’s mind, or by any other physical assault on the body, women know when it is happening and hate every minute of it.

Connive: To connive is to conspire to do something considered immoral, illegal, or harmful. The consumption of pornography by a married man, often in secret and against his wife’s wishes, and as an affront to her dignity, is a conniving behavior.

Typically, when these behaviors are discovered, men become even more conniving. The degree of secrecy of behaviors increases as does the accompanying belief that they have rights or privileges permitting them to behave in this manner, regardless of the impact.

I cannot even begin to enumerate the number of men who tell me that they have needs, and that if their wife isn’t going to meet these needs, they will go elsewhere for them. Where in all the earth are the men on this planet getting this information? What contract allows for a secret breach?

Abusive cheating is exactly what is happening when you engage in any secret sexual activity outside of your marriage agreements.

Pornography Defined:

While we are on the topic of pornography, here’s the definition we use at Center for Peace©. “Pornography does not have a scaled metric (i.e., soft porn vs hard porn). Pornography can include digital, pixelated, illustrated, cartoon drawings, or any non-visual (fantasizing) methods of obtaining sexual stimulation. All pornography is pornography. Exploitative sexual behavior includes all types of sexually acting out with self and/or others” (Cenfp, 2010).

Control: Power and control are at the heart of “Targeted Partner Abuse©” and coercive control. “Abuse is the unilateral exercise of power against the will and well-being of another human being” (Cenfp, 2010). The exercise of power can include control of any area of another human’s life, home, body, or possessions. It might include the control of financial resources or other life-sustaining resources. It might include the control of freedom of movement and freedom of association, meaning that a wife can’t go places or interact with others without permission. It might even mean controlling what she wears.

Power-over, almost always includes the manipulation of outsiders’ understanding of the abuser’s behavior to the degree that their understanding of the situation is tainted by his lies, such that they also blame the victim for wrongdoing.

Collude: Colluding is the manipulation of outsiders to align with the perpetrator. Abusive husbands collect colluders. They want a posse of supporters who will back them and their lies to help scaffold them when their deeds become public, when a victim reaches out for support. Collusion partners can be found in the legal system, mental health professions, the church pastoral leadership, and among congregants. Colluders can also be bystanders who see what is happening but remain silent. Silent support is another form of abuse. If you are aware of what is happening, but remain silent, your tacit approval is agreement with his perpetration of the victim. There is no ‘Switzerland’ when it comes to abuse. 

Discard: The tactic of discarding can be seen in a multiplicity of behaviors the perpetrator engages in to control the interactions between himself and his wife. Perpetrators do not always fully or permanently discard. Some do, but many will use the tactic over and over because of the powerful impact it has on their victim.  

It is horrible to feel abandoned, turned away, or unloved. We all crave connection and respect. When victims are no longer willing to cater to the perpetrator, he will work towards the discard act. This is a type of punishment or retaliation. It is a cruel way to treat the woman you say you love. 

Often, the discard will be accompanied by blaming statements that further wound the victim. Abusive men spew a litany of vitriol at their wives when they are angry at her boundaries or unwillingness to tolerate abuse. If she didn’t do such and such, he wouldn’t have to leave her. It’s always something she did – that’s the smoke and mirrors to what really happened – he was caught! 

Dismiss;  Like being discarded, only not always as permanent. Dismissing can also include minimizing the actions of the perpetrator or the feelings of the victim. Being dismissive is disregarding and making light of the seriousness of the abusive behavior. It is belittling and mocking the victim’s feelings about the harm she sustains from his cruelty. 

Destroy:  Every tactic of abuse destroys the victim in some manner. It can be soul-destroying when betraying behaviors continue without remorse or regard. It can be financially devastating when the perpetrator controls resources or misuses resources. It can be spiritually, or faith-destroying, when the perpetrator and his collaborators conspire to blame the victim, or create contention in the faith community through lies and character destruction. There are countless ways in which men, believing they hold the power, undermine, target, or villainize her as if she is at fault for the problems.

Entrap: The tactic of entrapment can begin early in the meeting and set-up phase of the relationship. Men target women with specific attributes. Men want women with strong attributes of relationality, empathy, and regard, and who they can manipulate or trick with the deceptive stories that will buy them a place in her heart. This is an insidious tactic that knows no class, race, or cultural distinction. This is global and epidemic in its presence. It is one of the traits of “Targeted Partner Abuse©” that carries the greatest amount of social mind-blindness and victim-blaming. 

Exploit:  Like entrapment, exploitation is another term for the actions used by perpetrators of abuse and coercive control to exploit the woman to achieve their ends. Whether it is sexual, financial, or any other means, the outcome is the same. She is severely wounded at his expense and without any regard.

Extort: Each of these terms (entrap and exploit) is a form of extortion. They are intentional in nature, perpetrator-focused, and often repeated against many women. 

Target:  At Center for Peace, we use the term, ‘target,’ to describe the perpetrating behaviors of abuse and coercive control. These actions, and so many others, are the secret works of men, hiding behind their social masks while they destroy their wives, homes, and families with their egregious behavior – and then blame their victims for the outcomes.

As stated previously, this is global in scope and endemic in presentation. This is not a new human condition, but it has been exacerbated in recent years for multiple reasons.

The Mission of Center for Peace

Many may wonder why, when our language is strong and we clearly call out harm caused by men, we are known as the Center for Peace. The reason is simple: we believe deeply in the power of change, healing, and resilience for all people. We believe that dignity is a human right and a shared responsibility—something to be upheld by both men and women.

We invite everyone to share our content, join us in our community, follow our blog, and interact with us on social media. The challenges we face are serious; the gravity of this human condition requires all of us to re-center our lives around peace and respect for all.

We encourage everyone to foster peaceful, respectful relationships with those around them. If your choices or values are causing harm—especially to your partner or spouse—we urge you to seek support. Change is possible, and healing begins with accountability.